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Our baby at 12 weeks

2008-05-22T16:51:00.003+10:00

Sorry Judy, for taking my time! lol.

Had the scan this morning, and all is perfect. A beautiful baby, heart rate of 160bpm, measuring right on dates, and with a very thin nuchal fold. Everything was perfect, legs and arms were waving about, and it was magical. We can finally begin to relax and enjoy this miracle, I am so excited now. Its real!

Finn was not overly excited, he said it was great, but was more excited about the celebratory lunch we went out for!

Here is our baby:

Hello :)

2008-05-16T13:24:00.004+10:00

Still here, and as far as I know, still pregnant. 11 weeks now, scan next week. Terrified and excited.

I think so far, all of this has felt for both J and myself, like it has all still been part of the IVF process. The fear, anxiety and sickness etc. For us, I think it will actually truly begin after the scan, should all go well. THEN we might relax slightly, and begin to enjoy it. I certainly intend to be more vigilant about letting fears surface than I have been this first 12 weeks (nervous wreck). It will be our last, and we worked hard for it, so I want to enjoy it.

I will update again post scan and, if all goes okay, will then switch back to using my Natsukashii blog again, and retire this one, though I have kept copies of all my posts. Its a hell I won't be forgetting anytime soon, thats for sure.

I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and watching the clock... almost there.

Houston:

2008-04-14T16:02:00.000+10:00

WE HAVE A HEARTBEAT!!!!!!!!

I burst into tears of relief on the spot. She was pointing out the sac and yolky thing (!) and I was just thinking yeah yeah can we just find a heartbeat first!? And then there it was. Lovely and strong and baby is measuring spot on for dates. My FS was so lovely and saying how difficult we had had it, and how I never complained or whinged (to her anyway :P ) and that she was truly thrilled for us. Its so surreal, but I kept getting teary all the way home - I really am having a baby!!!!

Baseless (?) Fear and Worry

2008-04-09T17:10:00.004+10:00

I have nothing that I ought to be worried about. No bleeding or unusual pain. I have mild morning sickness, I am dog tired, and am emotional. My HPT sticks have gotten progressively darker. I am 5 weeks and 5 days today.

And yet, I have this fear that continually threatens to take over my mind. I am utterly terrified. Its still 5 days until we have our scan, and it has been a long, long, 2 and a half weeks since I got that first positive HPT. If I try to tune into my instincts, they feel good, I feel okay... but its so difficult to do.

The way I describe it is, if you have been told "NO" repeatedly and definitely on a regular basis for four years, and then suddenly that voice says YES, it is extremely difficult to believe they mean it. Its really hard not to expect negative, to expect to be told oh no our mistake... To hear NO again. NO is what I am used to. To trust in the yes, is like jumping of a cliff. It requires faith I just don't have. I am petrified of getting to the scan and hearing bad news. I don't think it will happen - but it might.

And even beyond that, I know I will still be this way until 12 weeks. Maybe forever. It is just so scary. I don't post anywhere, because I feel I am tempting fate. With my first child, many other things were going on in my life, and I didn't really feel this way to the same extent - we had only tried 2 years then anyway. I wanted to do it again, to enjoy it without those other scary things going on, and I am finding it is not going to be that way still, because now, I have this fear instead. This terror. Do people really just do one HPT and then not have a scan until 12 weeks?! Seriously? I think I have done over 20 tests, 2 blood tests and am sweating on the scan. God this fear, I am not strong enough to put it aside and say Que Sera... I know I cant change it, if thats whats written in the stars, but I am struggling a lot with this "new" way of thinking. With the belief that this could be truly real. I want it so badly, I am so scared of it being ripped away.

Distraction...

2008-04-06T11:04:00.001+10:00

Time passes slooowwwllllyyyy.... so far so good. This is my hubby and our crazy cat, Keven. With help from Belinda (who gave me the caption as my brain is fried); I LOLcatz'd him!

Enter the Make Ur Lolcat Famous Contest

Beta #2

2008-03-31T15:50:00.002+11:00

From 70 at 13dpo, we needed at least 280 today at 17dpo and we have a beautiful 393. progesterone is also good and pessaries can be stopped anytime now. 6w scan is the next massive hurdle, and it is at 1:15pm on Monday 14th April. Pinch me, please don't let this be a dream.

Scared shitless

2008-03-27T20:28:00.002+11:00

I have been getting positive tests since Monday (10dpo). ME!!!! I know! Wtf?!?!? Have been crapping myself ever since, had a friend come bearing more tests and watch them come up + with me - a true friend happily inspects your wee sticks. My BT is not until Monday, so I went to my GP today and pleaded my case and she ordered bloods for me. They came back at 70, a good number for 13dpo. I truly feel I am dreaming, could this really happen for ME? I am utterly terrified. I cant stop thinking negative things and then beating myself up for it. people are saying go easy, its a big deal to process after 4 years of never getting close. Its true, but man... I didn't expect to be this scared. So, next bloods Monday, looking for a number of about 280. PLEASE.

Stressed much?

2008-03-23T10:54:00.003+11:00

9 dpo/EPU and I am clearly feeling the anxiety. The last 2 nights I have had the most horror filled dreams - the first night I was being smothered by evil demons and couldn't breathe or get free or wake up. Last night was a little better, but I was a spy of some sort (that part was sort of cool); except there was much shooting and my sister was used as a decoy and I knew it was fake so said for them to shoot her and then vomited everywhere from having to make such a call and what if it had not been fake etc... Charming eh? I then was showing a home video to a lecture theatre of important people and it began showing me as a fat ugly child - totally humiliating... Clearly I am anxious. Its really only the last day or so I have been consciously aware of that anxiety beginning to make itself at home. I do not feel the slightest iota positive or hopeful. I just want it over now which is a bit horrible to say I suppose.

Next cycles I want assisted hatching. Aside from that, I have no idea what to do to get a better result :( Only a few days to go...

A plethora of beautiful signs

2008-03-21T09:06:00.002+11:00

How cool is this... This easter weekend, my embryo is due to burrow into the lining and make itself comfortable for 9 months or so. Or not. Now, on its own, I thought there was some sort of cool symbolism in it being easter and this being the schedule - eggs, new life and all that. This morning, I read this:

"This year, easter coincides with the Spring/Autumn Equinox which is celebrated by pagans. In the Northern hemisphere this year, it is the Spring equinox, known as Ostara, which is about celebrating the Spring - the return of the Sun after winter, new life, new growth, fertility, young love. Easter eggs and bunnies are great for representing these things."

Okay so I am not northern hemisphere but still! LOL
And also this:

"There's also a full moon, which represents a pregnant belly."

Thanks to Katie for the info!! I like all that a lot, if its meant to be, then now would be a cool time. Minor problem this being in the southern hemisphere...

I feel sick (ch ment)

2008-03-19T10:20:00.003+11:00

Nauseous as hell, but I think its from the huge progesterone dose I am on, more than it is OHSS. Slight tenderness still, but not too bad now. I am tired, sick and depressed. Its a genuine realisation that this is going to be so much harder than I anticipated. I thought that IVF would address our male factor, and get me ovulating and so work eventually. Now I discover the shiteness of my eggs and its been a real hit. The fact that I am going to have to risk OHSS to get something of quality every ER is a bit scary as well. Its just... depressing. And I know I can hope I never need another, that this will work, and logically, there is a reasonable chance of it working but I feel so negative about it.

Maybe its that because it has been 4 years without a vague notion of working, its hard to believe one little embie will work. I am convinced we will need two to hope ONE sticks... but that looks like it will never happen. Like its either quality and one back because of OHSS risk; or lesser quality and 2 back. Its discouraging. I don't want to do this too many more times. Its painful and horrible.

Again, I feel grateful as hell for the miracle my son is. I never have to face the prospect of childlessness, so can never understand that feeling. I am grateful every moment of every day for that. By the years end, we can move on. We'll be done either way and I look forward to banishing infertility and AC from my life forever.

Thank you for all the supportive comments, it helps a lot.

Transfer

2008-03-16T13:46:00.002+11:00

Not great news. Of the 20, only TWO made it. Two!!! I burst into tears. Then they made me decide what I wanted to do. They said they wanted only to do zero or one, but not two unless I was adamant because if 2 took, my ohss could be so bad I would need to abort. It may not, of course, but I needed to know the risks blah blah fucking blah.

I ended up putting one grade 2 (1 best 5 worst quality) back and freezing a grade 3. I am devastated. I cried the whole transfer.

It seems I have to borderline overstim everytime just to have anything to put back, and if they ARE quality, then I will never be allowed put 2 in. Its not fucking fair.

This is all so, so hard. :( I am gutted. Yes I have one back but I have zero faith.

PLEASE NO PITY. I do NOT want to feel like a "poor kel" whatever case. Just not interested.

EPU

2008-03-14T18:58:00.002+11:00

20 eggs... thats great, but I am now at risk of hyperstim again and might not transfer at all this cycle. Will be assessed Sun and decide at the time based on how I feel and what we get in terms of viability of any embryos.

I am sore, and flat about that. I also have this pinched nerve type feeling in my right shoulder that is hurting. Not sure what that is but its giving me more grief than the tummy at the moment. See what Sunday brings now...

Trigger

2008-03-12T14:42:00.002+11:00

Thank you all so much for the comments and support, as you know, it goes a long way.

Trigger is at 10:50pm tonight, fast from midnight tomorrow night, and OPU is 10:20am Friday. Fingers and toes crossed :)

Goodo!!

2008-03-11T13:44:00.003+11:00

So I emailed the Dr about the blip and also about the fact she had planned to prescribe pessaries over crinone gel because of my shite LP. She returned the email promptly saying she would amend my history to reflect ETx2 and will write the prog script at OPU. Wonderful!!!

Also, antag needles HURT. They are thicker than the FSH ones, not fine and painless, oh no! These were needing quite the shove to pierce the skin. Caused tears in the eyes, was glad J was doing it and not me. I'd have hesitated and freaked and muffed it.

Wonder how many of the follicles will grow all the way and not be empty? My goal for this EPU is 6-10 eggs. Fingers crossed. And also, quality - better quality PLEEEEEASE. Trigger tomorrow, not sure what time or where yet, will find out tomorrow when nurses call.

