Stressed much?

9 dpo/EPU and I am clearly feeling the anxiety. The last 2 nights I have had the most horror filled dreams - the first night I was being smothered by evil demons and couldn't breathe or get free or wake up. Last night was a little better, but I was a spy of some sort (that part was sort of cool); except there was much shooting and my sister was used as a decoy and I knew it was fake so said for them to shoot her and then vomited everywhere from having to make such a call and what if it had not been fake etc... Charming eh? I then was showing a home video to a lecture theatre of important people and it began showing me as a fat ugly child - totally humiliating... Clearly I am anxious. Its really only the last day or so I have been consciously aware of that anxiety beginning to make itself at home. I do not feel the slightest iota positive or hopeful. I just want it over now which is a bit horrible to say I suppose.

Next cycles I want assisted hatching. Aside from that, I have no idea what to do to get a better result :( Only a few days to go...

A plethora of beautiful signs

How cool is this... This easter weekend, my embryo is due to burrow into the lining and make itself comfortable for 9 months or so. Or not. Now, on its own, I thought there was some sort of cool symbolism in it being easter and this being the schedule - eggs, new life and all that. This morning, I read this:

"This year, easter coincides with the Spring/Autumn Equinox which is celebrated by pagans. In the Northern hemisphere this year, it is the Spring equinox, known as Ostara, which is about celebrating the Spring - the return of the Sun after winter, new life, new growth, fertility, young love. Easter eggs and bunnies are great for representing these things."

Okay so I am not northern hemisphere but still! LOL
And also this:

"There's also a full moon, which represents a pregnant belly."


Thanks to Katie for the info!! I like all that a lot, if its meant to be, then now would be a cool time. Minor problem this being in the southern hemisphere...

I feel sick (ch ment)

Nauseous as hell, but I think its from the huge progesterone dose I am on, more than it is OHSS. Slight tenderness still, but not too bad now. I am tired, sick and depressed. Its a genuine realisation that this is going to be so much harder than I anticipated. I thought that IVF would address our male factor, and get me ovulating and so work eventually. Now I discover the shiteness of my eggs and its been a real hit. The fact that I am going to have to risk OHSS to get something of quality every ER is a bit scary as well. Its just... depressing. And I know I can hope I never need another, that this will work, and logically, there is a reasonable chance of it working but I feel so negative about it.

Maybe its that because it has been 4 years without a vague notion of working, its hard to believe one little embie will work. I am convinced we will need two to hope ONE sticks... but that looks like it will never happen. Like its either quality and one back because of OHSS risk; or lesser quality and 2 back. Its discouraging. I don't want to do this too many more times. Its painful and horrible.

Again, I feel grateful as hell for the miracle my son is. I never have to face the prospect of childlessness, so can never understand that feeling. I am grateful every moment of every day for that. By the years end, we can move on. We'll be done either way and I look forward to banishing infertility and AC from my life forever.


Thank you for all the supportive comments, it helps a lot.

Transfer

Not great news. Of the 20, only TWO made it. Two!!! I burst into tears. Then they made me decide what I wanted to do. They said they wanted only to do zero or one, but not two unless I was adamant because if 2 took, my ohss could be so bad I would need to abort. It may not, of course, but I needed to know the risks blah blah fucking blah.

I ended up putting one grade 2 (1 best 5 worst quality) back and freezing a grade 3. I am devastated. I cried the whole transfer.

It seems I have to borderline overstim everytime just to have anything to put back, and if they ARE quality, then I will never be allowed put 2 in. Its not fucking fair.

This is all so, so hard. :( I am gutted. Yes I have one back but I have zero faith.


PLEASE NO PITY. I do NOT want to feel like a "poor kel" whatever case. Just not interested.

EPU

20 eggs... thats great, but I am now at risk of hyperstim again and might not transfer at all this cycle. Will be assessed Sun and decide at the time based on how I feel and what we get in terms of viability of any embryos.

I am sore, and flat about that. I also have this pinched nerve type feeling in my right shoulder that is hurting. Not sure what that is but its giving me more grief than the tummy at the moment. See what Sunday brings now...

Trigger

Thank you all so much for the comments and support, as you know, it goes a long way.

Trigger is at 10:50pm tonight, fast from midnight tomorrow night, and OPU is 10:20am Friday. Fingers and toes crossed :)

Goodo!!

So I emailed the Dr about the blip and also about the fact she had planned to prescribe pessaries over crinone gel because of my shite LP. She returned the email promptly saying she would amend my history to reflect ETx2 and will write the prog script at OPU. Wonderful!!!

Also, antag needles HURT. They are thicker than the FSH ones, not fine and painless, oh no! These were needing quite the shove to pierce the skin. Caused tears in the eyes, was glad J was doing it and not me. I'd have hesitated and freaked and muffed it.

Wonder how many of the follicles will grow all the way and not be empty? My goal for this EPU is 6-10 eggs. Fingers crossed. And also, quality - better quality PLEEEEEASE. Trigger tomorrow, not sure what time or where yet, will find out tomorrow when nurses call.