Our baby at 12 weeks

Sorry Judy, for taking my time! lol.

Had the scan this morning, and all is perfect. A beautiful baby, heart rate of 160bpm, measuring right on dates, and with a very thin nuchal fold. Everything was perfect, legs and arms were waving about, and it was magical. We can finally begin to relax and enjoy this miracle, I am so excited now. Its real!

Finn was not overly excited, he said it was great, but was more excited about the celebratory lunch we went out for!

Here is our baby:

Hello :)

Still here, and as far as I know, still pregnant. 11 weeks now, scan next week. Terrified and excited.

I think so far, all of this has felt for both J and myself, like it has all still been part of the IVF process. The fear, anxiety and sickness etc. For us, I think it will actually truly begin after the scan, should all go well. THEN we might relax slightly, and begin to enjoy it. I certainly intend to be more vigilant about letting fears surface than I have been this first 12 weeks (nervous wreck). It will be our last, and we worked hard for it, so I want to enjoy it.

I will update again post scan and, if all goes okay, will then switch back to using my Natsukashii blog again, and retire this one, though I have kept copies of all my posts. Its a hell I won't be forgetting anytime soon, thats for sure.

I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and watching the clock... almost there.

Houston:

WE HAVE A HEARTBEAT!!!!!!!!

I burst into tears of relief on the spot. She was pointing out the sac and yolky thing (!) and I was just thinking yeah yeah can we just find a heartbeat first!? And then there it was. Lovely and strong and baby is measuring spot on for dates. My FS was so lovely and saying how difficult we had had it, and how I never complained or whinged (to her anyway :P ) and that she was truly thrilled for us. Its so surreal, but I kept getting teary all the way home - I really am having a baby!!!!

Baseless (?) Fear and Worry

I have nothing that I ought to be worried about. No bleeding or unusual pain. I have mild morning sickness, I am dog tired, and am emotional. My HPT sticks have gotten progressively darker. I am 5 weeks and 5 days today.

And yet, I have this fear that continually threatens to take over my mind. I am utterly terrified. Its still 5 days until we have our scan, and it has been a long, long, 2 and a half weeks since I got that first positive HPT. If I try to tune into my instincts, they feel good, I feel okay... but its so difficult to do.

The way I describe it is, if you have been told "NO" repeatedly and definitely on a regular basis for four years, and then suddenly that voice says YES, it is extremely difficult to believe they mean it. Its really hard not to expect negative, to expect to be told oh no our mistake... To hear NO again. NO is what I am used to. To trust in the yes, is like jumping of a cliff. It requires faith I just don't have. I am petrified of getting to the scan and hearing bad news. I don't think it will happen - but it might.

And even beyond that, I know I will still be this way until 12 weeks. Maybe forever. It is just so scary. I don't post anywhere, because I feel I am tempting fate. With my first child, many other things were going on in my life, and I didn't really feel this way to the same extent - we had only tried 2 years then anyway. I wanted to do it again, to enjoy it without those other scary things going on, and I am finding it is not going to be that way still, because now, I have this fear instead. This terror. Do people really just do one HPT and then not have a scan until 12 weeks?! Seriously? I think I have done over 20 tests, 2 blood tests and am sweating on the scan. God this fear, I am not strong enough to put it aside and say Que Sera... I know I cant change it, if thats whats written in the stars, but I am struggling a lot with this "new" way of thinking. With the belief that this could be truly real. I want it so badly, I am so scared of it being ripped away.

Distraction...

Time passes slooowwwllllyyyy.... so far so good. This is my hubby and our crazy cat, Keven. With help from Belinda (who gave me the caption as my brain is fried); I LOLcatz'd him!


Enter the Make Ur Lolcat Famous Contest

Beta #2

From 70 at 13dpo, we needed at least 280 today at 17dpo and we have a beautiful 393. progesterone is also good and pessaries can be stopped anytime now. 6w scan is the next massive hurdle, and it is at 1:15pm on Monday 14th April. Pinch me, please don't let this be a dream.

Scared shitless

I have been getting positive tests since Monday (10dpo). ME!!!! I know! Wtf?!?!? Have been crapping myself ever since, had a friend come bearing more tests and watch them come up + with me - a true friend happily inspects your wee sticks. My BT is not until Monday, so I went to my GP today and pleaded my case and she ordered bloods for me. They came back at 70, a good number for 13dpo. I truly feel I am dreaming, could this really happen for ME? I am utterly terrified. I cant stop thinking negative things and then beating myself up for it. people are saying go easy, its a big deal to process after 4 years of never getting close. Its true, but man... I didn't expect to be this scared. So, next bloods Monday, looking for a number of about 280. PLEASE.