Third Scan

2008-03-10T14:31:00.004+11:00

I almost fell to a puddle right there on the RE room floor. WE HAVE GROWTH!!!!!!! 13 on the right and 9 on the left all 11-16mm. Can you believe it?! I sure couldn't! So, I had blood taken to check if I had started to surge yet or not, and was called to say all is fine, so its atag tonight, puregon tomorrow and antag again tomorrow night then trigger Wednesday and EPU Friday.

Only blip was they had circled 1 to transfer when we want to transfer 2 as agreed on cancelled cycle so have emailed the Dr about that.. I also forgot to collect my trigger meds! I thought I had them, but I only had the needles. D'oh! Don't need it til Wednesday though, so will get J to grab it tomorrow. The antag only cost me $162 as well, so that was fine.

So.. awaiting further instructions on Wednesday...

Nerves

2008-03-10T06:27:00.002+11:00

Its 630am, I cant sleep. Scan is at 10am. I have tenderness on the left (usually the dudd side) and nothing on the right. Nada. I am 99% sure it won't be a good result today. I am not sure how I will cope with a second cancellation, should that be the case. Certainly, I will be considering changing Doctor's if that happens. If I have to call my husband again with bad news... hear that disappointment in his voice.. its awful. I was sorer 2 days ago than I am today, but bloods said I hadn't ovulated so I guess whatever happened in there didn't continue. I could be wrong, but my gut feeling is that today will bring bad news. I am so scared. :(

Bloods

2008-03-09T12:44:00.003+11:00

Blood test was good. Left at 630am and drove in while the sun rose and kept taking my eyes off the road to watch the hot air balloons all over Melbourne's sky! Was home by 830am, and had results by 10am. All is as should be, proceed to scan tomorrow... J and I were both visibly relieved. Tomorrow is the big day, though. I feel sick in the stomach whenever I think about it :(

Second scan

2008-03-07T12:50:00.002+11:00

Right side NO growth. Left side NO growth, but 4 more. 10 each side, nothing beyond 10.5mm or so.

Up dose. Back mon. I'm thinking this cycles a bust already. If we are struggling already at this stage, we're fucked. To get to EPU is so hard, then we get shit # of eggs and shit quality. Whats the fucking point? Its costing us a fortune, taking forever, and I dont know if its bad management, bad luck or wtf is going on.

Its not fair. We are good parents, its not fair that crack whores and smug fucks get utd and have everything go as they want. Its fucked up and I am so over it.

Also, I have to go all the way in to the city Sunday as well for a precautionary blood test to make sure i dont need to start the antag sooner. They say they cant pump the dose too much or Ill grow more but none will grow further or they will be shite or something.

First Scan

2008-03-05T16:00:00.002+11:00

Nothing earth shattering: right side has 10-12 follies approx 10mm each, left side has 6 approx 10mm.

Problem is, often they stop growing much beyond 10 and die off, so nothing too exciting there yet. Dr said normally she might worry about so many on the right and drop dose but because its me.. keep dose the same.

Because this is an antagonist cycle, when follies start to reach about 14mm, they start the antag medications (the exxy ones!) so she cant leave it the long weekend to rescan, so I am back there Friday for another scan to see how they are going. I will probably still stim past then, though. I will possibly start those injections (in place of synarel, can help quality), on Sunday or Monday, may need a blood test Sunday to check that (and I may need to drive miles to do that on a Sunday, work that out when we see whats going on Friday).

Problem is if I start them too late I could ovulate and be cancelled AGAIN so we do have to err on caution, hence early 2nd scan and bloods and stuffing around. So we wait and see what happens and how many grow between now and Friday. She seemed happy with the progress, but I think thought they might be bigger by now. Going on past scans, I tend to lose about 10 follies between now and next, so hopefully I will still have 7 or so for EPU. Its going to be a long 2 days... Second scan is booked for Friday 945am, nice that its slightly later, will mean less traffic going in, but still need Mum back since Finn has Fridays off. So lucky to have her!

Glad I don't have too long to wait, its a nervous time this part. Hard not to overthink. I feel sick with worry, to be honest.

Hallelujah!!!

2008-03-03T15:13:00.002+11:00

Took the last of the clomid today!!! Hurrah!!!! Oh how I despise that rotten drug. The moods, the emotions, the hot flushes. Hideous. Not feeling it at all in terms of soreness in the ovary region, last fsh shot tomorrow before scan Wednesday morning. Here is hoping things go a little more to plan this time. I hate the waiting and wondering.

A letter to my body

2008-02-29T15:32:00.007+11:00

After reading Melissa's post here about writing a letter to your body, I thought I would give it a go.

Dear Body,

Righteo. Let's have it out. A lot goes on between us that is usually left unsaid, but I think its time we took our heads from the sand and talked it out. For some reason, you are.. well.. slightly defective, let's be honest. But, to be fair, you do okay for the most part. I have no killer diseases, I get sick not too often and to me, thats the main thing. You have the main things covered - and for that I am so deeply grateful.

Its really just that one part of you that is an issue. My friends, the ovaries. Now possibly you skived off when they did the lecture on how you ought to function. Maybe you had your I-pod on, I don't know, but whatever it was, you were not listening, were you? Please listen now!

This poly-cystic thing is no good. For either of us. It may have had a function once - I think I would have done brilliantly in times of famine. Let me be clear when I say to you: There is no famine. Nor is there likely to be in my lifetime. Thank you, for thinking of it, but, we need to readdress that game-plan and quickly.

The self hatred this PCOS has created within me is scary in its depth. The infertility is a painful, horrible thing that causes me to abuse you verbally and physically. It destroys me, and if I am destroyed so too, will you be.

You know what, though? I know we can overcome it. I am certain of it. I just need you guys to co-operate and if you enable me to conceive just one more time, I swear I will leave you alone for good. I'll get back onto metformin and we'll both be much happier. If you just do the job well enough, and have a word to the uterus and hormone levels as well, just to be safe - if you pull that off just once -thats it! Forever! No more being jabbed and stimulated to grow too big and prodded and sworn at. Never again! Doesn't that sound good??? Please, do this one thing for me, the rest of the body is doing its part so well, please join in and pull your weight just one time. I will be eternally grateful to you. Promise.

Your owner. xx

You can do your own, and submit it on this page.

FYI

2008-02-29T14:58:00.003+11:00

41% Geek

I think thats better than I suspected it would be! Mind you, according to anther of their quizzes, I am 74% addicted to blogging. You win some, you lose some..

IVF Junkie part 3

2008-02-29T08:13:00.002+11:00

Shooting up has commenced again. It may be normal after a canceled cycle, but I am feeling pretty negative this time, compared to the start of the last 2 cycles. I just think well I wonder what will go wrong this time? We've had an overstim, we've had an understim, what next? So much can go wrong, I just feel depressed. Getting to the stage of getting some embies transferred back is really not at all straight forward or a given. It's a hard fought battle. Can't Gil get a lick??

So, we wait. And we wait and we wait and we wait. Scan next Wednesday is not overly helpful. Both previous times it has shown 10+ more follicles than have been there at subsequent scans. many tend to die off post 10mm (ish). So, the second scan is far more useful to us. Thats a good week or so away yet.

So begins the injections, drinking loads of water and walking every night. Add clomid into the mix and we have a REAL party. Woo fricken hoo!

Bitter old cynic aren't I?

Cycle 3 away!

2008-02-26T09:55:00.005+11:00

So just on the fees, I had told my folks about it, had a whinge, but said we'd work it out okay. I got a call the next morning from my beautiful 80 year old grandmother, she had been talking to my Dad and was calling to tell me a cheque was in the mail to help us out. I promptly burst into tears of gratitude. What a generous, kind thing to do.

Meanwhile, also yesterday morning, I began spotting. 9 day LP, go me!!! Pathetic. So, today we're full force, and I am waiting for the nurses to call me back and confirm all systems are go. I get nervous waiting for this call, because whilst it seems in theory, to be a routine thing, in practice they did forget to schedule my down reg! So, until it is confirmed things are underway, I get touchy and nervous. Ring, damn you, RING!

30 minutes later...

100mg clomid for 5 days starting Thursday.
200iu puregon for 5 days starting Friday.
First scan next Wednesday morning, 9am.

I feel sick with nerves after the cancelled cycle. Here we go again...

$$$$$$$ & Resources

2008-02-24T08:07:00.008+11:00

So I discovered last night that a stim/ICSI cycle is going up by almost $1000 at the end of March. We had initially factored into our budget a cycle every 2 months until the years end, at which time its time to reassess if we intend to go on. An extra thousand per cycle means we will go from cycling every 2 months, to every 3, and thereby reduce things from 5 this year to 3 or 4 if lucky.. (talking fresh cycles). So I am a bit bummed, but I remind myself that a few years ago, we couldn't have dreamed of doing IVF at all, and that compared to other countries, we have it bloody good here in Australia. And even further to that, our clinic only charges the part we are responsible for, and bills medicare their element directly, so we only need to find a portion if the true upfront fee at the beginning of a cycle. I know we are lucky, but its still a disappointment that plans change, and waiting time increases. It makes me feel a little like I really have to hope this cycle we are due to begin next week works, before the new fees kick in March 31. No pressure or anything.

I was making a list recently, of books and resources that I have found helpful in relation to IVF and Infertility. I thought I would copy it over here. Please feel free to add any you are aware of or have found helpful in your journey via the comments. These are largely Australian and some international resources.

* Infertility Books website (American)

* Why Me? The Real-Life Guide to Infertility by Loraine Brown. (1998, Simon & Schuster, Sydney).

* The Psychological Impact of Infertility: A comparison with Patients with Other Medical Conditions, by A.D. Domar, P.C. Zuttermeister and R. Friedman (1993). A medical study.

* So Close: Infertile and Addicted to Hope by Tertia Albertyn

* Getting Pregnant The Hard Way: A Husbands Tale by Mikael Svanstrom. A mans perspective of IVF

* Sex at 6pm: A Personal Journey Through IVF by Annarosa Berman (2006).New Holland Publishers.

* The Couple's Guide to In Vitro Fertilization: Everything you need to know to maximise your chances of success" by Liza Charlesworth. (There is nothing amazing in there, just a good intro if its all unfamiliar).

* Inconceivable by Ben Elton (humourous, not for all).

