Saturday, January 5, 2008

Secondary infertility

I just wanted to blog about how difficult I find certain aspects of secondary infertility. Obviously, this means we have a child, but are unable to conceive again. Our son is 4, and was conceived on level one of AC: the drug clomid. It took us 2.5 years on and off treatment etc. When he was just 5 months old we started trying again, anticipating the same thing again. But its worse. We took time off assisted conception, and decided we'd just enjoy our one, but then felt ready to return.

The problem is, I feel like I don't fit anywhere. I don't know where to find true support sometimes. I have many friends with infertility problems - its the best things about infertility (oxymoron!?) the people it has brought into my life. Thing is, I often feel like I need to restrict myself and my grumblings because hey, I have a child, so what the hell am I whinging about, right?

I mean, would I think that in their shoes? Probably. Did I? No, because I was still at the naive ttc stage pre-Finn and convinced I would be pregnant soon... Now though, if not for Finn I would probably feel like that. Its so hard to explain how secondary infertility is. I can do it here, because I don't have to censor myself. People don't HAVE to read it. Its not addressed to anyone in any particular situation. I should make it clear, no one has ever given me need to feel I need to censor or that they don't understand it. I have had nothing but overwhelming support and encouragement. It is simply my own paranoia and worry about how it might be perceived that makes me hesitate about it all.

For me, secondary infertility is harder than the first time around (obviously, since this has been far longer and more involved); but becoming a mother was the best thing I have ever done. It fulfilled me. In the past, I would never have said I was overly maternal, but its the first thing I ever felt naturally good at. I felt like even though other peoples kids generally shit me to tears and bore me for the most part... this was made for me. I was made for this! And I desperately wanted more of it, I wanted to give more, to get more, to just experience more! And the love I have for this boy of mine, is out of this world. So, I want to give him everything. I want him to have everything. To not have this again, and worse - to not be able to give him a sibling that he wants, is a pain that shatters my heart. I can't say any of that to people with primary infertility! How insensitive it would be to drone on like that about how motherhood has been for me and therefore how much it pains me not to have more. Again, I feel my own restriction of shut-up and be grateful.

In fact, I have been told that by people! That I ought to be grateful for the one I have not harp on about having another. Which is actually really funny, because its BECAUSE I am grateful that I am like this! Its because its so great, because I delight in it so fully that makes not having more so painful. Some people don't get that. Its not an easy thing to understand. It really IS hard, and I wish that I didn't feel this self imposed censorship about it a lot of the time.

I don't know if we will ever have another child. J and I said that we would give it 12 months of our all. 12 months of doing everything we can to achieve it and if it doesn't happen, then we will put the idea aside for good. I feel peace with that, and I know that if that is the case, life will still be wonderful and I am so lucky, so incredibly blessed to have Finn. I thank my lucky stars every day for him, and I appreciate so fully, every single day. I think that is a blessing in itself, I don't think all parents do so.


Bec said...

Hon, please don't ever feel like you have to censor yourself with me, your feelings are 100% valid. Just because you have a child, it doesn't mean that your pain is any less real. (((HUGS))) to you xxx

Kirsten, once was Kay said...

I was about to leave a long winded message about all grief being valid yadda yadda yadda, but your friend Bec said it better, so I'll just offer my support and understanding and leave it at that.

soul-quest said...

I loved this post and could relate to every single thing you said regarding wanting so desperately to give your child a sibling and also the fact that it is because of your gratefullness for him that you so want to give him more. Thank you