Our baby at 12 weeks

Sorry Judy, for taking my time! lol.

Had the scan this morning, and all is perfect. A beautiful baby, heart rate of 160bpm, measuring right on dates, and with a very thin nuchal fold. Everything was perfect, legs and arms were waving about, and it was magical. We can finally begin to relax and enjoy this miracle, I am so excited now. Its real!

Finn was not overly excited, he said it was great, but was more excited about the celebratory lunch we went out for!

Here is our baby:

Hello :)

Still here, and as far as I know, still pregnant. 11 weeks now, scan next week. Terrified and excited.

I think so far, all of this has felt for both J and myself, like it has all still been part of the IVF process. The fear, anxiety and sickness etc. For us, I think it will actually truly begin after the scan, should all go well. THEN we might relax slightly, and begin to enjoy it. I certainly intend to be more vigilant about letting fears surface than I have been this first 12 weeks (nervous wreck). It will be our last, and we worked hard for it, so I want to enjoy it.

I will update again post scan and, if all goes okay, will then switch back to using my Natsukashii blog again, and retire this one, though I have kept copies of all my posts. Its a hell I won't be forgetting anytime soon, thats for sure.

I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and watching the clock... almost there.

Houston:

WE HAVE A HEARTBEAT!!!!!!!!

I burst into tears of relief on the spot. She was pointing out the sac and yolky thing (!) and I was just thinking yeah yeah can we just find a heartbeat first!? And then there it was. Lovely and strong and baby is measuring spot on for dates. My FS was so lovely and saying how difficult we had had it, and how I never complained or whinged (to her anyway :P ) and that she was truly thrilled for us. Its so surreal, but I kept getting teary all the way home - I really am having a baby!!!!

Beta #2

From 70 at 13dpo, we needed at least 280 today at 17dpo and we have a beautiful 393. progesterone is also good and pessaries can be stopped anytime now. 6w scan is the next massive hurdle, and it is at 1:15pm on Monday 14th April. Pinch me, please don't let this be a dream.

Third Scan

I almost fell to a puddle right there on the RE room floor. WE HAVE GROWTH!!!!!!! 13 on the right and 9 on the left all 11-16mm. Can you believe it?! I sure couldn't! So, I had blood taken to check if I had started to surge yet or not, and was called to say all is fine, so its atag tonight, puregon tomorrow and antag again tomorrow night then trigger Wednesday and EPU Friday.

Only blip was they had circled 1 to transfer when we want to transfer 2 as agreed on cancelled cycle so have emailed the Dr about that.. I also forgot to collect my trigger meds! I thought I had them, but I only had the needles. D'oh! Don't need it til Wednesday though, so will get J to grab it tomorrow. The antag only cost me $162 as well, so that was fine.

So.. awaiting further instructions on Wednesday...

Nerves

Its 630am, I cant sleep. Scan is at 10am. I have tenderness on the left (usually the dudd side) and nothing on the right. Nada. I am 99% sure it won't be a good result today. I am not sure how I will cope with a second cancellation, should that be the case. Certainly, I will be considering changing Doctor's if that happens. If I have to call my husband again with bad news... hear that disappointment in his voice.. its awful. I was sorer 2 days ago than I am today, but bloods said I hadn't ovulated so I guess whatever happened in there didn't continue. I could be wrong, but my gut feeling is that today will bring bad news. I am so scared. :(

Second scan

Right side NO growth. Left side NO growth, but 4 more. 10 each side, nothing beyond 10.5mm or so.

Up dose. Back mon. I'm thinking this cycles a bust already. If we are struggling already at this stage, we're fucked. To get to EPU is so hard, then we get shit # of eggs and shit quality. Whats the fucking point? Its costing us a fortune, taking forever, and I dont know if its bad management, bad luck or wtf is going on.

Its not fair. We are good parents, its not fair that crack whores and smug fucks get utd and have everything go as they want. Its fucked up and I am so over it.

Also, I have to go all the way in to the city Sunday as well for a precautionary blood test to make sure i dont need to start the antag sooner. They say they cant pump the dose too much or Ill grow more but none will grow further or they will be shite or something.

First Scan

Nothing earth shattering: right side has 10-12 follies approx 10mm each, left side has 6 approx 10mm.

Problem is, often they stop growing much beyond 10 and die off, so nothing too exciting there yet. Dr said normally she might worry about so many on the right and drop dose but because its me.. keep dose the same.

