Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Baseless (?) Fear and Worry

I have nothing that I ought to be worried about. No bleeding or unusual pain. I have mild morning sickness, I am dog tired, and am emotional. My HPT sticks have gotten progressively darker. I am 5 weeks and 5 days today.

And yet, I have this fear that continually threatens to take over my mind. I am utterly terrified. Its still 5 days until we have our scan, and it has been a long, long, 2 and a half weeks since I got that first positive HPT. If I try to tune into my instincts, they feel good, I feel okay... but its so difficult to do.

The way I describe it is, if you have been told "NO" repeatedly and definitely on a regular basis for four years, and then suddenly that voice says YES, it is extremely difficult to believe they mean it. Its really hard not to expect negative, to expect to be told oh no our mistake... To hear NO again. NO is what I am used to. To trust in the yes, is like jumping of a cliff. It requires faith I just don't have. I am petrified of getting to the scan and hearing bad news. I don't think it will happen - but it might.

And even beyond that, I know I will still be this way until 12 weeks. Maybe forever. It is just so scary. I don't post anywhere, because I feel I am tempting fate. With my first child, many other things were going on in my life, and I didn't really feel this way to the same extent - we had only tried 2 years then anyway. I wanted to do it again, to enjoy it without those other scary things going on, and I am finding it is not going to be that way still, because now, I have this fear instead. This terror. Do people really just do one HPT and then not have a scan until 12 weeks?! Seriously? I think I have done over 20 tests, 2 blood tests and am sweating on the scan. God this fear, I am not strong enough to put it aside and say Que Sera... I know I cant change it, if thats whats written in the stars, but I am struggling a lot with this "new" way of thinking. With the belief that this could be truly real. I want it so badly, I am so scared of it being ripped away.


Anonymous said...

Baseless or not...the fear is real! And enough of us can vouch for what it is like to have 20 htps lined up next to each other and dated to asses the darkness of the lines. I envy those who don't worry. I worried constantly w/ my pg w/ the twins. I rented a doppler, that eventually helped. But until then I was a mess. I'm thinking of you...keep breathing.

judy said...

This is so very normal..waiting for the other shoe to drop. Try to have faith and if needed keep peeing on sticks. I am thinking about you and keeping hope alive.

Susan said...

Congratulations on great Beta numbers! I know how difficult this time is for you. I'm keeping you in my prayers.

Kirsten said...

This makes perfect sense to me Kelly. I think I did about 5 or 6 pregnancy tests with Kaely and worried every time I looked at the toilet paper (could that be a spot?) for at least the first 20 weeks. And that was after only 17 months of trying and one miscarriage. I can't even imagine how much harder and scarier it would be for you.

littleangelkisses said...

The fear is normal.

Congrats btw. I"m thinking of you.