* Baby Steps: A Bloke's Eye View of IVF by Jason Davies

* The Baby Trail by Sinead Moriarty (Humour)

* A Perfect Match by Sinead Moriarty (Humour, sequel)

* A Few Good Eggs: Two Chicks Dish on Overcoming the Insanity of Infertility by Julie Vargo and Maureen Regan

* Battles with the Baby Gods: Infertility: Stories of Hope by Amanda Hampson

* The Infertility Handbook - A Guide to Making Babies by Jacqueline Tomlins

* The Lost and Found Connections Abound Blogroll

* Making Babies by Theresa Miller

* Conception Chronicles: The Uncensored Truth about Sex, Love and Marriage when you are trying to get pregnant By Patty Doyle Debano and Courtney Menzal

* The Stork Club: One Womans Journey to the Front Line of Fertility Treatment by Imogen Edwards-Jones

* IVF Shoot 'Em Up

* International Infertility Film Festival

* Expecting Miracles: On the Path of Hope from Infertility to Parenthood by Christo Zouves, MD

* IVF & Ever After: The Emotional Needs of Families by Nichola Bedos - Personally, I am skeptical of this one. Its a privately practicing counsellor drumming up business by mentioning the many difficulties IVF patients suffer not only during treatment but as parents etc.. This article makes me think that, it sounds so negative, and neglects to mention she is a counsellor. Maybe I am just cynical!

Are we there yet?

2008-02-22T11:50:00.002+11:00

6dpo today, and since my LP is only ever 11 days even with support, I should be back into it this time next week. Unless of course, a true miracle occurs and our natural attempt worked. If that happens, I want to write to the Pope and get it endorsed as a real miracle. I really don't want another period. I HATE having my period and since I normally have 3 month cycles, this regularity (albeit drug induced) is a bit too much!

So I am due for spotting wed 27/thurs 28th. The marking of time in AC freaks me out. At no other time in life do I feel like a week is in each day as I do with AC whether its waiting for a period or a scan, or a retrieval, or transfer or of course the 2ww. Its always soooo sloooooow.

Must get into my writing project so that I can slack off when things get busy with the next cycle without fall out. Sounds so wise and smart, yet I never quite seem to be that organised in truth.

Swinging

2008-02-19T10:01:00.003+11:00

No, not that kind!

I was thinking earlier, that whilst I am still very committed to this trying again business, and to at least 4 fresh embie transfers or the end of the year, I find myself contemplating more and more, the idea of it being unsuccessful. I did a lot of thinking about this when we stopped for 2 years and went over it all in my head every which way. But then, it was painful, and terrifying and awful. Now, it doesn't seem as bad. Some moments I still feel sick at the thought, and a deep sadness. Other times, I think whilst Finn adores babies, he would be okay if one never eventuated for us. I think that he is such a special little boy, he has magic about him, and is forever blowing me away with just how awesome he is - that dedicating everything we can to him would be brilliant. Taking him to see the world, giving him a first class education and every opportunity he ever dreams of, would be a wonderful feeling.

If we are successful and some of those things are potentially scaled back here and there, will I just feel I am failing him in a different area then? Is there any win-win situation for him? Its about living in the right now and not the what ifs and maybes. Its so hard to do, but right now, he is it and so we give him the world. If that continues, brilliant! If we have another and he gets that much longed for sibling, brilliant! Maybe its not so much a win win, but maybe.. we actually can't lose?

I am spinning myself out with that. Weird perspective, and one I will need to remind myself of in the face of more IVF hurdles this year. Hmm. Definitely something to ponder.

AC is like a tightrope walk

2008-02-17T08:04:00.007+11:00

I was due to ovulate between 9 and 10pm last night, but was woken by pain at about 3am, so wonder if I was a little late. Who knows? We gave it a shot the old fashioned way, but we have no faith in that at all. Why would it work now? So, my period should arrive in 11-12 days now with my crap luteal phase, thats about the 27th or 28th Feb.

Then we’ll start Clomid on day 3 (100mg for 5 days) and the injections again on day 4 (200iu for 5 days). Scan will be day 9. When we get some growth happening, we'll also start the antagonist injections. Sounds like a jabby kind of cycle. No synarel, the antagonist needles take its place. I really don't understand still, the differences in protocols in terms of why one would be used over another and what each is best suited to or aimed to do. There is none that will suit me ideally, just hope we strike it lucky. From what I understand, clomid is used in conjunction with the FSH in an attempt to grow more and better quality follies/eggs. And the antag is also supposed to be better in terms of quality over quantity. But I have NO idea, really. If anyone else has a better grip on this stuff, please fill me in.

Honestly discouraged is not even the beginning of how I feel. The odds are stacked so greatly against us, its hard not to wonder if this is truly just not meant to be. We said we would give this at least 12 months of honest to goodness hardcore trying though, and we are not yet near that.

It feels to me sometimes, as though I am walking on a tightrope. Battling on and trying to keep balanced and not lose perspective. Not to overthink, just to keep head down, and watch my feet take each step. No looking up into the future, its too hard that way. Looking up and ahead is distracting and full of hurdles that may or may not come to pass. Whenever I gain confidence or momentum, something happens to slow me down and remind me I am not infallible, and possibly, should never have stepped out on the highwire to begin with. Slow and steady will see us reach the other side, in theory. But at any moment, we could fall and end the attempt altogether.

P.S. Have added a sidebar list of our history of trying to conceive. It is actually a bit depressing to read laid out like that.

Geebus!!!!!

2008-02-16T15:07:00.004+11:00

I was reading Bec's blog as per usual, and explored some of her blog links and discovered something phenomenal.

2 things, that are sort of nearly the same thing, actually. Firstly the most amazing infertility blogroll known to man. I exaggerate only slightly. It is mammoth! The Stirrup Queen's Completely Anal List of Blogs That Proves That She Really Missed Her Calling as a Personal Organizer - is mind blowing.

Not only does it list infertility blogs, but it lists them in beautiful, orderly categories. It is a list queens paradise. And I do so love lists! You know, as much as people try and understand what you go through, the people who really get it are the other people who live it. So, for me, to find a list of secondary infertility blogs is somewhat akin to finding an oasis in a desert and taking a long drink. Just brilliant.

Part two of the discovery is the Lost and Found website. Its not so much about kittens and puppies as it is a tracking of all those blogs in one place. So you can see at a glance who has had a shitty result and click through to give some encouragement and support. Or who has had a great result and you're right there to offer congratulations. What a bloody brilliant idea. No one need ever be alone with their infertility hell again.

The Tea Party

2008-02-15T16:33:00.003+11:00

I regularly post a link to this or mention it, or post the lyrics.. It is just.. well, listen. If it doesn't move you, you're dead!

If fate holds a purpose
You feel fate will lend a hand
It saves face deserts you
It deals grace from underhand
And every time the past's awakened
Every time your soul starts breaking

You can't stand the distance
You can't stand to not be afraid
You won't show resistance
You can't seem to run away
Because every time the past's awakened
Every time your soul starts breaking

In the face of the fire
You see angels conspire
Will they hear you desires
Will they stop your soulbreaking
Could they stop your soulbreaking

You won't say you're hurting
You still dream in the undertow
Just a safe place a haven
Just a kind face just to overthrow
Every time the past's awakened
Every time your soul starts breaking

In the face of the fire
You see angels conspire
Will they hear your desires
Will the stop your soulbreaking
Could they stop your soulbreaking
Will they stop your soulbreaking
Could they stop your soulbreaking
Please love

Every time the past's awakened
Every time my soul starts breaking

Cancelled

2008-02-15T11:20:00.001+11:00

No more growth, cycle cancelled. Wait for another period and start again with an antagonist protocol.

I worked so frigging hard. Nothing. Its hard, it hurts and I am fucking angry. Not at anyone or anything, just at how hard it has to be and how much self loathing I have. Fucked off.

Nothing ever is easy

2008-02-12T13:18:00.000+11:00

Not a great scan. Left side have gone backwards in growth, and right I had 2 x 14mm, 1 x 13mm and some smallish nothingy ones. Upped dose from 150 to 200iu for 3 more days, rescan Friday. Need more to happen or EPU won't go ahead. Can;t think about it til Friday, too many what ifs. Feeling pretty flat and dejected. FS said I have "hardcore PCOS" in that my ovaries are totally unpredictable in whether they will over under or respond the same each time. Woot for me. I hate my ovaries. I feel so guilty, angry and depressed. Oh well. Worry about it Friday I suppose.

An interesting comparison

2008-02-10T16:35:00.000+11:00

I was thinking about IVF as compared to IUI and my response to the drugs.

I went back to my journals and looked it up. For my first IUI I did 8 days of 75iu, then another 7 days of 150iu and got 2 follies.

Second IUI I did 3 days of 200iu and another 9 of 150iu and got 4 follicles.

So both of those cycles I was on the same dose as I am now on for this IVF cycle (150iu ) of the puregon, and had poorer response after being on it far longer. This cycle after just 5 days of the 150, I have 12+ in development. That is a massive difference. And clearly why last cycle I had 40 on 250/200iu! Yet you can see why I wanted to start that high, given the responses I had on IUI to the exact same drug.

Given I weigh the same now as I did then, the only difference I can put it down to is that with the IVF I have walked 20 minutes every single day that I am stimming. I was even on metformin then to help it all along and am not now.

Surely this is a good thing, that I am helping my body along, not relying on the increased drugs? It is such an enormously different response, it truly intrigues me.

Blahhh

2008-02-10T08:30:00.000+11:00

I feel sick. My ovaries are starting to hurt, I have headaches from the synarel, and I just feel generally off. Especially because I insist on drinking heaps of water everyday which makes me feel all full and blah.

I also feel a bit emotionally worn - mostly in anticipation of the week ahead. I have to try not to think ahead that way and just focus on each day, but its hard. In and out of the city Friday (at peak traffic on the way in); and then again yesterday for a friends baby shower (that was not really a traditional shower, but high tea - brilliant!) and again Tuesday in peak traffic for scan #2 and possibly again by weeks end for either another scan or EPU and again 2 days after that for transfer... No wonder I feel overwhelmed. Its an hour trip in and an hour back each time. I was grateful to gt a ride with a friend yesterday which meant that I didn't have to think about the driving and I had company. The Park Hyatt is only a couple of blocks from the FS rooms so it was an almost identical trip!

2 of the girls, my dear friends... got me what I call a hope item. I refuse to buy any baby things, when its been this long trying, it just seems a little silly. But I did want to have one thing, to show that I do have faith that it will happen eventually, that I do think we'll get there eventually. An item of hope! So, these 2 beautiful friends got me that item. It is just gorgeous.. I had one with Finn and when he was finally here and wearing it.. it was really special. So hopefully it brings me strength and good fortune!