Because this is an antagonist cycle, when follies start to reach about 14mm, they start the antag medications (the exxy ones!) so she cant leave it the long weekend to rescan, so I am back there Friday for another scan to see how they are going. I will probably still stim past then, though. I will possibly start those injections (in place of synarel, can help quality), on Sunday or Monday, may need a blood test Sunday to check that (and I may need to drive miles to do that on a Sunday, work that out when we see whats going on Friday).

Problem is if I start them too late I could ovulate and be cancelled AGAIN so we do have to err on caution, hence early 2nd scan and bloods and stuffing around. So we wait and see what happens and how many grow between now and Friday. She seemed happy with the progress, but I think thought they might be bigger by now. Going on past scans, I tend to lose about 10 follies between now and next, so hopefully I will still have 7 or so for EPU. Its going to be a long 2 days... Second scan is booked for Friday 945am, nice that its slightly later, will mean less traffic going in, but still need Mum back since Finn has Fridays off. So lucky to have her!

Glad I don't have too long to wait, its a nervous time this part. Hard not to overthink. I feel sick with worry, to be honest.

Hallelujah!!!

Took the last of the clomid today!!! Hurrah!!!! Oh how I despise that rotten drug. The moods, the emotions, the hot flushes. Hideous. Not feeling it at all in terms of soreness in the ovary region, last fsh shot tomorrow before scan Wednesday morning. Here is hoping things go a little more to plan this time. I hate the waiting and wondering.

IVF Junkie part 3

Shooting up has commenced again. It may be normal after a canceled cycle, but I am feeling pretty negative this time, compared to the start of the last 2 cycles. I just think well I wonder what will go wrong this time? We've had an overstim, we've had an understim, what next? So much can go wrong, I just feel depressed. Getting to the stage of getting some embies transferred back is really not at all straight forward or a given. It's a hard fought battle. Can't Gil get a lick??

So, we wait. And we wait and we wait and we wait. Scan next Wednesday is not overly helpful. Both previous times it has shown 10+ more follicles than have been there at subsequent scans. many tend to die off post 10mm (ish). So, the second scan is far more useful to us. Thats a good week or so away yet.

So begins the injections, drinking loads of water and walking every night. Add clomid into the mix and we have a REAL party. Woo fricken hoo!

Bitter old cynic aren't I?

Cycle 3 away!

So just on the fees, I had told my folks about it, had a whinge, but said we'd work it out okay. I got a call the next morning from my beautiful 80 year old grandmother, she had been talking to my Dad and was calling to tell me a cheque was in the mail to help us out. I promptly burst into tears of gratitude. What a generous, kind thing to do.

Meanwhile, also yesterday morning, I began spotting. 9 day LP, go me!!! Pathetic. So, today we're full force, and I am waiting for the nurses to call me back and confirm all systems are go. I get nervous waiting for this call, because whilst it seems in theory, to be a routine thing, in practice they did forget to schedule my down reg! So, until it is confirmed things are underway, I get touchy and nervous. Ring, damn you, RING!



30 minutes later...

100mg clomid for 5 days starting Thursday.
200iu puregon for 5 days starting Friday.
First scan next Wednesday morning, 9am.

I feel sick with nerves after the cancelled cycle. Here we go again...

Nothing ever is easy

Not a great scan. Left side have gone backwards in growth, and right I had 2 x 14mm, 1 x 13mm and some smallish nothingy ones. Upped dose from 150 to 200iu for 3 more days, rescan Friday. Need more to happen or EPU won't go ahead. Can;t think about it til Friday, too many what ifs. Feeling pretty flat and dejected. FS said I have "hardcore PCOS" in that my ovaries are totally unpredictable in whether they will over under or respond the same each time. Woot for me. I hate my ovaries. I feel so guilty, angry and depressed. Oh well. Worry about it Friday I suppose.

Day 1 ahoy!

We're off! Today is day 1 of my cycle and I have called the clinic and ensured all is set to go, and it is. I start sniffing synarel tomorrow, one in the morning, one at night. Then I begin 150iu injections on Sunday and have a scan Friday morning. Booked the scan in, and now we are away.

My only niggling concern is I thought I started injections tomorrow, but definitely Sunday, so thats only 5 days worth by scan and the script was for 6 days. She was pretty clear though, so I do as I am told!

So finally, we're off. Here we go...

