Beta #2

From 70 at 13dpo, we needed at least 280 today at 17dpo and we have a beautiful 393. progesterone is also good and pessaries can be stopped anytime now. 6w scan is the next massive hurdle, and it is at 1:15pm on Monday 14th April. Pinch me, please don't let this be a dream.

Scared shitless

I have been getting positive tests since Monday (10dpo). ME!!!! I know! Wtf?!?!? Have been crapping myself ever since, had a friend come bearing more tests and watch them come up + with me - a true friend happily inspects your wee sticks. My BT is not until Monday, so I went to my GP today and pleaded my case and she ordered bloods for me. They came back at 70, a good number for 13dpo. I truly feel I am dreaming, could this really happen for ME? I am utterly terrified. I cant stop thinking negative things and then beating myself up for it. people are saying go easy, its a big deal to process after 4 years of never getting close. Its true, but man... I didn't expect to be this scared. So, next bloods Monday, looking for a number of about 280. PLEASE.

Stressed much?

9 dpo/EPU and I am clearly feeling the anxiety. The last 2 nights I have had the most horror filled dreams - the first night I was being smothered by evil demons and couldn't breathe or get free or wake up. Last night was a little better, but I was a spy of some sort (that part was sort of cool); except there was much shooting and my sister was used as a decoy and I knew it was fake so said for them to shoot her and then vomited everywhere from having to make such a call and what if it had not been fake etc... Charming eh? I then was showing a home video to a lecture theatre of important people and it began showing me as a fat ugly child - totally humiliating... Clearly I am anxious. Its really only the last day or so I have been consciously aware of that anxiety beginning to make itself at home. I do not feel the slightest iota positive or hopeful. I just want it over now which is a bit horrible to say I suppose.

Next cycles I want assisted hatching. Aside from that, I have no idea what to do to get a better result :( Only a few days to go...

A plethora of beautiful signs

How cool is this... This easter weekend, my embryo is due to burrow into the lining and make itself comfortable for 9 months or so. Or not. Now, on its own, I thought there was some sort of cool symbolism in it being easter and this being the schedule - eggs, new life and all that. This morning, I read this:

"This year, easter coincides with the Spring/Autumn Equinox which is celebrated by pagans. In the Northern hemisphere this year, it is the Spring equinox, known as Ostara, which is about celebrating the Spring - the return of the Sun after winter, new life, new growth, fertility, young love. Easter eggs and bunnies are great for representing these things."

Okay so I am not northern hemisphere but still! LOL
And also this:

"There's also a full moon, which represents a pregnant belly."


Thanks to Katie for the info!! I like all that a lot, if its meant to be, then now would be a cool time. Minor problem this being in the southern hemisphere...

I feel sick (ch ment)

Nauseous as hell, but I think its from the huge progesterone dose I am on, more than it is OHSS. Slight tenderness still, but not too bad now. I am tired, sick and depressed. Its a genuine realisation that this is going to be so much harder than I anticipated. I thought that IVF would address our male factor, and get me ovulating and so work eventually. Now I discover the shiteness of my eggs and its been a real hit. The fact that I am going to have to risk OHSS to get something of quality every ER is a bit scary as well. Its just... depressing. And I know I can hope I never need another, that this will work, and logically, there is a reasonable chance of it working but I feel so negative about it.

Maybe its that because it has been 4 years without a vague notion of working, its hard to believe one little embie will work. I am convinced we will need two to hope ONE sticks... but that looks like it will never happen. Like its either quality and one back because of OHSS risk; or lesser quality and 2 back. Its discouraging. I don't want to do this too many more times. Its painful and horrible.

Again, I feel grateful as hell for the miracle my son is. I never have to face the prospect of childlessness, so can never understand that feeling. I am grateful every moment of every day for that. By the years end, we can move on. We'll be done either way and I look forward to banishing infertility and AC from my life forever.


Thank you for all the supportive comments, it helps a lot.

Transfer

Not great news. Of the 20, only TWO made it. Two!!! I burst into tears. Then they made me decide what I wanted to do. They said they wanted only to do zero or one, but not two unless I was adamant because if 2 took, my ohss could be so bad I would need to abort. It may not, of course, but I needed to know the risks blah blah fucking blah.

I ended up putting one grade 2 (1 best 5 worst quality) back and freezing a grade 3. I am devastated. I cried the whole transfer.

It seems I have to borderline overstim everytime just to have anything to put back, and if they ARE quality, then I will never be allowed put 2 in. Its not fucking fair.

This is all so, so hard. :( I am gutted. Yes I have one back but I have zero faith.


PLEASE NO PITY. I do NOT want to feel like a "poor kel" whatever case. Just not interested.

EPU

20 eggs... thats great, but I am now at risk of hyperstim again and might not transfer at all this cycle. Will be assessed Sun and decide at the time based on how I feel and what we get in terms of viability of any embryos.

I am sore, and flat about that. I also have this pinched nerve type feeling in my right shoulder that is hurting. Not sure what that is but its giving me more grief than the tummy at the moment. See what Sunday brings now...

Trigger

Thank you all so much for the comments and support, as you know, it goes a long way.

