Houston:

WE HAVE A HEARTBEAT!!!!!!!!

I burst into tears of relief on the spot. She was pointing out the sac and yolky thing (!) and I was just thinking yeah yeah can we just find a heartbeat first!? And then there it was. Lovely and strong and baby is measuring spot on for dates. My FS was so lovely and saying how difficult we had had it, and how I never complained or whinged (to her anyway :P ) and that she was truly thrilled for us. Its so surreal, but I kept getting teary all the way home - I really am having a baby!!!!

Baseless (?) Fear and Worry

I have nothing that I ought to be worried about. No bleeding or unusual pain. I have mild morning sickness, I am dog tired, and am emotional. My HPT sticks have gotten progressively darker. I am 5 weeks and 5 days today.

And yet, I have this fear that continually threatens to take over my mind. I am utterly terrified. Its still 5 days until we have our scan, and it has been a long, long, 2 and a half weeks since I got that first positive HPT. If I try to tune into my instincts, they feel good, I feel okay... but its so difficult to do.

The way I describe it is, if you have been told "NO" repeatedly and definitely on a regular basis for four years, and then suddenly that voice says YES, it is extremely difficult to believe they mean it. Its really hard not to expect negative, to expect to be told oh no our mistake... To hear NO again. NO is what I am used to. To trust in the yes, is like jumping of a cliff. It requires faith I just don't have. I am petrified of getting to the scan and hearing bad news. I don't think it will happen - but it might.

And even beyond that, I know I will still be this way until 12 weeks. Maybe forever. It is just so scary. I don't post anywhere, because I feel I am tempting fate. With my first child, many other things were going on in my life, and I didn't really feel this way to the same extent - we had only tried 2 years then anyway. I wanted to do it again, to enjoy it without those other scary things going on, and I am finding it is not going to be that way still, because now, I have this fear instead. This terror. Do people really just do one HPT and then not have a scan until 12 weeks?! Seriously? I think I have done over 20 tests, 2 blood tests and am sweating on the scan. God this fear, I am not strong enough to put it aside and say Que Sera... I know I cant change it, if thats whats written in the stars, but I am struggling a lot with this "new" way of thinking. With the belief that this could be truly real. I want it so badly, I am so scared of it being ripped away.

Scared shitless

I have been getting positive tests since Monday (10dpo). ME!!!! I know! Wtf?!?!? Have been crapping myself ever since, had a friend come bearing more tests and watch them come up + with me - a true friend happily inspects your wee sticks. My BT is not until Monday, so I went to my GP today and pleaded my case and she ordered bloods for me. They came back at 70, a good number for 13dpo. I truly feel I am dreaming, could this really happen for ME? I am utterly terrified. I cant stop thinking negative things and then beating myself up for it. people are saying go easy, its a big deal to process after 4 years of never getting close. Its true, but man... I didn't expect to be this scared. So, next bloods Monday, looking for a number of about 280. PLEASE.

Stressed much?

9 dpo/EPU and I am clearly feeling the anxiety. The last 2 nights I have had the most horror filled dreams - the first night I was being smothered by evil demons and couldn't breathe or get free or wake up. Last night was a little better, but I was a spy of some sort (that part was sort of cool); except there was much shooting and my sister was used as a decoy and I knew it was fake so said for them to shoot her and then vomited everywhere from having to make such a call and what if it had not been fake etc... Charming eh? I then was showing a home video to a lecture theatre of important people and it began showing me as a fat ugly child - totally humiliating... Clearly I am anxious. Its really only the last day or so I have been consciously aware of that anxiety beginning to make itself at home. I do not feel the slightest iota positive or hopeful. I just want it over now which is a bit horrible to say I suppose.

Next cycles I want assisted hatching. Aside from that, I have no idea what to do to get a better result :( Only a few days to go...

A plethora of beautiful signs

How cool is this... This easter weekend, my embryo is due to burrow into the lining and make itself comfortable for 9 months or so. Or not. Now, on its own, I thought there was some sort of cool symbolism in it being easter and this being the schedule - eggs, new life and all that. This morning, I read this:

"This year, easter coincides with the Spring/Autumn Equinox which is celebrated by pagans. In the Northern hemisphere this year, it is the Spring equinox, known as Ostara, which is about celebrating the Spring - the return of the Sun after winter, new life, new growth, fertility, young love. Easter eggs and bunnies are great for representing these things."