So today is Sunday, and I intend to have a day of rest. My husband has been really good this weekend helping out around home and ensuring I am resting as much as I can and so on. Its greatly appreciated, I need it right now. Tomorrow I will do my housework for the week and Mum will arrive in the afternoon to stay the night as she did last week, so that I can leave early for the scan and she will watch Finn. She may have to do that 3 times in a week if EPU is this week as well. I am very fortunate to have her able to do that for us - as is Finn!

So I feel a bit yucky at the moment. But I am reminding myself that the next week-10 days or so will be the worst and most intense of it, then I can fall in a heap a bit for another month or so. Maybe longer ;)

Slow and steady is good

2008-02-08T11:40:00.000+11:00

Scan went well... 6 follis growing either side. Continue same dose of puregon and rescan Tuesday, with EPU hopefully end next week. Also mentioned my 11 day luteal phase to her, so shes switching me to higher dose progesterone pessaries so thats good too.

So far, so good...

Hormonal Hell

2008-02-03T15:48:00.000+11:00

Ok... am guessing that between the primolut, having a period, starting synarel and injecting today - all in the space of a week or so - has sent my hormones mental. I am so snappy, irritable and horrible feeling today. Its shitty. I just feel that tense, PMTish type feeling.

Speaking of a period, mine seems to be just about gone already! What the?? It only started spotting Thursday and flow Friday. Thats 3 and a half days. Last one was almost 3 weeks! Argh!

Switching from general fertility to the IVF specific phase 1 meditation tonight: Shots to retrieval. Drank my 1.5l water, and went for my walk. Planned next fortnights meals all healthy. Taking my folic acid and multi-vit.. christ knows what else I SHOULD be doing. Bah!

Cranky, cranky, cranky.

Random thoughts

2008-02-02T14:42:00.001+11:00

It occurs to me that maybe it was the water I drank so much of last cycle that helped me respond so much better to the meds than before. or perhaps that I was walking daily before and during stims. Whatever the case, it makes me think I possibly ought to repeat as much of those things this time as I can recall to make sure I don't UNDER-respond on the lower dose... right? Who knows.

Started first sniff today, that familiar acrid taste of synarel. Oh how I missed thee.. pfft. I am clearly out of practice though, because I was stressing that my nostrils are not really big enough to accommodate the thing, and wondering why it didn't feel like anything... then saw the cap was still on. Rookie mistake!!!!! And I am hardly a rookie these days! d'oh!

Day 1 ahoy!

2008-02-01T11:44:00.001+11:00

We're off! Today is day 1 of my cycle and I have called the clinic and ensured all is set to go, and it is. I start sniffing synarel tomorrow, one in the morning, one at night. Then I begin 150iu injections on Sunday and have a scan Friday morning. Booked the scan in, and now we are away.

My only niggling concern is I thought I started injections tomorrow, but definitely Sunday, so thats only 5 days worth by scan and the script was for 6 days. She was pretty clear though, so I do as I am told!

So finally, we're off. Here we go...

Yawn.

2008-01-26T09:33:00.000+11:00

Still waiting... I did however, start primolut. So had I been about to get AF naturally, this will delay it.. but if I had NOT been about to, this will speed it up - a risk I was willing to take, basically. So today is day 4 of it, tomorrow I take the last 2, and then it will take anywhere from 3-11 days for a period to show. From memory, last time I was on this stuff, it took 4 or 5 days.

My puregon is in the fridge, ready to go, and my synarel is here waiting also. Just hinging on the period now so I can call the nurses and be away with it. Bit over the waiting, its all about waiting in assisted conception, it sucks.

Waiting... Again!

2008-01-22T09:33:00.000+11:00

Paid our pile of cash to MIVF this morning. Always a strange feeling, but can now get hubby to collect the medicines this week in preparation for day 2 when it arrives. Dr Foster has me starting at 150iu this cycle. Last cycle we did 250iu and it happened hard and fast and I had a LOT of follies (most of which were empty.. but anyhoo); after the transfer, she said that she would start me slightly lower this cycle, I think she said 200iu then, but I am okay with 150 as well. It may mean longer than a week stimming, but slower will hopefully mean better quality. Of course, me being me, I will worry that perhaps 150 will be TOO low, at least until the first scan.

So, now we wait for a period. I actually feel PMTish but don't know if this one will arrive on its own, pretty rare for me. Usually get the one at the end of a cycle and one after and then loooong cycles again. I'll take some primolut if I need to (you take that drug for 5 days, then when you withdraw from it, you get a period). See how the next few days pan out. I feel sick with excitement and nerves.

T Minus 3 weeks and counting...

2008-01-15T14:56:00.000+11:00

About 3 weeks to go until we commence cycle 2 of IVF. Unfortunately, we had no frosties (frozen embryos) from last cycle, so we are starting from scratch this time again. That means more $$ and EPU all over again. At least this time we are doing a flare cycle and not a down regulated one (which means 4-6 weeks as opposed to 6-10 weeks). We are excited, and still hopeful that we may get our much longed for second child, yet.

I have my script here, and as soon as AF starts (first week Feb hopefully); we are away. Bit nervous, but mostly excited. Will ring up and pay the big bucks soon so that we can have the script filled and the medications is then here ready to go when my period starts.

Need to call nurses day 1 of cycle, and I think start synarel right away. Will find out I suppose! The good part about starting so early is that we will hit the medicare safety net immediately, and subsequent cycles (not to mention any other medical costs for the year) will then be far cheaper. So the earlier the better really.

Just adding some interesting research from as recently as October last year (about when I underwent the acupuncture for last cycle actually!) - new research says its NOT a good idea. Who bloody knows anymore! Read the article here.

Secondary infertility

2008-01-05T07:40:00.000+11:00

I just wanted to blog about how difficult I find certain aspects of secondary infertility. Obviously, this means we have a child, but are unable to conceive again. Our son is 4, and was conceived on level one of AC: the drug clomid. It took us 2.5 years on and off treatment etc. When he was just 5 months old we started trying again, anticipating the same thing again. But its worse. We took time off assisted conception, and decided we'd just enjoy our one, but then felt ready to return.

The problem is, I feel like I don't fit anywhere. I don't know where to find true support sometimes. I have many friends with infertility problems - its the best things about infertility (oxymoron!?) the people it has brought into my life. Thing is, I often feel like I need to restrict myself and my grumblings because hey, I have a child, so what the hell am I whinging about, right?

I mean, would I think that in their shoes? Probably. Did I? No, because I was still at the naive ttc stage pre-Finn and convinced I would be pregnant soon... Now though, if not for Finn I would probably feel like that. Its so hard to explain how secondary infertility is. I can do it here, because I don't have to censor myself. People don't HAVE to read it. Its not addressed to anyone in any particular situation. I should make it clear, no one has ever given me need to feel I need to censor or that they don't understand it. I have had nothing but overwhelming support and encouragement. It is simply my own paranoia and worry about how it might be perceived that makes me hesitate about it all.

For me, secondary infertility is harder than the first time around (obviously, since this has been far longer and more involved); but becoming a mother was the best thing I have ever done. It fulfilled me. In the past, I would never have said I was overly maternal, but its the first thing I ever felt naturally good at. I felt like even though other peoples kids generally shit me to tears and bore me for the most part... this was made for me. I was made for this! And I desperately wanted more of it, I wanted to give more, to get more, to just experience more! And the love I have for this boy of mine, is out of this world. So, I want to give him everything. I want him to have everything. To not have this again, and worse - to not be able to give him a sibling that he wants, is a pain that shatters my heart. I can't say any of that to people with primary infertility! How insensitive it would be to drone on like that about how motherhood has been for me and therefore how much it pains me not to have more. Again, I feel my own restriction of shut-up and be grateful.

In fact, I have been told that by people! That I ought to be grateful for the one I have not harp on about having another. Which is actually really funny, because its BECAUSE I am grateful that I am like this! Its because its so great, because I delight in it so fully that makes not having more so painful. Some people don't get that. Its not an easy thing to understand. It really IS hard, and I wish that I didn't feel this self imposed censorship about it a lot of the time.

I don't know if we will ever have another child. J and I said that we would give it 12 months of our all. 12 months of doing everything we can to achieve it and if it doesn't happen, then we will put the idea aside for good. I feel peace with that, and I know that if that is the case, life will still be wonderful and I am so lucky, so incredibly blessed to have Finn. I thank my lucky stars every day for him, and I appreciate so fully, every single day. I think that is a blessing in itself, I don't think all parents do so.

Brief update

2008-01-02T19:10:00.000+11:00

With overspending at Xmas and so on, it looks like we won't be able to save the next lot til March. We'll see.

I got a period 23rd November, and again Dec 25 (yep, Merry xmas!) though this one is a light and drawn out one as opposed to heavy and fast. I will ring MIVF tomorrow and fill them in and confirm that from now on we will be doing flare not down reg cycles, and also let them know we will be wanting to book in for a cycle in Feb/March.

I had a meltdown/cry/howl when my period arrived from last cycle, and then a few days later was fine and have been since. I am more annoyed at having to spend the money on it at the moment, and miss out on other things I would like to spend it on. But, this is our decision and god if it works it will be so worth it, I am just finding it hard to have faith. Especially with last cycles crap eggs and no frozens, I am nervous. I want to get started again so I can stop overthinking it all.

I certainly was able to switch off from it all over xmas/new year which has been surprising (for me!) and great. Its only now with this period that I am like ok, lets get this going again ASAP.

Hoping to scrape up the cash to start next period (first week Feb); but otherwise March. We have to pay Finns expensive school fees first, then save like mad.

NEGATIVE child mentioned

2007-11-24T06:40:00.000+11:00

Bleeding, cramps and a negative wee test. Even on crinone (progesterone) I could only manage 11 days past ovulation. The not knowing was doing my head in, so.. at least I know.

I feel upset. Disappointed. Angry. And I hate myself. I've always hated my body and this gives me more reason to do so... Its letting down me, my husband and my son - all our dreams. All because I am defective. That hurts, and its hard to stand - its inescapabale.

J is ok, disappointed of course. He says its not my fault etc.. of course he does. I still feel it though, rational or not. He also says he is proud of how I am coping, though he missed my tears in the afternoon and again this morning! I guess thats still an improvement on the past.

