NEGATIVE ***child mentioned***

Bleeding, cramps and a negative wee test. Even on crinone (progesterone) I could only manage 11 days past ovulation. The not knowing was doing my head in, so.. at least I know.

I feel upset. Disappointed. Angry. And I hate myself. I've always hated my body and this gives me more reason to do so... Its letting down me, my husband and my son - all our dreams. All because I am defective. That hurts, and its hard to stand - its inescapabale.

J is ok, disappointed of course. He says its not my fault etc.. of course he does. I still feel it though, rational or not. He also says he is proud of how I am coping, though he missed my tears in the afternoon and again this morning! I guess thats still an improvement on the past.

I was upset yesterday afternoon, and Finn drew me some pictures to comfort me. It was really a bit freaky actually, because there is NO way on earth he could have known why I was upset or what it meant. It was never spoken out loud, so he would have NO idea. Anyway, he drew me the following picture. I wasn;t sure whether to be comforted or feel worse that he may want this and I had failed. Its he and I, and obviously, I am carrying a baby.



Spooky huh? Hes such an intuitive boy. He also drew a picture of me crying, and him holding my hand looking after me. I am so lucky to have this precious child, this amazing boy. Maybe it is greedy to try for more of that. Maybe its just meant to be he and us. Maybe there is no meant to. I dont know. The bottom line is, he is a comfort. Though it does make me want more, because how would I not with one as wonderful as he?! And I feel I let him down, his want for a sibling, and thats an unbearable pain.

Anyway, I intend now, to try and change focus and think about J's birthday, Christmas, etc. We'll try again in Jan/Feb, so this blog might be quietish til then. Thanks for supporting me and reading, and caring. It means a lot.

Consuming thoughts...

Amazing how many times you can google things like :success with low grade embryo's" and "grade 3 embryo" and "day 2 transfer" and get different stories. Sigh. It seems some babies are born from shite embies, and some top grade embies result in failed cycles. So there is no real way of knowing. Though the chances are obviously lower, doesn't mean there is NO chance. So, we wait. And we wait, and we wait, and we wait. Its hard to go from appointments every few days and being very much in go go go mode, to the epu and transfer and pain and watching for OHSS... to now trying to switch it all off and forget about it. Its SO hard not to let ti consume my every waking thought. It is hard when you invest SO much in so many ways, to try and let it go and ce la vie...

Rationally, I have worked out when we will be able to go again (need a cycle off for the recovery, and to get xmas and first terms school fees over with); so probably February... but am glad that we will be on flare cycles now, not down regulated. This means no pill stage. Once I get a period, its straight to the fsh injections, no pill! So instead of 6 weeks+ cycles, it will be 4ish. Means we can easily get through 4 or more cycles by the years end. At which point its crunch time again if we are not successful. I still believe by end next year, we will be. Geez. I have so said that before...

Anyway, I have made those back up plans, and I know that if this is negative, I will be disappointed, and devastated... but I know I will recover eventually, and get back on that horse. In the meantime... we wait.

What a day!!

I'm home, finally!!

Took Finn to school at 9, then came home and tidied up, then took off to the bank and to top up the petrol before heading off to acupuncture session #1. It went well, lots of needles, lots of Qi moving to the uterus (I hope!)

Then, home for lunch and to meet my sister, and fill her in on picking Finn up etc. So she set off to get him, and I set off for the city. Bloody carpark was full and so I had to walk 3 blocks with my still tender tummy which was a shit!

Mixed news on the embies (embryo's). Of the 11 crap eggs, only 2 survived. :( And they were not great. Excellent and goo embryos are grade 1 and 2, mine were 3 and 4 - so, average and slightly below average (4 cell and 2 cell).

I said "oh. Well can you put both back?" Dr Foster said she felt the lower would not survive freeze and thaw and so decided that yes, 2 could go in. So I saw my 2 little babies on the tv, and then they put them in, I got my progesterone and off we went.

J is a little more disappointed than I, at the prospect of if it is unsuccessful, we need to do all the drugs ad EPU again... I was just relieved its done! I went and had acupuncture #2, and now I am home and falling in a heap. I intend to forget about it, at least for the weekend and enjoy my 30th Birthday.

2 babies on board though, and I know people who conceived with a grade 4, let alone a 3, so I am happy. yay!

just quickly...

11 eggs, fewer than expected but this means IF the dr feels I am ok Wednesday, transfer of an embryo back into me can go ahead after all!! Fingers crossed I pull up ok. Quite sore tonight, off to bed xx

PS Am rapt with 11!!! Remember 10 was my goal!!

The point of no return

The nurse called yesterday to tell me that egg pick up is at 10:40am Monday at the RWH, and therefore, trigger was to be at 11:10pm last night. So very precise, not 11, 11:10pm. Because it takes 36 hours to ovulate, so I get there 35 and a half before and then they can catch them as they mature and ready to ovulate.