Okay so I am not northern hemisphere but still! LOL
And also this:

"There's also a full moon, which represents a pregnant belly."


Thanks to Katie for the info!! I like all that a lot, if its meant to be, then now would be a cool time. Minor problem this being in the southern hemisphere...

I feel sick (ch ment)

Nauseous as hell, but I think its from the huge progesterone dose I am on, more than it is OHSS. Slight tenderness still, but not too bad now. I am tired, sick and depressed. Its a genuine realisation that this is going to be so much harder than I anticipated. I thought that IVF would address our male factor, and get me ovulating and so work eventually. Now I discover the shiteness of my eggs and its been a real hit. The fact that I am going to have to risk OHSS to get something of quality every ER is a bit scary as well. Its just... depressing. And I know I can hope I never need another, that this will work, and logically, there is a reasonable chance of it working but I feel so negative about it.

Maybe its that because it has been 4 years without a vague notion of working, its hard to believe one little embie will work. I am convinced we will need two to hope ONE sticks... but that looks like it will never happen. Like its either quality and one back because of OHSS risk; or lesser quality and 2 back. Its discouraging. I don't want to do this too many more times. Its painful and horrible.

Again, I feel grateful as hell for the miracle my son is. I never have to face the prospect of childlessness, so can never understand that feeling. I am grateful every moment of every day for that. By the years end, we can move on. We'll be done either way and I look forward to banishing infertility and AC from my life forever.


Thank you for all the supportive comments, it helps a lot.

Transfer

Not great news. Of the 20, only TWO made it. Two!!! I burst into tears. Then they made me decide what I wanted to do. They said they wanted only to do zero or one, but not two unless I was adamant because if 2 took, my ohss could be so bad I would need to abort. It may not, of course, but I needed to know the risks blah blah fucking blah.

I ended up putting one grade 2 (1 best 5 worst quality) back and freezing a grade 3. I am devastated. I cried the whole transfer.

It seems I have to borderline overstim everytime just to have anything to put back, and if they ARE quality, then I will never be allowed put 2 in. Its not fucking fair.

This is all so, so hard. :( I am gutted. Yes I have one back but I have zero faith.


PLEASE NO PITY. I do NOT want to feel like a "poor kel" whatever case. Just not interested.

Third Scan

I almost fell to a puddle right there on the RE room floor. WE HAVE GROWTH!!!!!!! 13 on the right and 9 on the left all 11-16mm. Can you believe it?! I sure couldn't! So, I had blood taken to check if I had started to surge yet or not, and was called to say all is fine, so its atag tonight, puregon tomorrow and antag again tomorrow night then trigger Wednesday and EPU Friday.

Only blip was they had circled 1 to transfer when we want to transfer 2 as agreed on cancelled cycle so have emailed the Dr about that.. I also forgot to collect my trigger meds! I thought I had them, but I only had the needles. D'oh! Don't need it til Wednesday though, so will get J to grab it tomorrow. The antag only cost me $162 as well, so that was fine.

So.. awaiting further instructions on Wednesday...

Nerves

Its 630am, I cant sleep. Scan is at 10am. I have tenderness on the left (usually the dudd side) and nothing on the right. Nada. I am 99% sure it won't be a good result today. I am not sure how I will cope with a second cancellation, should that be the case. Certainly, I will be considering changing Doctor's if that happens. If I have to call my husband again with bad news... hear that disappointment in his voice.. its awful. I was sorer 2 days ago than I am today, but bloods said I hadn't ovulated so I guess whatever happened in there didn't continue. I could be wrong, but my gut feeling is that today will bring bad news. I am so scared. :(

Bloods

Blood test was good. Left at 630am and drove in while the sun rose and kept taking my eyes off the road to watch the hot air balloons all over Melbourne's sky! Was home by 830am, and had results by 10am. All is as should be, proceed to scan tomorrow... J and I were both visibly relieved. Tomorrow is the big day, though. I feel sick in the stomach whenever I think about it :(

Second scan

Right side NO growth. Left side NO growth, but 4 more. 10 each side, nothing beyond 10.5mm or so.

