Still here, and as far as I know, still pregnant. 11 weeks now, scan next week. Terrified and excited.
I think so far, all of this has felt for both J and myself, like it has all still been part of the IVF process. The fear, anxiety and sickness etc. For us, I think it will actually truly begin after the scan, should all go well. THEN we might relax slightly, and begin to enjoy it. I certainly intend to be more vigilant about letting fears surface than I have been this first 12 weeks (nervous wreck). It will be our last, and we worked hard for it, so I want to enjoy it.
I will update again post scan and, if all goes okay, will then switch back to using my Natsukashii blog again, and retire this one, though I have kept copies of all my posts. Its a hell I won't be forgetting anytime soon, thats for sure.
I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and watching the clock... almost there.
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Friday, May 16, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Baseless (?) Fear and Worry
I have nothing that I ought to be worried about. No bleeding or unusual pain. I have mild morning sickness, I am dog tired, and am emotional. My HPT sticks have gotten progressively darker. I am 5 weeks and 5 days today.
And yet, I have this fear that continually threatens to take over my mind. I am utterly terrified. Its still 5 days until we have our scan, and it has been a long, long, 2 and a half weeks since I got that first positive HPT. If I try to tune into my instincts, they feel good, I feel okay... but its so difficult to do.
The way I describe it is, if you have been told "NO" repeatedly and definitely on a regular basis for four years, and then suddenly that voice says YES, it is extremely difficult to believe they mean it. Its really hard not to expect negative, to expect to be told oh no our mistake... To hear NO again. NO is what I am used to. To trust in the yes, is like jumping of a cliff. It requires faith I just don't have. I am petrified of getting to the scan and hearing bad news. I don't think it will happen - but it might.
And even beyond that, I know I will still be this way until 12 weeks. Maybe forever. It is just so scary. I don't post anywhere, because I feel I am tempting fate. With my first child, many other things were going on in my life, and I didn't really feel this way to the same extent - we had only tried 2 years then anyway. I wanted to do it again, to enjoy it without those other scary things going on, and I am finding it is not going to be that way still, because now, I have this fear instead. This terror. Do people really just do one HPT and then not have a scan until 12 weeks?! Seriously? I think I have done over 20 tests, 2 blood tests and am sweating on the scan. God this fear, I am not strong enough to put it aside and say Que Sera... I know I cant change it, if thats whats written in the stars, but I am struggling a lot with this "new" way of thinking. With the belief that this could be truly real. I want it so badly, I am so scared of it being ripped away.
And yet, I have this fear that continually threatens to take over my mind. I am utterly terrified. Its still 5 days until we have our scan, and it has been a long, long, 2 and a half weeks since I got that first positive HPT. If I try to tune into my instincts, they feel good, I feel okay... but its so difficult to do.
The way I describe it is, if you have been told "NO" repeatedly and definitely on a regular basis for four years, and then suddenly that voice says YES, it is extremely difficult to believe they mean it. Its really hard not to expect negative, to expect to be told oh no our mistake... To hear NO again. NO is what I am used to. To trust in the yes, is like jumping of a cliff. It requires faith I just don't have. I am petrified of getting to the scan and hearing bad news. I don't think it will happen - but it might.
And even beyond that, I know I will still be this way until 12 weeks. Maybe forever. It is just so scary. I don't post anywhere, because I feel I am tempting fate. With my first child, many other things were going on in my life, and I didn't really feel this way to the same extent - we had only tried 2 years then anyway. I wanted to do it again, to enjoy it without those other scary things going on, and I am finding it is not going to be that way still, because now, I have this fear instead. This terror. Do people really just do one HPT and then not have a scan until 12 weeks?! Seriously? I think I have done over 20 tests, 2 blood tests and am sweating on the scan. God this fear, I am not strong enough to put it aside and say Que Sera... I know I cant change it, if thats whats written in the stars, but I am struggling a lot with this "new" way of thinking. With the belief that this could be truly real. I want it so badly, I am so scared of it being ripped away.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
This is not very much fun
So I made it, just did my #5 injection and that is it now til the scan tomorrow to see what is developing. I am feeling it I have to say. This is the most I have ever had and it could get worse yet.
I feel really irritable and short tempered, teary and tired. My ovaries are a little tender, not sore, just... I am aware of them! I am confident something is going on, I just don't know how much or to what extent. I was reading back over my IUI journals to see my response to injections then, and I felt a little more sore than I am now when I had 5 or so follicles maturing. So, I still expect to have some days ahead of injecting yet.
Find out tomorrow morning I guess. Am shit scared, to be honest. This is a scary part, the balance of dose is tricky. I don't want over and to be cancelled and in pain etc. with OHSS*; nor do I want to go under and be injecting forever and still risk cancellation with too few follicles. I am utterly terrified. Trying not to think too much about it at the moment. Need to distract myself today so it passes quickly.
*OHSS is Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome, and can be really scary and serious requiring hospitalisation and close monitoring. You cna try and keep it at bay by drinking lots of water/gatorade which I am doing, but if its bad enough, it will happen anyway. More info can be found by clicking here.
I feel really irritable and short tempered, teary and tired. My ovaries are a little tender, not sore, just... I am aware of them! I am confident something is going on, I just don't know how much or to what extent. I was reading back over my IUI journals to see my response to injections then, and I felt a little more sore than I am now when I had 5 or so follicles maturing. So, I still expect to have some days ahead of injecting yet.