This is not very much fun

So I made it, just did my #5 injection and that is it now til the scan tomorrow to see what is developing. I am feeling it I have to say. This is the most I have ever had and it could get worse yet.

I feel really irritable and short tempered, teary and tired. My ovaries are a little tender, not sore, just... I am aware of them! I am confident something is going on, I just don't know how much or to what extent. I was reading back over my IUI journals to see my response to injections then, and I felt a little more sore than I am now when I had 5 or so follicles maturing. So, I still expect to have some days ahead of injecting yet.

Find out tomorrow morning I guess. Am shit scared, to be honest. This is a scary part, the balance of dose is tricky. I don't want over and to be cancelled and in pain etc. with OHSS*; nor do I want to go under and be injecting forever and still risk cancellation with too few follicles. I am utterly terrified. Trying not to think too much about it at the moment. Need to distract myself today so it passes quickly.



*OHSS is Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome, and can be really scary and serious requiring hospitalisation and close monitoring. You cna try and keep it at bay by drinking lots of water/gatorade which I am doing, but if its bad enough, it will happen anyway. More info can be found by clicking here.

Waiting...

Still waiting. Still sniffing. The double dose is giving me awful headaches. Its a known side effect of synarel, and the single dose was not too bad, but definitely notice it now. Sharp, horrid ones.

On the plus side, my period is STILL lingering, which now has my hopes up that Thursdays scan will give me the go ahead. Who knows though, I clearly don't!!

No deal.

It was every bit as mortifying as I thought. Actually, it was much worse. Horrible.

Lining too thick still. Double sniffing dugs and come back in a week. If no go, more pills to get ANOTHER period and come back in another 2 weeks.

So 1-3 weeks delay. Pissed off. Could have been with my boy on a fun day out but no, I had to do this. The Dr, the nurse and the pharmacist were all very nice, couldn't fault the service at all. Lots of waiting (over an hour all up); but oh well. Its hard to do this. Hard to drive all the way in, wait... no outcome.. do it all again next week. Its hard.

Shitful. Oh well. Not much I can do or say really is there?!

Ow ow ow ow ow!

I so shouldn't have raved on about my period. Its gotten gradually worse the last 24 hours and is now very painful and rather heavy. Doubt it will be light, let alone gone, by Thursday. How degrading. Oh well. Am sure I am not the first. Hopefully I will be ready for FSH. PLEEEEEAAASSEEEE.

I chose my Doctor well

I really, really, really do like my FS. She answered my email promptly as always, and said we can discuss the dose at the scan, and that she is happy to adjust it upwards. The relief is enormous! This is very, very, good news.

My period is still AWOL, no idea what is going on there. Just have to see what happens at the scan. The problem may be that if I don't get a decent period my lining may not be thin enough to start injections. Nothing I can do about it. It is really hard - and completely against my nature - to go with the flow and relax about whats going on. I am doing better at the moment, but its taking a concerted effort.

Anyway, Thursday will be telling. Nervous as hell.


Feel very stressed and tense today. Sort of feel alone too, even though I know there are people who care and will listen. I just feel weird. :(

Hurrah!

Today is a wonderful day! It is the "take last pill today" day! Kaloo kalay! Have I ever been so excited at the prospect of a period? I don't think so! Cannot wait to get off these horrid things. So from now on its just sniffing synarel for a week, scan next Thursday (changed to 10:45am).

Speaking of which, yesterday I paid the difference between a Stim cycle and an ICSI cycle and then called the nurses to sort out picking up the injection because the information book says to organise it in advance to avoid delay. Honestly, so far they're badly lacking in the impressive stakes. We had this conversation:

Me: When do I pick up the meds etc because I have my down reg scan next week.

Nurse: You'll have a script.

Me: I don't have a script, should I have?

Nurse (in a voice that clearly shows she thinks I am lacking brain cells): No you get it from your doctor at your scan.

Me: Oh ok. And erm.. then what do I do with that? Do I take it to a chemist?

Nurse (now sounding like I am from another planet for not knowing the drill): No, you bring it in to us, and we do it all here.

Me: oh ok. And so do I need an appointment for that or?

Nurse (almost shitty now): No, its just routine, you come here after your scan.

Me: Well no one told me that.

Nurse (now feeling chastised and even more pissed as a result): Right, well thats how it works.

Fond farewells etc. (pfft).



So really, not too impressed with them so far to be honest! They've a lot of ground to make up and so far none has been made up at all. Oh well. Long as they get it right on the day...