Up dose. Back mon. I'm thinking this cycles a bust already. If we are struggling already at this stage, we're fucked. To get to EPU is so hard, then we get shit # of eggs and shit quality. Whats the fucking point? Its costing us a fortune, taking forever, and I dont know if its bad management, bad luck or wtf is going on.

Its not fair. We are good parents, its not fair that crack whores and smug fucks get utd and have everything go as they want. Its fucked up and I am so over it.

Also, I have to go all the way in to the city Sunday as well for a precautionary blood test to make sure i dont need to start the antag sooner. They say they cant pump the dose too much or Ill grow more but none will grow further or they will be shite or something.

Hallelujah!!!

Took the last of the clomid today!!! Hurrah!!!! Oh how I despise that rotten drug. The moods, the emotions, the hot flushes. Hideous. Not feeling it at all in terms of soreness in the ovary region, last fsh shot tomorrow before scan Wednesday morning. Here is hoping things go a little more to plan this time. I hate the waiting and wondering.

A letter to my body

After reading Melissa's post here about writing a letter to your body, I thought I would give it a go.

Dear Body,

Righteo. Let's have it out. A lot goes on between us that is usually left unsaid, but I think its time we took our heads from the sand and talked it out. For some reason, you are.. well.. slightly defective, let's be honest. But, to be fair, you do okay for the most part. I have no killer diseases, I get sick not too often and to me, thats the main thing. You have the main things covered - and for that I am so deeply grateful.

Its really just that one part of you that is an issue. My friends, the ovaries. Now possibly you skived off when they did the lecture on how you ought to function. Maybe you had your I-pod on, I don't know, but whatever it was, you were not listening, were you? Please listen now!

This poly-cystic thing is no good. For either of us. It may have had a function once - I think I would have done brilliantly in times of famine. Let me be clear when I say to you: There is no famine. Nor is there likely to be in my lifetime. Thank you, for thinking of it, but, we need to readdress that game-plan and quickly.

The self hatred this PCOS has created within me is scary in its depth. The infertility is a painful, horrible thing that causes me to abuse you verbally and physically. It destroys me, and if I am destroyed so too, will you be.

You know what, though? I know we can overcome it. I am certain of it. I just need you guys to co-operate and if you enable me to conceive just one more time, I swear I will leave you alone for good. I'll get back onto metformin and we'll both be much happier. If you just do the job well enough, and have a word to the uterus and hormone levels as well, just to be safe - if you pull that off just once -thats it! Forever! No more being jabbed and stimulated to grow too big and prodded and sworn at. Never again! Doesn't that sound good??? Please, do this one thing for me, the rest of the body is doing its part so well, please join in and pull your weight just one time. I will be eternally grateful to you. Promise.

Your owner. xx



You can do your own, and submit it on this page.

Swinging

No, not that kind!

I was thinking earlier, that whilst I am still very committed to this trying again business, and to at least 4 fresh embie transfers or the end of the year, I find myself contemplating more and more, the idea of it being unsuccessful. I did a lot of thinking about this when we stopped for 2 years and went over it all in my head every which way. But then, it was painful, and terrifying and awful. Now, it doesn't seem as bad. Some moments I still feel sick at the thought, and a deep sadness. Other times, I think whilst Finn adores babies, he would be okay if one never eventuated for us. I think that he is such a special little boy, he has magic about him, and is forever blowing me away with just how awesome he is - that dedicating everything we can to him would be brilliant. Taking him to see the world, giving him a first class education and every opportunity he ever dreams of, would be a wonderful feeling.

If we are successful and some of those things are potentially scaled back here and there, will I just feel I am failing him in a different area then? Is there any win-win situation for him? Its about living in the right now and not the what ifs and maybes. Its so hard to do, but right now, he is it and so we give him the world. If that continues, brilliant! If we have another and he gets that much longed for sibling, brilliant! Maybe its not so much a win win, but maybe.. we actually can't lose?