Find out tomorrow morning I guess. Am shit scared, to be honest. This is a scary part, the balance of dose is tricky. I don't want over and to be cancelled and in pain etc. with OHSS*; nor do I want to go under and be injecting forever and still risk cancellation with too few follicles. I am utterly terrified. Trying not to think too much about it at the moment. Need to distract myself today so it passes quickly.
*OHSS is Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome, and can be really scary and serious requiring hospitalisation and close monitoring. You cna try and keep it at bay by drinking lots of water/gatorade which I am doing, but if its bad enough, it will happen anyway. More info can be found by clicking here.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Are you good at hurdle races? I hope I am.
Feel odd today. Up and down. I am excited, about the prospect of becoming pregnant. I feel confident that this will work for us - in time. Assuming we can remain strong enough to give it a decent try (e.g. 12 months).
Feel absolutely sick with nerves at the scariness ahead though. IVF is basically a series of hurdles you have to get over. Obviously the scheduling was one, though I didn't realise that until it went wrong. From now on, I see the hurdles as thus:
1. Scan on the 25th, needs to show no cysts and thin lining, need to be ready to inject.
IF I am indeed ready to inject the next hurdle is a big one, and one I have real potential at failing.
2. Scan to assess fsh injection affect, i.e. follicle growth. I suspect mine will be slow, and will need longer than the usual one week only. I hope that I do have SOME growth though.
This leads to the next hurdle:
3. Do I have enough follicles EVENTUALLY? Even if slow, will I have a decent number. If not, I could be cancelled and this would be extremely distressing. Any of these hurdles causing us to stumble will be devastating. To not even get the chance... ugh. So, responding effectively.
Assuming I do relatively okay, the next hurdle is OPU.
4. How many eggs are retrieved? We want a decent number. 10 would be brilliant! We only need one to put back, but we want a few to choose the best from, and some may not progress and I would love to have some frozen to avoid another long cycle if this one fails. So number of eggs.
Assuming we pass that hurdle and get a few eggs at least; we then need to:
5. Fertilisation. Need to get them to fertilise, hope that they don;t sit and refuse to socialise with the sperm. Hope like hell they fertilise. Often, many do not. Again, we'd like one beauty to transfer, and a few for the freezer and expect some not to make it any further as well.
After fertilisation, we want:
6. The embryos to continue developing. So cell division, not just not growth... Again, I expect we could lose some here. And it depends what stage of development they reach. The more they grow, the better their chance of sticking. Would love some top grade, beautiful embies. Please.
Assuming this goes ok, we then transfer one and freeze (hopefully) lots more. The final hurdle is the biggest.
7. Implantation. We need any transferred embryo to burrow in and implant into the uterine lining, thereby making us pregnant, as shown by a blood test 2 weeks after transfer.
There are so many chances for failing. It literally makes me feel sick to think about. It will be good to complete one cycle, negative or positive, to tell us whether there are any other issues we didn;t yet know about at the egg quality or fertilisation stage. If not, then we can expect to get there eventually.
I feel exhausted just thinking about it!!! The biggest thing I think, is to get lots of good eggs. If this happens, it makes failing at the latter stages a LITTLE less likely (assuming we've on issues with fertilisation).
So scared.
Feel absolutely sick with nerves at the scariness ahead though. IVF is basically a series of hurdles you have to get over. Obviously the scheduling was one, though I didn't realise that until it went wrong. From now on, I see the hurdles as thus:
1. Scan on the 25th, needs to show no cysts and thin lining, need to be ready to inject.
IF I am indeed ready to inject the next hurdle is a big one, and one I have real potential at failing.
2. Scan to assess fsh injection affect, i.e. follicle growth. I suspect mine will be slow, and will need longer than the usual one week only. I hope that I do have SOME growth though.
This leads to the next hurdle:
3. Do I have enough follicles EVENTUALLY? Even if slow, will I have a decent number. If not, I could be cancelled and this would be extremely distressing. Any of these hurdles causing us to stumble will be devastating. To not even get the chance... ugh. So, responding effectively.
Assuming I do relatively okay, the next hurdle is OPU.
4. How many eggs are retrieved? We want a decent number. 10 would be brilliant! We only need one to put back, but we want a few to choose the best from, and some may not progress and I would love to have some frozen to avoid another long cycle if this one fails. So number of eggs.
Assuming we pass that hurdle and get a few eggs at least; we then need to:
5. Fertilisation. Need to get them to fertilise, hope that they don;t sit and refuse to socialise with the sperm. Hope like hell they fertilise. Often, many do not. Again, we'd like one beauty to transfer, and a few for the freezer and expect some not to make it any further as well.
After fertilisation, we want:
6. The embryos to continue developing. So cell division, not just not growth... Again, I expect we could lose some here. And it depends what stage of development they reach. The more they grow, the better their chance of sticking. Would love some top grade, beautiful embies. Please.
Assuming this goes ok, we then transfer one and freeze (hopefully) lots more. The final hurdle is the biggest.
7. Implantation. We need any transferred embryo to burrow in and implant into the uterine lining, thereby making us pregnant, as shown by a blood test 2 weeks after transfer.
There are so many chances for failing. It literally makes me feel sick to think about. It will be good to complete one cycle, negative or positive, to tell us whether there are any other issues we didn;t yet know about at the egg quality or fertilisation stage. If not, then we can expect to get there eventually.
I feel exhausted just thinking about it!!! The biggest thing I think, is to get lots of good eggs. If this happens, it makes failing at the latter stages a LITTLE less likely (assuming we've on issues with fertilisation).
So scared.
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