Trigger is at 10:50pm tonight, fast from midnight tomorrow night, and OPU is 10:20am Friday. Fingers and toes crossed :)

Goodo!!

So I emailed the Dr about the blip and also about the fact she had planned to prescribe pessaries over crinone gel because of my shite LP. She returned the email promptly saying she would amend my history to reflect ETx2 and will write the prog script at OPU. Wonderful!!!

Also, antag needles HURT. They are thicker than the FSH ones, not fine and painless, oh no! These were needing quite the shove to pierce the skin. Caused tears in the eyes, was glad J was doing it and not me. I'd have hesitated and freaked and muffed it.

Wonder how many of the follicles will grow all the way and not be empty? My goal for this EPU is 6-10 eggs. Fingers crossed. And also, quality - better quality PLEEEEEASE. Trigger tomorrow, not sure what time or where yet, will find out tomorrow when nurses call.

Third Scan

I almost fell to a puddle right there on the RE room floor. WE HAVE GROWTH!!!!!!! 13 on the right and 9 on the left all 11-16mm. Can you believe it?! I sure couldn't! So, I had blood taken to check if I had started to surge yet or not, and was called to say all is fine, so its atag tonight, puregon tomorrow and antag again tomorrow night then trigger Wednesday and EPU Friday.

Only blip was they had circled 1 to transfer when we want to transfer 2 as agreed on cancelled cycle so have emailed the Dr about that.. I also forgot to collect my trigger meds! I thought I had them, but I only had the needles. D'oh! Don't need it til Wednesday though, so will get J to grab it tomorrow. The antag only cost me $162 as well, so that was fine.

So.. awaiting further instructions on Wednesday...

Nerves

Its 630am, I cant sleep. Scan is at 10am. I have tenderness on the left (usually the dudd side) and nothing on the right. Nada. I am 99% sure it won't be a good result today. I am not sure how I will cope with a second cancellation, should that be the case. Certainly, I will be considering changing Doctor's if that happens. If I have to call my husband again with bad news... hear that disappointment in his voice.. its awful. I was sorer 2 days ago than I am today, but bloods said I hadn't ovulated so I guess whatever happened in there didn't continue. I could be wrong, but my gut feeling is that today will bring bad news. I am so scared. :(

Bloods

Blood test was good. Left at 630am and drove in while the sun rose and kept taking my eyes off the road to watch the hot air balloons all over Melbourne's sky! Was home by 830am, and had results by 10am. All is as should be, proceed to scan tomorrow... J and I were both visibly relieved. Tomorrow is the big day, though. I feel sick in the stomach whenever I think about it :(

Second scan

Right side NO growth. Left side NO growth, but 4 more. 10 each side, nothing beyond 10.5mm or so.

Up dose. Back mon. I'm thinking this cycles a bust already. If we are struggling already at this stage, we're fucked. To get to EPU is so hard, then we get shit # of eggs and shit quality. Whats the fucking point? Its costing us a fortune, taking forever, and I dont know if its bad management, bad luck or wtf is going on.

Its not fair. We are good parents, its not fair that crack whores and smug fucks get utd and have everything go as they want. Its fucked up and I am so over it.

Also, I have to go all the way in to the city Sunday as well for a precautionary blood test to make sure i dont need to start the antag sooner. They say they cant pump the dose too much or Ill grow more but none will grow further or they will be shite or something.

First Scan

Nothing earth shattering: right side has 10-12 follies approx 10mm each, left side has 6 approx 10mm.

Problem is, often they stop growing much beyond 10 and die off, so nothing too exciting there yet. Dr said normally she might worry about so many on the right and drop dose but because its me.. keep dose the same.

Because this is an antagonist cycle, when follies start to reach about 14mm, they start the antag medications (the exxy ones!) so she cant leave it the long weekend to rescan, so I am back there Friday for another scan to see how they are going. I will probably still stim past then, though. I will possibly start those injections (in place of synarel, can help quality), on Sunday or Monday, may need a blood test Sunday to check that (and I may need to drive miles to do that on a Sunday, work that out when we see whats going on Friday).

Problem is if I start them too late I could ovulate and be cancelled AGAIN so we do have to err on caution, hence early 2nd scan and bloods and stuffing around. So we wait and see what happens and how many grow between now and Friday. She seemed happy with the progress, but I think thought they might be bigger by now. Going on past scans, I tend to lose about 10 follies between now and next, so hopefully I will still have 7 or so for EPU. Its going to be a long 2 days... Second scan is booked for Friday 945am, nice that its slightly later, will mean less traffic going in, but still need Mum back since Finn has Fridays off. So lucky to have her!

Glad I don't have too long to wait, its a nervous time this part. Hard not to overthink. I feel sick with worry, to be honest.

Hallelujah!!!

Took the last of the clomid today!!! Hurrah!!!! Oh how I despise that rotten drug. The moods, the emotions, the hot flushes. Hideous. Not feeling it at all in terms of soreness in the ovary region, last fsh shot tomorrow before scan Wednesday morning. Here is hoping things go a little more to plan this time. I hate the waiting and wondering.