I was upset yesterday afternoon, and Finn drew me some pictures to comfort me. It was really a bit freaky actually, because there is NO way on earth he could have known why I was upset or what it meant. It was never spoken out loud, so he would have NO idea. Anyway, he drew me the following picture. I wasn;t sure whether to be comforted or feel worse that he may want this and I had failed. Its he and I, and obviously, I am carrying a baby.

Spooky huh? Hes such an intuitive boy. He also drew a picture of me crying, and him holding my hand looking after me. I am so lucky to have this precious child, this amazing boy. Maybe it is greedy to try for more of that. Maybe its just meant to be he and us. Maybe there is no meant to. I dont know. The bottom line is, he is a comfort. Though it does make me want more, because how would I not with one as wonderful as he?! And I feel I let him down, his want for a sibling, and thats an unbearable pain.

Anyway, I intend now, to try and change focus and think about J's birthday, Christmas, etc. We'll try again in Jan/Feb, so this blog might be quietish til then. Thanks for supporting me and reading, and caring. It means a lot.

Consuming thoughts...

2007-11-19T15:29:00.000+11:00

Amazing how many times you can google things like :success with low grade embryo's" and "grade 3 embryo" and "day 2 transfer" and get different stories. Sigh. It seems some babies are born from shite embies, and some top grade embies result in failed cycles. So there is no real way of knowing. Though the chances are obviously lower, doesn't mean there is NO chance. So, we wait. And we wait, and we wait, and we wait. Its hard to go from appointments every few days and being very much in go go go mode, to the epu and transfer and pain and watching for OHSS... to now trying to switch it all off and forget about it. Its SO hard not to let ti consume my every waking thought. It is hard when you invest SO much in so many ways, to try and let it go and ce la vie...

Rationally, I have worked out when we will be able to go again (need a cycle off for the recovery, and to get xmas and first terms school fees over with); so probably February... but am glad that we will be on flare cycles now, not down regulated. This means no pill stage. Once I get a period, its straight to the fsh injections, no pill! So instead of 6 weeks+ cycles, it will be 4ish. Means we can easily get through 4 or more cycles by the years end. At which point its crunch time again if we are not successful. I still believe by end next year, we will be. Geez. I have so said that before...

Anyway, I have made those back up plans, and I know that if this is negative, I will be disappointed, and devastated... but I know I will recover eventually, and get back on that horse. In the meantime... we wait.

What a day!!

2007-11-14T17:17:00.000+11:00

I'm home, finally!!

Took Finn to school at 9, then came home and tidied up, then took off to the bank and to top up the petrol before heading off to acupuncture session #1. It went well, lots of needles, lots of Qi moving to the uterus (I hope!)

Then, home for lunch and to meet my sister, and fill her in on picking Finn up etc. So she set off to get him, and I set off for the city. Bloody carpark was full and so I had to walk 3 blocks with my still tender tummy which was a shit!

Mixed news on the embies (embryo's). Of the 11 crap eggs, only 2 survived. :( And they were not great. Excellent and goo embryos are grade 1 and 2, mine were 3 and 4 - so, average and slightly below average (4 cell and 2 cell).

I said "oh. Well can you put both back?" Dr Foster said she felt the lower would not survive freeze and thaw and so decided that yes, 2 could go in. So I saw my 2 little babies on the tv, and then they put them in, I got my progesterone and off we went.

J is a little more disappointed than I, at the prospect of if it is unsuccessful, we need to do all the drugs ad EPU again... I was just relieved its done! I went and had acupuncture #2, and now I am home and falling in a heap. I intend to forget about it, at least for the weekend and enjoy my 30th Birthday.

2 babies on board though, and I know people who conceived with a grade 4, let alone a 3, so I am happy. yay!

just quickly...

2007-11-12T21:27:00.000+11:00

11 eggs, fewer than expected but this means IF the dr feels I am ok Wednesday, transfer of an embryo back into me can go ahead after all!! Fingers crossed I pull up ok. Quite sore tonight, off to bed xx

PS Am rapt with 11!!! Remember 10 was my goal!!

The point of no return

2007-11-11T08:47:00.000+11:00

The nurse called yesterday to tell me that egg pick up is at 10:40am Monday at the RWH, and therefore, trigger was to be at 11:10pm last night. So very precise, not 11, 11:10pm. Because it takes 36 hours to ovulate, so I get there 35 and a half before and then they can catch them as they mature and ready to ovulate.

The trigger injection is bloody awful. Now, at the start of all this, they told us it was an all in one syringe which pleased us greatly, since at the IUIs it was the vials etc. But, when I collected it all on Friday, she said I have to have the vials again because I am hyper stimulated and that form is more gentle on the ovaries.

So anyway, I had to stay up late (for me, I am old remember); at mix it up. What happens is I have to snap the tops of two, small vials (about 3-4cm tall), and hope they don't shatter. Then I have to be super careful that I don't knock them over, and you'd be surprised how easily that could happen! If either happens, we're screwed, there are no spares.

So, then I attach a large thick drawing up needle to the syringe, draw up the water form one tiny vial (without unbalancing it with the thick long needle!) and then depress the water in to the vial of powdered medicine, swirl it up til it dissolves (again, careful with the tiny vial!!!) then draw it all up again, turn the needle upside down so i doesn't all escape when I take the drawing up needle off and replace it with the injecting needle (far, far smaller!)

Then tap all the air bubbles to the surface, and slowly depress the syringe til the air is out, and a drop of medicine is at the tip, then inject. It is seriously stressful and fiddly. But, I got it done. Ended up being 5 minutes late though, so will tell them that tomorrow. Better late than early.

So, there is no going back now. Tomorrow morning we'll see how many eggs we get, and then the eternally long wait til Wednesday when the Dr. calls to tell me how many fertilised with the ICSI, and how many are developing and suitable for freezing. I feel ill at the thought. I am hoping for 10 eggs tomorrow, 10 good ones. 6 is ok. Less than 6 and i will be disappointed and worried, but as long as its quality... it will be ok. I hope.

I am really pretty scared about going under anaesthetic too. Its scary. Last time I was under a similar level of anaesthesia, was for an endoscopy about 10 years ish ago and it was traumatic. Before that, some operations as a little girl (I got over the needle phobia with all this, but still a bit scared of going under). And its going to hurt. A needle through the vaginal wall to get all my eggs out. Well fark. That doesn't sound fun.

So am sore and tired, but nearly there. Now to drink 3l of water and powerade for the next week to stop OHSS and I might even be okay for my birthday on Friday!

The 'Semi-Go ahead.'

2007-11-09T15:48:00.000+11:00

The last 2 days have felt longer than the last 2 months. Have been so stressed and worried and certain it was over. Horrible.

Okay, so I have on the right ovary: 15 follicles measuring about 17mm. On the left: 17 follicles measuring around 17-20mm. Ouch!!! Doctor said that IF we went ahead with a retrieval, I might get hyperstim, but it would not be at dangerous levels. She said no transfer though, freeze all - too risky. She asked how did I feel about the prospect of maybe getting ohss and doing retrieval.. or I could cancel there and then.

I said I would go ahead with retrieval. Am shitting myself mind you. Terrified of getting sick, can be quite bad for some people: lots and lots of fluids, rest and protein. So I feel mixed. Enormous relief this has not all been wasted, scared of getting sick and disappointed we won't get to put a fresh embryo back (supposedly far more likely to implant than a thawed).

I think its the right decision tho. If we transferred and it took, then we'd be starting pregnancy in a stressed/worn out body, and that'd be sucky. Plus it'd be hard if I got very sick with ohss - worrying about me, and a fetus AND finn etc... too much. I do feel this is right. Make the most of it and get them out - but then let my body rest and recover before a pregnancy. feels right.

So, onto retrieval Monday, they will call with details of when and where tomorrow.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

2007-11-07T12:18:00.000+11:00

I have 20 fricken follis on EACH side. 40 follis. This is NOT good news. :( Dr says 50/50 chance of cancellation. I drop back to 200iu today and tomorrow and rescan Friday morning. If I have more than 30 still, I am cancelled.
If I have 25-30 I will have retrieval but not transfer. etc..

Sigh. No wonder my ovaries fuckin hurt. J is being positive and saying well we know we can get the numbers next time etc etc...

I am trying not to think about it. Worrying wont change it. Just see what happens Friday, but its not looking good at all. Please send me some "halve what you have" vibes.

This is not very much fun

2007-11-06T08:01:00.000+11:00

So I made it, just did my #5 injection and that is it now til the scan tomorrow to see what is developing. I am feeling it I have to say. This is the most I have ever had and it could get worse yet.

I feel really irritable and short tempered, teary and tired. My ovaries are a little tender, not sore, just... I am aware of them! I am confident something is going on, I just don't know how much or to what extent. I was reading back over my IUI journals to see my response to injections then, and I felt a little more sore than I am now when I had 5 or so follicles maturing. So, I still expect to have some days ahead of injecting yet.

Find out tomorrow morning I guess. Am shit scared, to be honest. This is a scary part, the balance of dose is tricky. I don't want over and to be cancelled and in pain etc. with OHSS*; nor do I want to go under and be injecting forever and still risk cancellation with too few follicles. I am utterly terrified. Trying not to think too much about it at the moment. Need to distract myself today so it passes quickly.

*OHSS is Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome, and can be really scary and serious requiring hospitalisation and close monitoring. You cna try and keep it at bay by drinking lots of water/gatorade which I am doing, but if its bad enough, it will happen anyway. More info can be found by clicking here.

IVF Junkie

2007-11-01T16:06:00.000+11:00

Hurrah! I commence shooting up tomorrow! Should have been today, but the scan to check progress fell on Cup day so its tomorrow, and scan Wednesday. I talked to her about the very low start dose and told her my IUI history dosage/result and she decided to instead start me at 250. I felt anything less than 200 would be a waste of our time, so was very pleased with that.

So, I collected my second pack now (have one the same from IUI days); of cooler bag, ice brick, pen needle, sharps disposal unit and precious vials and needles. I feel so relieved, honestly. And can you believe my lining was still bloody 4mm?!?! HOW? Stupid period is STILL spotting today. Dr says was definitely right to wait the week given that the period kept going like that, says it would've stuffed things a bit.

