Hello :)

Still here, and as far as I know, still pregnant. 11 weeks now, scan next week. Terrified and excited.

I think so far, all of this has felt for both J and myself, like it has all still been part of the IVF process. The fear, anxiety and sickness etc. For us, I think it will actually truly begin after the scan, should all go well. THEN we might relax slightly, and begin to enjoy it. I certainly intend to be more vigilant about letting fears surface than I have been this first 12 weeks (nervous wreck). It will be our last, and we worked hard for it, so I want to enjoy it.

I will update again post scan and, if all goes okay, will then switch back to using my Natsukashii blog again, and retire this one, though I have kept copies of all my posts. Its a hell I won't be forgetting anytime soon, thats for sure.

I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and watching the clock... almost there.

Baseless (?) Fear and Worry

I have nothing that I ought to be worried about. No bleeding or unusual pain. I have mild morning sickness, I am dog tired, and am emotional. My HPT sticks have gotten progressively darker. I am 5 weeks and 5 days today.

And yet, I have this fear that continually threatens to take over my mind. I am utterly terrified. Its still 5 days until we have our scan, and it has been a long, long, 2 and a half weeks since I got that first positive HPT. If I try to tune into my instincts, they feel good, I feel okay... but its so difficult to do.

The way I describe it is, if you have been told "NO" repeatedly and definitely on a regular basis for four years, and then suddenly that voice says YES, it is extremely difficult to believe they mean it. Its really hard not to expect negative, to expect to be told oh no our mistake... To hear NO again. NO is what I am used to. To trust in the yes, is like jumping of a cliff. It requires faith I just don't have. I am petrified of getting to the scan and hearing bad news. I don't think it will happen - but it might.

And even beyond that, I know I will still be this way until 12 weeks. Maybe forever. It is just so scary. I don't post anywhere, because I feel I am tempting fate. With my first child, many other things were going on in my life, and I didn't really feel this way to the same extent - we had only tried 2 years then anyway. I wanted to do it again, to enjoy it without those other scary things going on, and I am finding it is not going to be that way still, because now, I have this fear instead. This terror. Do people really just do one HPT and then not have a scan until 12 weeks?! Seriously? I think I have done over 20 tests, 2 blood tests and am sweating on the scan. God this fear, I am not strong enough to put it aside and say Que Sera... I know I cant change it, if thats whats written in the stars, but I am struggling a lot with this "new" way of thinking. With the belief that this could be truly real. I want it so badly, I am so scared of it being ripped away.

Stressed much?

9 dpo/EPU and I am clearly feeling the anxiety. The last 2 nights I have had the most horror filled dreams - the first night I was being smothered by evil demons and couldn't breathe or get free or wake up. Last night was a little better, but I was a spy of some sort (that part was sort of cool); except there was much shooting and my sister was used as a decoy and I knew it was fake so said for them to shoot her and then vomited everywhere from having to make such a call and what if it had not been fake etc... Charming eh? I then was showing a home video to a lecture theatre of important people and it began showing me as a fat ugly child - totally humiliating... Clearly I am anxious. Its really only the last day or so I have been consciously aware of that anxiety beginning to make itself at home. I do not feel the slightest iota positive or hopeful. I just want it over now which is a bit horrible to say I suppose.

Next cycles I want assisted hatching. Aside from that, I have no idea what to do to get a better result :( Only a few days to go...

A plethora of beautiful signs

How cool is this... This easter weekend, my embryo is due to burrow into the lining and make itself comfortable for 9 months or so. Or not. Now, on its own, I thought there was some sort of cool symbolism in it being easter and this being the schedule - eggs, new life and all that. This morning, I read this:

"This year, easter coincides with the Spring/Autumn Equinox which is celebrated by pagans. In the Northern hemisphere this year, it is the Spring equinox, known as Ostara, which is about celebrating the Spring - the return of the Sun after winter, new life, new growth, fertility, young love. Easter eggs and bunnies are great for representing these things."

Okay so I am not northern hemisphere but still! LOL
And also this:

"There's also a full moon, which represents a pregnant belly."


Thanks to Katie for the info!! I like all that a lot, if its meant to be, then now would be a cool time. Minor problem this being in the southern hemisphere...

Nerves

Its 630am, I cant sleep. Scan is at 10am. I have tenderness on the left (usually the dudd side) and nothing on the right. Nada. I am 99% sure it won't be a good result today. I am not sure how I will cope with a second cancellation, should that be the case. Certainly, I will be considering changing Doctor's if that happens. If I have to call my husband again with bad news... hear that disappointment in his voice.. its awful. I was sorer 2 days ago than I am today, but bloods said I hadn't ovulated so I guess whatever happened in there didn't continue. I could be wrong, but my gut feeling is that today will bring bad news. I am so scared. :(

Bloods

Blood test was good. Left at 630am and drove in while the sun rose and kept taking my eyes off the road to watch the hot air balloons all over Melbourne's sky! Was home by 830am, and had results by 10am. All is as should be, proceed to scan tomorrow... J and I were both visibly relieved. Tomorrow is the big day, though. I feel sick in the stomach whenever I think about it :(

First Scan

Nothing earth shattering: right side has 10-12 follies approx 10mm each, left side has 6 approx 10mm.

