IVF Junkie part 3

Shooting up has commenced again. It may be normal after a canceled cycle, but I am feeling pretty negative this time, compared to the start of the last 2 cycles. I just think well I wonder what will go wrong this time? We've had an overstim, we've had an understim, what next? So much can go wrong, I just feel depressed. Getting to the stage of getting some embies transferred back is really not at all straight forward or a given. It's a hard fought battle. Can't Gil get a lick??

So, we wait. And we wait and we wait and we wait. Scan next Wednesday is not overly helpful. Both previous times it has shown 10+ more follicles than have been there at subsequent scans. many tend to die off post 10mm (ish). So, the second scan is far more useful to us. Thats a good week or so away yet.

So begins the injections, drinking loads of water and walking every night. Add clomid into the mix and we have a REAL party. Woo fricken hoo!

Bitter old cynic aren't I?

Cancelled

No more growth, cycle cancelled. Wait for another period and start again with an antagonist protocol.

I worked so frigging hard. Nothing. Its hard, it hurts and I am fucking angry. Not at anyone or anything, just at how hard it has to be and how much self loathing I have. Fucked off.

The 'Semi-Go ahead.'

The last 2 days have felt longer than the last 2 months. Have been so stressed and worried and certain it was over. Horrible.

Okay, so I have on the right ovary: 15 follicles measuring about 17mm. On the left: 17 follicles measuring around 17-20mm. Ouch!!! Doctor said that IF we went ahead with a retrieval, I might get hyperstim, but it would not be at dangerous levels. She said no transfer though, freeze all - too risky. She asked how did I feel about the prospect of maybe getting ohss and doing retrieval.. or I could cancel there and then.

I said I would go ahead with retrieval. Am shitting myself mind you. Terrified of getting sick, can be quite bad for some people: lots and lots of fluids, rest and protein. So I feel mixed. Enormous relief this has not all been wasted, scared of getting sick and disappointed we won't get to put a fresh embryo back (supposedly far more likely to implant than a thawed).

I think its the right decision tho. If we transferred and it took, then we'd be starting pregnancy in a stressed/worn out body, and that'd be sucky. Plus it'd be hard if I got very sick with ohss - worrying about me, and a fetus AND finn etc... too much. I do feel this is right. Make the most of it and get them out - but then let my body rest and recover before a pregnancy. feels right.

So, onto retrieval Monday, they will call with details of when and where tomorrow.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

I have 20 fricken follis on EACH side. 40 follis. This is NOT good news. :( Dr says 50/50 chance of cancellation. I drop back to 200iu today and tomorrow and rescan Friday morning. If I have more than 30 still, I am cancelled.
If I have 25-30 I will have retrieval but not transfer. etc..

Sigh. No wonder my ovaries fuckin hurt. J is being positive and saying well we know we can get the numbers next time etc etc...

I am trying not to think about it. Worrying wont change it. Just see what happens Friday, but its not looking good at all. Please send me some "halve what you have" vibes.