I really like my Dr. She listens to me, she's encouraging, realistic and proactive. You really can't ask for more than that when it comes to Assisted Conception, in my opinion.

So, good news. Am already nervous about Wednesdays scan. Am quite certain I will need a lot more beyond that, so its not that. But now I am thinking god if I talked her into a higher dose and I react differently and OVERstim, it will be my fault. Its unlikely... but it will be in my mind til Wednesday. What I expect to happen, is to find some growth, but early days, which will require more stimulation/needles, maybe an increased dose or more of the same. With IUI I injected for 3 weeks and 2 weeks so that is an indication.

Also, I just received an email from the people at www.essentialbaby.com.au which said I had been chosen as a winner for a competition I entered recently. I have won us a copy of this book:

Making Babies: Personal IVF Stories (can click that for more info)

So that will be handy timing, and should inspire and give us strength. Great bonus! Good day!!

ETA: Credit for the term "IVF junkie" which I just love, goes to Adrian B, I have adopted it as my new favourite term.

When it comes to God...

2007-10-31T10:04:00.000+11:00

... I have no clear belief system. I don;t believe in any God that is represented by any major religion. I think when you die, thats it. And yet, I have moments where I wonder. I found this on the net today, and it rang true to me. The same theory can apply to Karma as to God. The part in bold is something I have always said, and certainly it applies where our son is concerned.

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

"Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "Adopt and you'll get pregnant." Of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

"These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and me to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility. I already know."

Come off it!

2007-10-30T16:52:00.001+11:00

STILL bleeding. 11 days and counting. Not amused.

Waiting...

2007-10-29T11:23:00.000+11:00

Still waiting. Still sniffing. The double dose is giving me awful headaches. Its a known side effect of synarel, and the single dose was not too bad, but definitely notice it now. Sharp, horrid ones.

On the plus side, my period is STILL lingering, which now has my hopes up that Thursdays scan will give me the go ahead. Who knows though, I clearly don't!!

No deal.

2007-10-25T15:46:00.000+10:00

It was every bit as mortifying as I thought. Actually, it was much worse. Horrible.

Lining too thick still. Double sniffing dugs and come back in a week. If no go, more pills to get ANOTHER period and come back in another 2 weeks.

So 1-3 weeks delay. Pissed off. Could have been with my boy on a fun day out but no, I had to do this. The Dr, the nurse and the pharmacist were all very nice, couldn't fault the service at all. Lots of waiting (over an hour all up); but oh well. Its hard to do this. Hard to drive all the way in, wait... no outcome.. do it all again next week. Its hard.

Shitful. Oh well. Not much I can do or say really is there?!

Ow ow ow ow ow!

2007-10-23T17:38:00.000+10:00

I so shouldn't have raved on about my period. Its gotten gradually worse the last 24 hours and is now very painful and rather heavy. Doubt it will be light, let alone gone, by Thursday. How degrading. Oh well. Am sure I am not the first. Hopefully I will be ready for FSH. PLEEEEEAAASSEEEE.

I chose my Doctor well

2007-10-22T11:59:00.000+10:00

I really, really, really do like my FS. She answered my email promptly as always, and said we can discuss the dose at the scan, and that she is happy to adjust it upwards. The relief is enormous! This is very, very, good news.

My period is still AWOL, no idea what is going on there. Just have to see what happens at the scan. The problem may be that if I don't get a decent period my lining may not be thin enough to start injections. Nothing I can do about it. It is really hard - and completely against my nature - to go with the flow and relax about whats going on. I am doing better at the moment, but its taking a concerted effort.

Anyway, Thursday will be telling. Nervous as hell.

Feel very stressed and tense today. Sort of feel alone too, even though I know there are people who care and will listen. I just feel weird. :(

The worry

2007-10-21T09:22:00.000+10:00

Freaking out again. Waiting for this period that won't start. Spotting and thats it. Come on!!! Sigh. Am worried that I will still be bleeding at the scan Thursday. Way to be even less dignified and more embarrassed :(

And then I was stupidly reading stuff on the net about starting doses of puregon and bad results from low stim doses and I know my Dr plans to start me very low in case the PCOS sends me into hyperstim (medically v dangerous). But I responded slow in the IUIs and now am freaking out. Sigh. Its so scary. The chance of this actually working is so bloody low. I'm depressed. :(

Hurrah!

2007-10-18T09:16:00.000+10:00

Today is a wonderful day! It is the "take last pill today" day! Kaloo kalay! Have I ever been so excited at the prospect of a period? I don't think so! Cannot wait to get off these horrid things. So from now on its just sniffing synarel for a week, scan next Thursday (changed to 10:45am).

Speaking of which, yesterday I paid the difference between a Stim cycle and an ICSI cycle and then called the nurses to sort out picking up the injection because the information book says to organise it in advance to avoid delay. Honestly, so far they're badly lacking in the impressive stakes. We had this conversation:

Me: When do I pick up the meds etc because I have my down reg scan next week.

Nurse: You'll have a script.

Me: I don't have a script, should I have?

Nurse (in a voice that clearly shows she thinks I am lacking brain cells): No you get it from your doctor at your scan.

Me: Oh ok. And erm.. then what do I do with that? Do I take it to a chemist?

Nurse (now sounding like I am from another planet for not knowing the drill): No, you bring it in to us, and we do it all here.

Me: oh ok. And so do I need an appointment for that or?

Nurse (almost shitty now): No, its just routine, you come here after your scan.

Me: Well no one told me that.

Nurse (now feeling chastised and even more pissed as a result): Right, well thats how it works.

Fond farewells etc. (pfft).

So really, not too impressed with them so far to be honest! They've a lot of ground to make up and so far none has been made up at all. Oh well. Long as they get it right on the day...

Feel insane.

2007-10-16T13:02:00.000+10:00

Hormones are doing my fucking head in.

I just had a MASSIVE tantrum because I couldn't peel my boiled eggs and when I did they weren't cooked through. So I threw them (a handful of egg) into the sink but half went on the window/windowsill/sink. shell everywhere. On the floor... So, I sat on the floor and cried. Finn was patiently eating his lunch and watching nonchalantly. He eventually said "I'll look after you mum" - bless him.

So then I tried to poach an egg but it didn't work, again, so I threw it all in the garden (which Angus the lab loved!), threw the saucepan in the sink and had ham instead :(

It SOUNDS funny, but it really is an awful feeling almost out of control.

Interesting article.

2007-10-16T09:37:00.000+10:00

Source: http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=87188

Twin Babies from IVF Falling.

The number of twins born to IVF mums is plummeting as more women opt to have just a single embryo implanted to fall pregnant, official fertility figures show.

A trans-Tasman report into assisted reproductive technology (ART) shows that fertility specialists are encouraging women to avoid a double embryo transfer.

Implanting two embryos slightly increases the chance of pregnancy but is more likely to result in twins, which are more likely to be born underweight and premature and with a higher risk of birth defects than singleton babies.

New statistics released by the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare (AIHW) show that almost half - 48 per cent - of all ART treatment cycles in Australia and New Zealand are now single-embryo transfers, compared with 28 per cent in 2002.

As a result, the number of twins born has dropped from more than 40 per cent of ART births in 2002 to 23 per cent in 2005.

Fertility expert and AIHW adviser Professor Michael Chapman said these figures could be expected to shrink to just 10 per cent in the next five years as more fertility experts and parents opted for single embryo procedures.

"The end result of this is bigger babies, healthier babies, so it is great to see these numbers dropping so fast," Prof Chapman said.

"I think specialists who are advising parents have been won over to the notion that twins are a bad thing."

Since 2002, the Fertility Society of Australia has recommended that women under 35 have only one embryo implanted. But the single embryo option remains less popular among older women, who are most keen to have a first-time pregnancy success.

The AIHW report, called Assisted Reproduction Technology in Australia and New Zealand 2005, counted 51,017 treatment cycles in Australia and New Zealand in 2005, including 3,356 donor sperm insemination cycles.

The number of ART babies born in the two countries soared from 6,792 in 2004 to 9,764 in 2005, with such births now accounting for almost three per cent of Australia's annual birthrate.

The average age of IVF mums was 35.5 years, slightly higher than the previous year. The proportion over 40 also increased fractionally to 15.3 per cent.

The death rate among IVF babies dropped by a quarter between 2004 and 2005, largely due to the increase in safer single embryo transfers and singleton births.

Only eight per cent of babies born from a single embryo procedure had a low birth weight, compared with 25 per cent of babies born after two embryos were implanted.

The results are in line with a study presented at the national fertility conference in Hobart last month showing IVF twins were a vastly bigger cost to the health system.

A twin delivery cost $24,000, due to clinical complications and post-birth care, compared with $8,000 for a solo IVF baby.

This is interesting as we have been told we will only transfer one, and I was a bit flat about it reducing our chances (or in the very least, meaning we may need more cycles before success). Good to know we aren't alone in the single transfer stakes.

Bugger.

2007-10-15T10:39:00.000+10:00

We got Josh's sperm analysis results back today, expecting no dramas and instead were told motility improved, but morphology low (so not many sperm the right shape). Our Fertility Specialist (FS) has recommended we use ICSI in our cycle. This is IntraCytoplasmic Sperm Injection and is demonstrated in the below video. To watch the video (if you've not used youtube before, am looking at you Mum); press play, then pause again, and wait til the red line is filled then hit play again. This will stop it from stop starting as it loads.

In the needle you can just see a little black sperm swimming up and down the length of the needle. Stupid thing swims the wrong way after they pierce into the egg, but eventually swims out and the needle is removed.

This is good in some ways, it means fertilisation is likely, since they will be forced together, rather than waiting for them to decide if they can be arsed doing it themselves or not. It costs a little more, $377 more upfront, but only $75 more overall after medicare rebate. The ICSI procedure has only very, very recently been added to the medicare schedule for rebate so thats great for us.

Its good to know now, and be prepared and have this in place to deal with it - but it has wobbled me a little.. like something else to overcome... Just a bit depressing.

Anyhoo, heres the video:

Are you good at hurdle races? I hope I am.

2007-10-14T12:41:00.000+10:00

Feel odd today. Up and down. I am excited, about the prospect of becoming pregnant. I feel confident that this will work for us - in time. Assuming we can remain strong enough to give it a decent try (e.g. 12 months).

