Saturday, November 24, 2007

NEGATIVE ***child mentioned***

Bleeding, cramps and a negative wee test. Even on crinone (progesterone) I could only manage 11 days past ovulation. The not knowing was doing my head in, so.. at least I know.

I feel upset. Disappointed. Angry. And I hate myself. I've always hated my body and this gives me more reason to do so... Its letting down me, my husband and my son - all our dreams. All because I am defective. That hurts, and its hard to stand - its inescapabale.

J is ok, disappointed of course. He says its not my fault etc.. of course he does. I still feel it though, rational or not. He also says he is proud of how I am coping, though he missed my tears in the afternoon and again this morning! I guess thats still an improvement on the past.

I was upset yesterday afternoon, and Finn drew me some pictures to comfort me. It was really a bit freaky actually, because there is NO way on earth he could have known why I was upset or what it meant. It was never spoken out loud, so he would have NO idea. Anyway, he drew me the following picture. I wasn;t sure whether to be comforted or feel worse that he may want this and I had failed. Its he and I, and obviously, I am carrying a baby.

Spooky huh? Hes such an intuitive boy. He also drew a picture of me crying, and him holding my hand looking after me. I am so lucky to have this precious child, this amazing boy. Maybe it is greedy to try for more of that. Maybe its just meant to be he and us. Maybe there is no meant to. I dont know. The bottom line is, he is a comfort. Though it does make me want more, because how would I not with one as wonderful as he?! And I feel I let him down, his want for a sibling, and thats an unbearable pain.

Anyway, I intend now, to try and change focus and think about J's birthday, Christmas, etc. We'll try again in Jan/Feb, so this blog might be quietish til then. Thanks for supporting me and reading, and caring. It means a lot.

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