I am spinning myself out with that. Weird perspective, and one I will need to remind myself of in the face of more IVF hurdles this year. Hmm. Definitely something to ponder.

AC is like a tightrope walk

I was due to ovulate between 9 and 10pm last night, but was woken by pain at about 3am, so wonder if I was a little late. Who knows? We gave it a shot the old fashioned way, but we have no faith in that at all. Why would it work now? So, my period should arrive in 11-12 days now with my crap luteal phase, thats about the 27th or 28th Feb.

Then we’ll start Clomid on day 3 (100mg for 5 days) and the injections again on day 4 (200iu for 5 days). Scan will be day 9. When we get some growth happening, we'll also start the antagonist injections. Sounds like a jabby kind of cycle. No synarel, the antagonist needles take its place. I really don't understand still, the differences in protocols in terms of why one would be used over another and what each is best suited to or aimed to do. There is none that will suit me ideally, just hope we strike it lucky. From what I understand, clomid is used in conjunction with the FSH in an attempt to grow more and better quality follies/eggs. And the antag is also supposed to be better in terms of quality over quantity. But I have NO idea, really. If anyone else has a better grip on this stuff, please fill me in.

Honestly discouraged is not even the beginning of how I feel. The odds are stacked so greatly against us, its hard not to wonder if this is truly just not meant to be. We said we would give this at least 12 months of honest to goodness hardcore trying though, and we are not yet near that.

It feels to me sometimes, as though I am walking on a tightrope. Battling on and trying to keep balanced and not lose perspective. Not to overthink, just to keep head down, and watch my feet take each step. No looking up into the future, its too hard that way. Looking up and ahead is distracting and full of hurdles that may or may not come to pass. Whenever I gain confidence or momentum, something happens to slow me down and remind me I am not infallible, and possibly, should never have stepped out on the highwire to begin with. Slow and steady will see us reach the other side, in theory. But at any moment, we could fall and end the attempt altogether.


P.S. Have added a sidebar list of our history of trying to conceive. It is actually a bit depressing to read laid out like that.

Consuming thoughts...

Amazing how many times you can google things like :success with low grade embryo's" and "grade 3 embryo" and "day 2 transfer" and get different stories. Sigh. It seems some babies are born from shite embies, and some top grade embies result in failed cycles. So there is no real way of knowing. Though the chances are obviously lower, doesn't mean there is NO chance. So, we wait. And we wait, and we wait, and we wait. Its hard to go from appointments every few days and being very much in go go go mode, to the epu and transfer and pain and watching for OHSS... to now trying to switch it all off and forget about it. Its SO hard not to let ti consume my every waking thought. It is hard when you invest SO much in so many ways, to try and let it go and ce la vie...

Rationally, I have worked out when we will be able to go again (need a cycle off for the recovery, and to get xmas and first terms school fees over with); so probably February... but am glad that we will be on flare cycles now, not down regulated. This means no pill stage. Once I get a period, its straight to the fsh injections, no pill! So instead of 6 weeks+ cycles, it will be 4ish. Means we can easily get through 4 or more cycles by the years end. At which point its crunch time again if we are not successful. I still believe by end next year, we will be. Geez. I have so said that before...

Anyway, I have made those back up plans, and I know that if this is negative, I will be disappointed, and devastated... but I know I will recover eventually, and get back on that horse. In the meantime... we wait.

Emotional freakout

Rambling thoughts... Feeling so strange about all of this. Freakin out about going back to treatment. The pill is making me feel a bit nauseous and off; I feel really snappy and tense already too, more from being a bit anxious than anything else though. I am depressed about the only one embie back thing; most people I know that had success on their first cycle of IVF did so with 2 transferred resulting in a singleton pregnancy. I am dubious of success. Bitter and cynical!

Just feel a bit... I don't know what! Maybe because of that negativity, I am not super excited and so I feel I am putting myself through all this with not much belief in it working, at least not the first time around. So, 3 weeks til the next thing happens, and in that time I will try and get lots of uni stuff done so that IVF ramping up and uni assignments due all at once is not too stressful.