Feel absolutely sick with nerves at the scariness ahead though. IVF is basically a series of hurdles you have to get over. Obviously the scheduling was one, though I didn't realise that until it went wrong. From now on, I see the hurdles as thus:

1. Scan on the 25th, needs to show no cysts and thin lining, need to be ready to inject.

IF I am indeed ready to inject the next hurdle is a big one, and one I have real potential at failing.

2. Scan to assess fsh injection affect, i.e. follicle growth. I suspect mine will be slow, and will need longer than the usual one week only. I hope that I do have SOME growth though.

This leads to the next hurdle:

3. Do I have enough follicles EVENTUALLY? Even if slow, will I have a decent number. If not, I could be cancelled and this would be extremely distressing. Any of these hurdles causing us to stumble will be devastating. To not even get the chance... ugh. So, responding effectively.

Assuming I do relatively okay, the next hurdle is OPU.

4. How many eggs are retrieved? We want a decent number. 10 would be brilliant! We only need one to put back, but we want a few to choose the best from, and some may not progress and I would love to have some frozen to avoid another long cycle if this one fails. So number of eggs.

Assuming we pass that hurdle and get a few eggs at least; we then need to:

5. Fertilisation. Need to get them to fertilise, hope that they don;t sit and refuse to socialise with the sperm. Hope like hell they fertilise. Often, many do not. Again, we'd like one beauty to transfer, and a few for the freezer and expect some not to make it any further as well.

After fertilisation, we want:

6. The embryos to continue developing. So cell division, not just not growth... Again, I expect we could lose some here. And it depends what stage of development they reach. The more they grow, the better their chance of sticking. Would love some top grade, beautiful embies. Please.

Assuming this goes ok, we then transfer one and freeze (hopefully) lots more. The final hurdle is the biggest.

7. Implantation. We need any transferred embryo to burrow in and implant into the uterine lining, thereby making us pregnant, as shown by a blood test 2 weeks after transfer.

There are so many chances for failing. It literally makes me feel sick to think about. It will be good to complete one cycle, negative or positive, to tell us whether there are any other issues we didn;t yet know about at the egg quality or fertilisation stage. If not, then we can expect to get there eventually.

I feel exhausted just thinking about it!!! The biggest thing I think, is to get lots of good eggs. If this happens, it makes failing at the latter stages a LITTLE less likely (assuming we've on issues with fertilisation).

So scared.

I was wrong, again!

2007-10-12T19:52:00.000+10:00

The instructions say take last pill on 18th, not stop on 18th. So thats clear!

Sniffy sniffy

2007-10-12T11:19:00.001+10:00

And we're off... Sniffing last night and this morning commenced! Ahh the familiar taste of synarel returns... I had forgotten just how charming it ain't! Bleauch! So anyhoo, sniffing that for a week as well as taking the pill, overlap the two for a week, stop the pill on the 18th (does this mean I take the pill on the 18th or not? If I am to stop on the 18th, I think not?) and then have a period and then a scan on the 25th October to see if we are set to start injections.

In the mail today, I got the initial instructions (pre cancellation); which had my dates as start synarel 31st, stop pill 3rd, scan 14th november. My God. Thank GOD I can start now, that is crazy scheduling. I took great joy from shredding that set of instructions and may frame the new ones when they arrive.

I was worried by my reaction yesterday, gave myself a bit of a fright. Thought I was all calm and impressed I had remained patient for those 3 weeks which old Kel would never have done. Then I fell apart at the first hurdle and that worried me. Will I cope with more setbacks (and generally in an AC cycle there are many IME). I don't know how to prepare myself for the unexpected and roll with it all. It is difficult because its so emotionally charged.

Just try my best eh?

This is why they call IVF

2007-10-11T12:56:00.000+10:00

a rollercoaster. They called again. Have had a cancellation and I can start today...

swear words!

2007-10-11T10:30:00.001+10:00

They "forgot" to schedule me when i called TWICE 3 frigging weeks ago to say I was on the pill. So now I can't start for another 3 frigging weeks. I told them it wasn't good enough, but they said theres nothing they can do, its the soonest they can fit me in.

So I am dealing with incompetent tools. I gave up my holiday, my life.. for this. I don't think I want to do this. I don't think i CAN do this. this is f$*%ed up.

Oh the characters!

2007-10-11T09:13:00.000+10:00

Man, the people we met yesterday at MIVF were such characters. 2 in particular - such odd people!

Poor J had an appointment for his SA yesterday morning so he had to go and do that, and then meet me in the afternoon for the other stuff. Firstly, we met the nurse. She was very nice, showed us the injections which haven't changed since we did IUI - although their trigger is all in one, ready to go; no vial mixing! Woot! I told her I had been on the pill for 3 weeks and was ready to move on so she gave me the script for synarel and said to pick it up then and there, and that she would call me later with my schedule. It was very straight forward, an envelope of info to read and back to the waiting room we went.

We were then called into accounts. We walked in and sat down and the lady said to me"what perfume are you wearing?" I thought to myself oh i must smell nice, how complimentary! I told her and she said "Oh yes, I thought so. I am deathly allergic. I am going to have to get someone else to do this." She called someone else to take over and said she would start, but every 5 seconds she would complain and say she was going to be ill all over me, or "it huts me right here" gently touching a hand to her head. Melodramatic indeed. Was weird. I wasn't sure what to make of it and began to wonder if there were hidden cameras. She started going through the fees and then abruptly stopped and said "no I have to go. I don't want to be throwing up all the way home. is my eye getting smaller?" I was like... err... not really... and Josh pipes up and says "oh yeah it is..." encouraging her neuroses and having fun with it. he is so evil. "I thought so. yes I can feel it" she says and bolts from the room apologising as she goes. I looked at J like.. wtf??? I felt awful!! I am knocking people down with my scent!!!

Anyway, the replacement lady came in and was lovely, talked us through all the fees and so on. Nothing unexpected there except that going public may not be possible. They would try and fit us in, but there is a chance we will end up at Freemasons thereby costing us another 500 bucks. See how we go I guess. We paid then although it wasn't necessary for another couple of weeks, I just wanted it done with so I am committed and don't need to worry about it. Left that with another pile of reading.

Back to the waiting room for another read of Dog Magazine (!) and Vogue Living. Then we got called into the counsellors office. There is no polite way to say this. When we walked in the room STANK. She had obviously just.. well... been struck by flatulence. It was dreadful. I almost gagged and was wondering how the hell I'd be able to sit there for any length of time, all the while hoping it was her and not my husband!!!! Thankfully, it dissipated eventually. teehee! She went through all the background of our ttc and had we told people we were doing IVF and then all the ethical questions. Namely, in the event of immature eggs or ones that are dodgy and won't fertilise, would we donate them to science (not just research, things like teaching new scientists the methods etc) or dispose of them? Then in the event of one of us dying, did we consent to leave any embryos to our partner to use (fine if J dies and I whack them in, but if I die, he needs a new woman to put them in and wouldn't they want their own if he has a new woman? minefield...) And finally, if we are successful and still have embryos in storage, after 5-10 years we need to decide what to do with them; do we dispose, donate to couples, or donate to research. This one we didn't have to decide immediately, we've much time to do that.

She left to photocopy the consent form and J immediately bursts out to me "Did this place STINK when we came in or what?!?!" Boys! We had a giggle and had to recompose before she came back... A further stack of reading and we were done. We were impressed with the staff though, they were friendly and prompt and extremely knowledgeable. i think we both feel in good hands which is important.

After that we picked up the synarel (cha ching.. another $100 bucks!) And came home. Very uneventful. The nurse didn't call either, so I have just left a message this morning and should hear back before 5pm tonight hopefully. Again, I am not desperate to know or particularly antsy. I would like to know so I have the next point to focus on, but otherwise, I am cruisy. For now...

The sun will come out tomorrow...

2007-10-09T10:45:00.000+10:00

I hope its good news. I spose it will all happen eventually, whether its tomorrow or later. Very indifferent, I guess because I focus on one next step at a time and its not overly exciting yet. Will be good to move on of course, but I wouldn't say I am excited.

Mind you, getting the hell off the pill will be good. I am so so sick of being teary or snappy etc.. Its like clomid again! I don't have good hormones! Am all over the place today. I should find something more productive to do.

Yawn.

2007-10-01T10:48:00.001+10:00

Still 9 more sleeps til anything at all happens with this process. Bored. Sick of waiting. Just plodding along... I decided though, that the reason I was all flat and depressed etc is because I dont think the first cycle will work, so am expecting a big, intrusive, yuck process, for no outcome, at least initially. I think long term positive, but not first cycle positive - i.e. realistically. But I just want to get going to get the dud cycles over you know?

Rang the clinic to check I really am meant to just sit tight, and yes, thats right. I did say when I come next week can I move on to the next thing that day or soon after and they said that should be ok. Bloody hope so. Intend to pay and take all the meds with me to save a trip also, which nurse said was a good idea.

Bored with waiting. Its my wedding anniversary next weekend, and my 30th birthday in about 6 weeks and we'll not be able to do anything for either. All our spare cash is going into this IVF caper. Little bit sad, but we'll just do it late.

A week from today is my woulda shoulda coulda day. Had things been different, next Monday I'd have been flying out to my heartland. Also a someday thing now. I sound resentful, but I am not. It was the right decision!

Meh

2007-09-26T08:15:00.001+10:00

I feel flat. Partly impatient, even though waiting another 2 weeks actually suits us well. Partly just... weird. Maybe its the pill hormones.
Bah.

Emotional freakout

2007-09-20T09:17:00.001+10:00

Rambling thoughts... Feeling so strange about all of this. Freakin out about going back to treatment. The pill is making me feel a bit nauseous and off; I feel really snappy and tense already too, more from being a bit anxious than anything else though. I am depressed about the only one embie back thing; most people I know that had success on their first cycle of IVF did so with 2 transferred resulting in a singleton pregnancy. I am dubious of success. Bitter and cynical!

Just feel a bit... I don't know what! Maybe because of that negativity, I am not super excited and so I feel I am putting myself through all this with not much belief in it working, at least not the first time around. So, 3 weeks til the next thing happens, and in that time I will try and get lots of uni stuff done so that IVF ramping up and uni assignments due all at once is not too stressful.

Verdict

2007-09-19T08:10:00.002+10:00

That was your hint. How ironic and strange it is, to start assisted conception by taking the pill!!!

