Saturday, January 26, 2008


Still waiting... I did however, start primolut. So had I been about to get AF naturally, this will delay it.. but if I had NOT been about to, this will speed it up - a risk I was willing to take, basically. So today is day 4 of it, tomorrow I take the last 2, and then it will take anywhere from 3-11 days for a period to show. From memory, last time I was on this stuff, it took 4 or 5 days.

My puregon is in the fridge, ready to go, and my synarel is here waiting also. Just hinging on the period now so I can call the nurses and be away with it. Bit over the waiting, its all about waiting in assisted conception, it sucks.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Waiting... Again!

Paid our pile of cash to MIVF this morning. Always a strange feeling, but can now get hubby to collect the medicines this week in preparation for day 2 when it arrives. Dr Foster has me starting at 150iu this cycle. Last cycle we did 250iu and it happened hard and fast and I had a LOT of follies (most of which were empty.. but anyhoo); after the transfer, she said that she would start me slightly lower this cycle, I think she said 200iu then, but I am okay with 150 as well. It may mean longer than a week stimming, but slower will hopefully mean better quality. Of course, me being me, I will worry that perhaps 150 will be TOO low, at least until the first scan.

So, now we wait for a period. I actually feel PMTish but don't know if this one will arrive on its own, pretty rare for me. Usually get the one at the end of a cycle and one after and then loooong cycles again. I'll take some primolut if I need to (you take that drug for 5 days, then when you withdraw from it, you get a period). See how the next few days pan out. I feel sick with excitement and nerves.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

T Minus 3 weeks and counting...

About 3 weeks to go until we commence cycle 2 of IVF. Unfortunately, we had no frosties (frozen embryos) from last cycle, so we are starting from scratch this time again. That means more $$ and EPU all over again. At least this time we are doing a flare cycle and not a down regulated one (which means 4-6 weeks as opposed to 6-10 weeks). We are excited, and still hopeful that we may get our much longed for second child, yet.

I have my script here, and as soon as AF starts (first week Feb hopefully); we are away. Bit nervous, but mostly excited. Will ring up and pay the big bucks soon so that we can have the script filled and the medications is then here ready to go when my period starts.

Need to call nurses day 1 of cycle, and I think start synarel right away. Will find out I suppose! The good part about starting so early is that we will hit the medicare safety net immediately, and subsequent cycles (not to mention any other medical costs for the year) will then be far cheaper. So the earlier the better really.

Just adding some interesting research from as recently as October last year (about when I underwent the acupuncture for last cycle actually!) - new research says its NOT a good idea. Who bloody knows anymore! Read the article here.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Secondary infertility

I just wanted to blog about how difficult I find certain aspects of secondary infertility. Obviously, this means we have a child, but are unable to conceive again. Our son is 4, and was conceived on level one of AC: the drug clomid. It took us 2.5 years on and off treatment etc. When he was just 5 months old we started trying again, anticipating the same thing again. But its worse. We took time off assisted conception, and decided we'd just enjoy our one, but then felt ready to return.

The problem is, I feel like I don't fit anywhere. I don't know where to find true support sometimes. I have many friends with infertility problems - its the best things about infertility (oxymoron!?) the people it has brought into my life. Thing is, I often feel like I need to restrict myself and my grumblings because hey, I have a child, so what the hell am I whinging about, right?

I mean, would I think that in their shoes? Probably. Did I? No, because I was still at the naive ttc stage pre-Finn and convinced I would be pregnant soon... Now though, if not for Finn I would probably feel like that. Its so hard to explain how secondary infertility is. I can do it here, because I don't have to censor myself. People don't HAVE to read it. Its not addressed to anyone in any particular situation. I should make it clear, no one has ever given me need to feel I need to censor or that they don't understand it. I have had nothing but overwhelming support and encouragement. It is simply my own paranoia and worry about how it might be perceived that makes me hesitate about it all.

For me, secondary infertility is harder than the first time around (obviously, since this has been far longer and more involved); but becoming a mother was the best thing I have ever done. It fulfilled me. In the past, I would never have said I was overly maternal, but its the first thing I ever felt naturally good at. I felt like even though other peoples kids generally shit me to tears and bore me for the most part... this was made for me. I was made for this! And I desperately wanted more of it, I wanted to give more, to get more, to just experience more! And the love I have for this boy of mine, is out of this world. So, I want to give him everything. I want him to have everything. To not have this again, and worse - to not be able to give him a sibling that he wants, is a pain that shatters my heart. I can't say any of that to people with primary infertility! How insensitive it would be to drone on like that about how motherhood has been for me and therefore how much it pains me not to have more. Again, I feel my own restriction of shut-up and be grateful.

In fact, I have been told that by people! That I ought to be grateful for the one I have not harp on about having another. Which is actually really funny, because its BECAUSE I am grateful that I am like this! Its because its so great, because I delight in it so fully that makes not having more so painful. Some people don't get that. Its not an easy thing to understand. It really IS hard, and I wish that I didn't feel this self imposed censorship about it a lot of the time.

I don't know if we will ever have another child. J and I said that we would give it 12 months of our all. 12 months of doing everything we can to achieve it and if it doesn't happen, then we will put the idea aside for good. I feel peace with that, and I know that if that is the case, life will still be wonderful and I am so lucky, so incredibly blessed to have Finn. I thank my lucky stars every day for him, and I appreciate so fully, every single day. I think that is a blessing in itself, I don't think all parents do so.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Brief update

With overspending at Xmas and so on, it looks like we won't be able to save the next lot til March. We'll see.

I got a period 23rd November, and again Dec 25 (yep, Merry xmas!) though this one is a light and drawn out one as opposed to heavy and fast. I will ring MIVF tomorrow and fill them in and confirm that from now on we will be doing flare not down reg cycles, and also let them know we will be wanting to book in for a cycle in Feb/March.

I had a meltdown/cry/howl when my period arrived from last cycle, and then a few days later was fine and have been since. I am more annoyed at having to spend the money on it at the moment, and miss out on other things I would like to spend it on. But, this is our decision and god if it works it will be so worth it, I am just finding it hard to have faith. Especially with last cycles crap eggs and no frozens, I am nervous. I want to get started again so I can stop overthinking it all.

I certainly was able to switch off from it all over xmas/new year which has been surprising (for me!) and great. Its only now with this period that I am like ok, lets get this going again ASAP.

Hoping to scrape up the cash to start next period (first week Feb); but otherwise March. We have to pay Finns expensive school fees first, then save like mad.