Problem is, often they stop growing much beyond 10 and die off, so nothing too exciting there yet. Dr said normally she might worry about so many on the right and drop dose but because its me.. keep dose the same.

Because this is an antagonist cycle, when follies start to reach about 14mm, they start the antag medications (the exxy ones!) so she cant leave it the long weekend to rescan, so I am back there Friday for another scan to see how they are going. I will probably still stim past then, though. I will possibly start those injections (in place of synarel, can help quality), on Sunday or Monday, may need a blood test Sunday to check that (and I may need to drive miles to do that on a Sunday, work that out when we see whats going on Friday).

Problem is if I start them too late I could ovulate and be cancelled AGAIN so we do have to err on caution, hence early 2nd scan and bloods and stuffing around. So we wait and see what happens and how many grow between now and Friday. She seemed happy with the progress, but I think thought they might be bigger by now. Going on past scans, I tend to lose about 10 follies between now and next, so hopefully I will still have 7 or so for EPU. Its going to be a long 2 days... Second scan is booked for Friday 945am, nice that its slightly later, will mean less traffic going in, but still need Mum back since Finn has Fridays off. So lucky to have her!

Glad I don't have too long to wait, its a nervous time this part. Hard not to overthink. I feel sick with worry, to be honest.

Hallelujah!!!

Took the last of the clomid today!!! Hurrah!!!! Oh how I despise that rotten drug. The moods, the emotions, the hot flushes. Hideous. Not feeling it at all in terms of soreness in the ovary region, last fsh shot tomorrow before scan Wednesday morning. Here is hoping things go a little more to plan this time. I hate the waiting and wondering.

IVF Junkie part 3

Shooting up has commenced again. It may be normal after a canceled cycle, but I am feeling pretty negative this time, compared to the start of the last 2 cycles. I just think well I wonder what will go wrong this time? We've had an overstim, we've had an understim, what next? So much can go wrong, I just feel depressed. Getting to the stage of getting some embies transferred back is really not at all straight forward or a given. It's a hard fought battle. Can't Gil get a lick??

So, we wait. And we wait and we wait and we wait. Scan next Wednesday is not overly helpful. Both previous times it has shown 10+ more follicles than have been there at subsequent scans. many tend to die off post 10mm (ish). So, the second scan is far more useful to us. Thats a good week or so away yet.

So begins the injections, drinking loads of water and walking every night. Add clomid into the mix and we have a REAL party. Woo fricken hoo!

Bitter old cynic aren't I?

Are we there yet?

6dpo today, and since my LP is only ever 11 days even with support, I should be back into it this time next week. Unless of course, a true miracle occurs and our natural attempt worked. If that happens, I want to write to the Pope and get it endorsed as a real miracle. I really don't want another period. I HATE having my period and since I normally have 3 month cycles, this regularity (albeit drug induced) is a bit too much!

So I am due for spotting wed 27/thurs 28th. The marking of time in AC freaks me out. At no other time in life do I feel like a week is in each day as I do with AC whether its waiting for a period or a scan, or a retrieval, or transfer or of course the 2ww. Its always soooo sloooooow.

Must get into my writing project so that I can slack off when things get busy with the next cycle without fall out. Sounds so wise and smart, yet I never quite seem to be that organised in truth.

Yawn.

Still waiting... I did however, start primolut. So had I been about to get AF naturally, this will delay it.. but if I had NOT been about to, this will speed it up - a risk I was willing to take, basically. So today is day 4 of it, tomorrow I take the last 2, and then it will take anywhere from 3-11 days for a period to show. From memory, last time I was on this stuff, it took 4 or 5 days.

My puregon is in the fridge, ready to go, and my synarel is here waiting also. Just hinging on the period now so I can call the nurses and be away with it. Bit over the waiting, its all about waiting in assisted conception, it sucks.

Waiting... Again!

Paid our pile of cash to MIVF this morning. Always a strange feeling, but can now get hubby to collect the medicines this week in preparation for day 2 when it arrives. Dr Foster has me starting at 150iu this cycle. Last cycle we did 250iu and it happened hard and fast and I had a LOT of follies (most of which were empty.. but anyhoo); after the transfer, she said that she would start me slightly lower this cycle, I think she said 200iu then, but I am okay with 150 as well. It may mean longer than a week stimming, but slower will hopefully mean better quality. Of course, me being me, I will worry that perhaps 150 will be TOO low, at least until the first scan.