Dr. Foster was really good. She asked our history and then asked what we wanted to do, and we of course said IVF please. She said she agreed that was a sensible decision given the mucking about we had already done.

She will only transfer 1. Before going, I thought that with my age and that we knew we CAN conceive, one was best for us anyway, but now shes said it I feel like our chances of it working just halved. I am an odd one.

She asked when my last period was and I said 10 days ago and that I only get them every 80-100 days; so she decided to do a scan on the spot and my lining looked good (she taught me how to read the ultrasound which was great, didn't look like the moon anymore); and then said I could start tomorrow (ie today!).

So, after sorting the $$ - we are away this morning. I took a pill. I told Dad he could have ownership rights over any baby that might be created, especially when it needs a nappy change. :D

Now I have to call the MIVF nurses this morning and tell them I have started. I have NO idea what happens form here. I do know that J has to make an appointment to give a sperm sample but he chickened out of making it yesterday. I was NOT impressed. I have to do most of the hell, he has that one test. Why I oughta... lol.

it is all happening so quickly. Yesterday I was just so overwhelmed and felt like crying and laughing at once. The reality of returning to all the invasive treatment, the finances, the broken dreams seemed to hit a bit. At the same time, I am excited (but to be honest, not overly hopeful). J reminded me that the way to look at it is not that this cycle will work, but that one of three or so will. I like that. I can do that. So here we go!

Tired and nervous

2007-09-17T11:47:00.000+10:00

Feeling out of sorts today. Really anxious and on edge about tomorrow. Hoping it goes the way I want it to.. a go ahead.

Also tired and worn out from caring for sick boys. Just snappy and nervous. This time tomorrow, will know where I am with everything...

All systems are go!

2007-09-15T11:50:00.000+10:00

Got my referrals all sorted this morning. I really like my GP, she is lovely. She put in that we wanted to go right to IVF and that we had already done IUIs etc. She made it for J and I together and ongoing, and for both Doctors. She included the issues both of us have. Very comprehensive!

So now we are set to go for Tuesday. Nervous as hell.

Decisions, decisions.

2007-09-14T09:38:00.000+10:00

Ok, in chatting to other ltttc/ACers both in my little circle and on bellybelly, the amount required for the acup/herbs is too much for the potential affect. I think what I will do is get myself some herbs for complementary meds to the IVF, and have the occasional massage for relaxation throughout treatment. Weekly or fortnightly, depending where I am at. I think that will give me much the same affect, or close to. I would like to do the acup, but IVF will cost a bomb and I don't want to struggle to afford it.

So decision made! Now to get Tuesday over with so I know where we are at... Am so nervous about it. I want her to say IVF lets go... and then for the preliminary stuff to take a little bit of time til we have the cashola in our hands in November! We'll see how we go. Fingers crossed. :)

To acupuncture or not to?

2007-09-13T13:35:00.000+10:00

It was great, I feel very relaxed and floopy. But, its gonna cost. A lot. She wants to start biweekly for a bit, then reduce. She wants me on herbs also. Its going to cost me a little over $120 a week for at least 5 weeks... I guess I have to weigh it all up.

Herbs are: bupleurum and danggui formula and also ginseng and danggui eight combination. She also wants me to get some flaxseed oil and Vitex (chaste tree). And acupuncture twice a week for about 5 weeks, then weekly and so on.

I don't know, it is a LOT of money. But if it helps us conceive first go, its worth it. Maybe once I have seen the specialist on Tuesday and know when and what we are doing re treatment it will help.

Need to talk it all over with J and sort money etc out properly I think! a

Acupuncture ahoy!

2007-09-12T10:34:00.000+10:00

I made an appointment to start acupuncture tomorrow. The therapist, Margaret, specialises in womens issues etc and certainly knows her stuff. She is also endearingly Canadian, and reminds me of my Canadian mate, Erika, who I spent many fun times with in 01. I love that accent. teehee! When I said I wanted to do it in conjunction with IVF but that I thought I needed to start this first, she agreed and seemed to know exactly what I was on about so thats good.

Anyhoo, I will probably need 8-14 weeks of weekly therapy, then it will scale back. Cost is $50 per 45min session, more for herbs if required. Not a fan of herbs though! Not the gunky funky tasting ones anyhoo! So, bit nervous, but also curious about it - will let you know how it goes, am scheduled for 11am tomorrow!

More stuff

2007-09-11T13:22:00.000+10:00

Ballarat is not looking good:

Hi Kelly,
Your initial consult fee do see Dr Bardsley will be $167.00 of which $99.25 will not be claimable from medicare. IVF fees vary depending on whether you have private health insurance. The up front fee will be approx $4,500, you will be eliglble for a medicare rebate the amount being dependant on your medicare safety net. Blood tests will need tobe done through St John of God Pathology and scans through Lake Imaging so I imagine Ballarat will be your closest providers. Hope you can make sense of all this! We can clarify and give you detailed quotes when you see Dr Bardsley.

Bugger. Never mind, if all goes well on Tuesday with MIVF, I will cancel that appointment all together.

Also received this email in reply to another query I had with our PHI -

The item number 13212 is covered under your policy. You have Public Hospital cover with a $400 excess. The item is only covered in a public hospital with the doctor of your own choice.

Which surprised me, although I think our excess will be more than MIVF charge anyway!!

Extra info

2007-09-10T08:11:00.000+10:00

I made the appt to see a Dr at MIVF and then realised she was not the Sunshine (closest) clinic Dr. I rang MIVF this morning though, and asked does it have to be that clinics Dr or can I see Dr Foster at her rooms but still do all my bloods and scans at sunshine?

Yes! Dr is irrelevant. Thats good because the Dr at Sunshine is only there Wed arvo and because of small mans school hours, afternoons are not suitable. So I would have had to see him elsewhere at other times anyway.

Also realised that to get to that clinic, its not TOO bad in terms of traffic because I only go as far down the Calder as Sydenham then turn off, and it doesn't get hectic really, until from and after the Sydenham on ramp (as far as I can recall anyway). And if I tried it once and found it was busy, I could always go the back way thereafter, which would be just an extra 10 mins or so. Not so bad after all...

I emailed Ballarat IVF today also, and asked if IVF is required, how do the payment options all work, and I am going to call MIVF accounts later and ask the same. Am hoping one or both, allow you to pay just the gap fee upfront, and bill medicare directly for their share. This would mean the difference between needing to find $3000 (which we can currently do by mid November); and $5000 which would not be possible til Jan/Feb next year.

We will try something before the years end (from Nov) - whether that is IVF or IUI is yet to be seen. Because we already have a child, our safety net for medicare is far lower, at $520 of which we already have $120 toward, and given I am still to see a GP for referrals and have these 2 specialist appointments, we are obviously going to be close to it anyway, so might as well start now. Oh correction, I think we are now on 1029 safety net coz we dont get family tax A anymore, only B. Bugger! Thats 500 less we get back! Oh well. Otherwise, costs are as I imagined, although next weeks appointment just to see the Dr is $170-. Yowsers!

Resume transmission

2007-09-10T04:36:00.000+10:00

Just a note on the blog name: Mr MyFaceTube and I were laughing at internet fads and decided millions await us if we combine My Space, Facebook and YouTube. Hence MyFaceTube. :D It appealed to our wit!

Big decision has been made, the return to fertility treatment awaits us. A brief history rundown:

TTC #1
Briefly:
3 natural cycles (approx. 90 – 100 days in length each).
1 cycle 50mg clomid
4 cycles 100mg clomid – conception 16/11/02; Son born induction delivery 08/08/03.

TTC #2
Briefly:
2 cycles no treatment (cycles approx. 90+ days)
1 cycle 50mg clomid
2 cycles 100mg, started metformin (500mg) as well.
1 cycle 150mg (undetected ovulation)
5 cycles 200mg (first detected too late)
IUI 1 – negative.
IUI 2 - Negative.

We then took a two year break from treatment, from sheer exhaustion. Aside from the pregnancy and 5 months after, infertility had been our lives for 6 years. To have a break was heavenly, although much was spent grieving the loss of multiple children. I didn't see the return to treatment coming at all, we felt we were done, bu here we are! Have since lost 4kg and started metformin again and currently cycles are approx. 85 days ish.

I want a closer clinic this time, so am sussing 2 out. I also would like to move fairly quickly on to IVF, not faff about with more IUI treatment, so again, sussing this and payment options out (ideally pay gap amount and bill medicare directly) as this will impact when we can start.

I have an appointment Tues 18 Sep and one Fri 21 Sep, a busy week. I don't know how I feel about it all. Partly excited, hopeful and happy; partly terrified, anxious and tense. Still surprised at the decision also! My husband always said he wasn't wanting to return to AC but would support me if I did. He recently changed his mind which gave me the ability to freely admit I felt the time was right too. So here we go!

My Face Tube

Our baby at 12 weeks

Hello :)

Houston:

Baseless (?) Fear and Worry

Distraction...

Beta #2

Scared shitless

Stressed much?

A plethora of beautiful signs

I feel sick (ch ment)

Transfer

EPU

Trigger

Goodo!!

Third Scan

Nerves

Bloods

Second scan

First Scan

Hallelujah!!!

A letter to my body

FYI

IVF Junkie part 3

Cycle 3 away!

$$$$$$$ & Resources

Are we there yet?

Swinging

AC is like a tightrope walk

Geebus!!!!!

The Tea Party

Cancelled

Nothing ever is easy

An interesting comparison

Blahhh

Slow and steady is good

Hormonal Hell

Random thoughts

Day 1 ahoy!

Yawn.

Waiting... Again!

T Minus 3 weeks and counting...

Secondary infertility

Brief update

NEGATIVE ***child mentioned***

Consuming thoughts...

What a day!!

just quickly...

The point of no return

The 'Semi-Go ahead.'

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

This is not very much fun

IVF Junkie

When it comes to God...

Come off it!

Waiting...

No deal.

Ow ow ow ow ow!

I chose my Doctor well

The worry

Hurrah!

Feel insane.

Interesting article.

Bugger.

Are you good at hurdle races? I hope I am.

I was wrong, again!

Sniffy sniffy

This is why they call IVF

*swear words!*

Oh the characters!

The sun will come out tomorrow...

Yawn.

Meh

Emotional freakout

Verdict

Tired and nervous

All systems are go!

Decisions, decisions.

To acupuncture or not to?

Acupuncture ahoy!

NEGATIVE child mentioned

swear words!