Hallelujah!!!

Took the last of the clomid today!!! Hurrah!!!! Oh how I despise that rotten drug. The moods, the emotions, the hot flushes. Hideous. Not feeling it at all in terms of soreness in the ovary region, last fsh shot tomorrow before scan Wednesday morning. Here is hoping things go a little more to plan this time. I hate the waiting and wondering.

IVF Junkie part 3

Shooting up has commenced again. It may be normal after a canceled cycle, but I am feeling pretty negative this time, compared to the start of the last 2 cycles. I just think well I wonder what will go wrong this time? We've had an overstim, we've had an understim, what next? So much can go wrong, I just feel depressed. Getting to the stage of getting some embies transferred back is really not at all straight forward or a given. It's a hard fought battle. Can't Gil get a lick??

So, we wait. And we wait and we wait and we wait. Scan next Wednesday is not overly helpful. Both previous times it has shown 10+ more follicles than have been there at subsequent scans. many tend to die off post 10mm (ish). So, the second scan is far more useful to us. Thats a good week or so away yet.

So begins the injections, drinking loads of water and walking every night. Add clomid into the mix and we have a REAL party. Woo fricken hoo!

Bitter old cynic aren't I?

Cycle 3 away!

So just on the fees, I had told my folks about it, had a whinge, but said we'd work it out okay. I got a call the next morning from my beautiful 80 year old grandmother, she had been talking to my Dad and was calling to tell me a cheque was in the mail to help us out. I promptly burst into tears of gratitude. What a generous, kind thing to do.

Meanwhile, also yesterday morning, I began spotting. 9 day LP, go me!!! Pathetic. So, today we're full force, and I am waiting for the nurses to call me back and confirm all systems are go. I get nervous waiting for this call, because whilst it seems in theory, to be a routine thing, in practice they did forget to schedule my down reg! So, until it is confirmed things are underway, I get touchy and nervous. Ring, damn you, RING!



30 minutes later...

100mg clomid for 5 days starting Thursday.
200iu puregon for 5 days starting Friday.
First scan next Wednesday morning, 9am.

I feel sick with nerves after the cancelled cycle. Here we go again...

AC is like a tightrope walk

I was due to ovulate between 9 and 10pm last night, but was woken by pain at about 3am, so wonder if I was a little late. Who knows? We gave it a shot the old fashioned way, but we have no faith in that at all. Why would it work now? So, my period should arrive in 11-12 days now with my crap luteal phase, thats about the 27th or 28th Feb.

Then we’ll start Clomid on day 3 (100mg for 5 days) and the injections again on day 4 (200iu for 5 days). Scan will be day 9. When we get some growth happening, we'll also start the antagonist injections. Sounds like a jabby kind of cycle. No synarel, the antagonist needles take its place. I really don't understand still, the differences in protocols in terms of why one would be used over another and what each is best suited to or aimed to do. There is none that will suit me ideally, just hope we strike it lucky. From what I understand, clomid is used in conjunction with the FSH in an attempt to grow more and better quality follies/eggs. And the antag is also supposed to be better in terms of quality over quantity. But I have NO idea, really. If anyone else has a better grip on this stuff, please fill me in.

Honestly discouraged is not even the beginning of how I feel. The odds are stacked so greatly against us, its hard not to wonder if this is truly just not meant to be. We said we would give this at least 12 months of honest to goodness hardcore trying though, and we are not yet near that.

It feels to me sometimes, as though I am walking on a tightrope. Battling on and trying to keep balanced and not lose perspective. Not to overthink, just to keep head down, and watch my feet take each step. No looking up into the future, its too hard that way. Looking up and ahead is distracting and full of hurdles that may or may not come to pass. Whenever I gain confidence or momentum, something happens to slow me down and remind me I am not infallible, and possibly, should never have stepped out on the highwire to begin with. Slow and steady will see us reach the other side, in theory. But at any moment, we could fall and end the attempt altogether.


P.S. Have added a sidebar list of our history of trying to conceive. It is actually a bit depressing to read laid out like that.