Cancelled

No more growth, cycle cancelled. Wait for another period and start again with an antagonist protocol.

I worked so frigging hard. Nothing. Its hard, it hurts and I am fucking angry. Not at anyone or anything, just at how hard it has to be and how much self loathing I have. Fucked off.

Nothing ever is easy

Not a great scan. Left side have gone backwards in growth, and right I had 2 x 14mm, 1 x 13mm and some smallish nothingy ones. Upped dose from 150 to 200iu for 3 more days, rescan Friday. Need more to happen or EPU won't go ahead. Can;t think about it til Friday, too many what ifs. Feeling pretty flat and dejected. FS said I have "hardcore PCOS" in that my ovaries are totally unpredictable in whether they will over under or respond the same each time. Woot for me. I hate my ovaries. I feel so guilty, angry and depressed. Oh well. Worry about it Friday I suppose.

NEGATIVE ***child mentioned***

Bleeding, cramps and a negative wee test. Even on crinone (progesterone) I could only manage 11 days past ovulation. The not knowing was doing my head in, so.. at least I know.

I feel upset. Disappointed. Angry. And I hate myself. I've always hated my body and this gives me more reason to do so... Its letting down me, my husband and my son - all our dreams. All because I am defective. That hurts, and its hard to stand - its inescapabale.

J is ok, disappointed of course. He says its not my fault etc.. of course he does. I still feel it though, rational or not. He also says he is proud of how I am coping, though he missed my tears in the afternoon and again this morning! I guess thats still an improvement on the past.

I was upset yesterday afternoon, and Finn drew me some pictures to comfort me. It was really a bit freaky actually, because there is NO way on earth he could have known why I was upset or what it meant. It was never spoken out loud, so he would have NO idea. Anyway, he drew me the following picture. I wasn;t sure whether to be comforted or feel worse that he may want this and I had failed. Its he and I, and obviously, I am carrying a baby.



Spooky huh? Hes such an intuitive boy. He also drew a picture of me crying, and him holding my hand looking after me. I am so lucky to have this precious child, this amazing boy. Maybe it is greedy to try for more of that. Maybe its just meant to be he and us. Maybe there is no meant to. I dont know. The bottom line is, he is a comfort. Though it does make me want more, because how would I not with one as wonderful as he?! And I feel I let him down, his want for a sibling, and thats an unbearable pain.

Anyway, I intend now, to try and change focus and think about J's birthday, Christmas, etc. We'll try again in Jan/Feb, so this blog might be quietish til then. Thanks for supporting me and reading, and caring. It means a lot.