No, not that kind!
I was thinking earlier, that whilst I am still very committed to this trying again business, and to at least 4 fresh embie transfers or the end of the year, I find myself contemplating more and more, the idea of it being unsuccessful. I did a lot of thinking about this when we stopped for 2 years and went over it all in my head every which way. But then, it was painful, and terrifying and awful. Now, it doesn't seem as bad. Some moments I still feel sick at the thought, and a deep sadness. Other times, I think whilst Finn adores babies, he would be okay if one never eventuated for us. I think that he is such a special little boy, he has magic about him, and is forever blowing me away with just how awesome he is - that dedicating everything we can to him would be brilliant. Taking him to see the world, giving him a first class education and every opportunity he ever dreams of, would be a wonderful feeling.
If we are successful and some of those things are potentially scaled back here and there, will I just feel I am failing him in a different area then? Is there any win-win situation for him? Its about living in the right now and not the what ifs and maybes. Its so hard to do, but right now, he is it and so we give him the world. If that continues, brilliant! If we have another and he gets that much longed for sibling, brilliant! Maybe its not so much a win win, but maybe.. we actually can't lose?
I am spinning myself out with that. Weird perspective, and one I will need to remind myself of in the face of more IVF hurdles this year. Hmm. Definitely something to ponder.