So, now we wait for a period. I actually feel PMTish but don't know if this one will arrive on its own, pretty rare for me. Usually get the one at the end of a cycle and one after and then loooong cycles again. I'll take some primolut if I need to (you take that drug for 5 days, then when you withdraw from it, you get a period). See how the next few days pan out. I feel sick with excitement and nerves.

T Minus 3 weeks and counting...

About 3 weeks to go until we commence cycle 2 of IVF. Unfortunately, we had no frosties (frozen embryos) from last cycle, so we are starting from scratch this time again. That means more $$ and EPU all over again. At least this time we are doing a flare cycle and not a down regulated one (which means 4-6 weeks as opposed to 6-10 weeks). We are excited, and still hopeful that we may get our much longed for second child, yet.

I have my script here, and as soon as AF starts (first week Feb hopefully); we are away. Bit nervous, but mostly excited. Will ring up and pay the big bucks soon so that we can have the script filled and the medications is then here ready to go when my period starts.

Need to call nurses day 1 of cycle, and I think start synarel right away. Will find out I suppose! The good part about starting so early is that we will hit the medicare safety net immediately, and subsequent cycles (not to mention any other medical costs for the year) will then be far cheaper. So the earlier the better really.

Just adding some interesting research from as recently as October last year (about when I underwent the acupuncture for last cycle actually!) - new research says its NOT a good idea. Who bloody knows anymore! Read the article here.

Brief update

With overspending at Xmas and so on, it looks like we won't be able to save the next lot til March. We'll see.

I got a period 23rd November, and again Dec 25 (yep, Merry xmas!) though this one is a light and drawn out one as opposed to heavy and fast. I will ring MIVF tomorrow and fill them in and confirm that from now on we will be doing flare not down reg cycles, and also let them know we will be wanting to book in for a cycle in Feb/March.

I had a meltdown/cry/howl when my period arrived from last cycle, and then a few days later was fine and have been since. I am more annoyed at having to spend the money on it at the moment, and miss out on other things I would like to spend it on. But, this is our decision and god if it works it will be so worth it, I am just finding it hard to have faith. Especially with last cycles crap eggs and no frozens, I am nervous. I want to get started again so I can stop overthinking it all.

I certainly was able to switch off from it all over xmas/new year which has been surprising (for me!) and great. Its only now with this period that I am like ok, lets get this going again ASAP.

Hoping to scrape up the cash to start next period (first week Feb); but otherwise March. We have to pay Finns expensive school fees first, then save like mad.

Consuming thoughts...

Amazing how many times you can google things like :success with low grade embryo's" and "grade 3 embryo" and "day 2 transfer" and get different stories. Sigh. It seems some babies are born from shite embies, and some top grade embies result in failed cycles. So there is no real way of knowing. Though the chances are obviously lower, doesn't mean there is NO chance. So, we wait. And we wait, and we wait, and we wait. Its hard to go from appointments every few days and being very much in go go go mode, to the epu and transfer and pain and watching for OHSS... to now trying to switch it all off and forget about it. Its SO hard not to let ti consume my every waking thought. It is hard when you invest SO much in so many ways, to try and let it go and ce la vie...

Rationally, I have worked out when we will be able to go again (need a cycle off for the recovery, and to get xmas and first terms school fees over with); so probably February... but am glad that we will be on flare cycles now, not down regulated. This means no pill stage. Once I get a period, its straight to the fsh injections, no pill! So instead of 6 weeks+ cycles, it will be 4ish. Means we can easily get through 4 or more cycles by the years end. At which point its crunch time again if we are not successful. I still believe by end next year, we will be. Geez. I have so said that before...

Anyway, I have made those back up plans, and I know that if this is negative, I will be disappointed, and devastated... but I know I will recover eventually, and get back on that horse. In the meantime... we wait.

This is not very much fun

So I made it, just did my #5 injection and that is it now til the scan tomorrow to see what is developing. I am feeling it I have to say. This is the most I have ever had and it could get worse yet.

I feel really irritable and short tempered, teary and tired. My ovaries are a little tender, not sore, just... I am aware of them! I am confident something is going on, I just don't know how much or to what extent. I was reading back over my IUI journals to see my response to injections then, and I felt a little more sore than I am now when I had 5 or so follicles maturing. So, I still expect to have some days ahead of injecting yet.

Find out tomorrow morning I guess. Am shit scared, to be honest. This is a scary part, the balance of dose is tricky. I don't want over and to be cancelled and in pain etc. with OHSS*; nor do I want to go under and be injecting forever and still risk cancellation with too few follicles. I am utterly terrified. Trying not to think too much about it at the moment. Need to distract myself today so it passes quickly.



*OHSS is Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome, and can be really scary and serious requiring hospitalisation and close monitoring. You cna try and keep it at bay by drinking lots of water/gatorade which I am doing, but if its bad enough, it will happen anyway. More info can be found by clicking here.