The trigger injection is bloody awful. Now, at the start of all this, they told us it was an all in one syringe which pleased us greatly, since at the IUIs it was the vials etc. But, when I collected it all on Friday, she said I have to have the vials again because I am hyper stimulated and that form is more gentle on the ovaries.

So anyway, I had to stay up late (for me, I am old remember); at mix it up. What happens is I have to snap the tops of two, small vials (about 3-4cm tall), and hope they don't shatter. Then I have to be super careful that I don't knock them over, and you'd be surprised how easily that could happen! If either happens, we're screwed, there are no spares.

So, then I attach a large thick drawing up needle to the syringe, draw up the water form one tiny vial (without unbalancing it with the thick long needle!) and then depress the water in to the vial of powdered medicine, swirl it up til it dissolves (again, careful with the tiny vial!!!) then draw it all up again, turn the needle upside down so i doesn't all escape when I take the drawing up needle off and replace it with the injecting needle (far, far smaller!)

Then tap all the air bubbles to the surface, and slowly depress the syringe til the air is out, and a drop of medicine is at the tip, then inject. It is seriously stressful and fiddly. But, I got it done. Ended up being 5 minutes late though, so will tell them that tomorrow. Better late than early.

So, there is no going back now. Tomorrow morning we'll see how many eggs we get, and then the eternally long wait til Wednesday when the Dr. calls to tell me how many fertilised with the ICSI, and how many are developing and suitable for freezing. I feel ill at the thought. I am hoping for 10 eggs tomorrow, 10 good ones. 6 is ok. Less than 6 and i will be disappointed and worried, but as long as its quality... it will be ok. I hope.

I am really pretty scared about going under anaesthetic too. Its scary. Last time I was under a similar level of anaesthesia, was for an endoscopy about 10 years ish ago and it was traumatic. Before that, some operations as a little girl (I got over the needle phobia with all this, but still a bit scared of going under). And its going to hurt. A needle through the vaginal wall to get all my eggs out. Well fark. That doesn't sound fun.

So am sore and tired, but nearly there. Now to drink 3l of water and powerade for the next week to stop OHSS and I might even be okay for my birthday on Friday!

The 'Semi-Go ahead.'

The last 2 days have felt longer than the last 2 months. Have been so stressed and worried and certain it was over. Horrible.

Okay, so I have on the right ovary: 15 follicles measuring about 17mm. On the left: 17 follicles measuring around 17-20mm. Ouch!!! Doctor said that IF we went ahead with a retrieval, I might get hyperstim, but it would not be at dangerous levels. She said no transfer though, freeze all - too risky. She asked how did I feel about the prospect of maybe getting ohss and doing retrieval.. or I could cancel there and then.

I said I would go ahead with retrieval. Am shitting myself mind you. Terrified of getting sick, can be quite bad for some people: lots and lots of fluids, rest and protein. So I feel mixed. Enormous relief this has not all been wasted, scared of getting sick and disappointed we won't get to put a fresh embryo back (supposedly far more likely to implant than a thawed).

I think its the right decision tho. If we transferred and it took, then we'd be starting pregnancy in a stressed/worn out body, and that'd be sucky. Plus it'd be hard if I got very sick with ohss - worrying about me, and a fetus AND finn etc... too much. I do feel this is right. Make the most of it and get them out - but then let my body rest and recover before a pregnancy. feels right.

So, onto retrieval Monday, they will call with details of when and where tomorrow.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

I have 20 fricken follis on EACH side. 40 follis. This is NOT good news. :( Dr says 50/50 chance of cancellation. I drop back to 200iu today and tomorrow and rescan Friday morning. If I have more than 30 still, I am cancelled.
If I have 25-30 I will have retrieval but not transfer. etc..

Sigh. No wonder my ovaries fuckin hurt. J is being positive and saying well we know we can get the numbers next time etc etc...

I am trying not to think about it. Worrying wont change it. Just see what happens Friday, but its not looking good at all. Please send me some "halve what you have" vibes.

This is not very much fun

So I made it, just did my #5 injection and that is it now til the scan tomorrow to see what is developing. I am feeling it I have to say. This is the most I have ever had and it could get worse yet.

I feel really irritable and short tempered, teary and tired. My ovaries are a little tender, not sore, just... I am aware of them! I am confident something is going on, I just don't know how much or to what extent. I was reading back over my IUI journals to see my response to injections then, and I felt a little more sore than I am now when I had 5 or so follicles maturing. So, I still expect to have some days ahead of injecting yet.

Find out tomorrow morning I guess. Am shit scared, to be honest. This is a scary part, the balance of dose is tricky. I don't want over and to be cancelled and in pain etc. with OHSS*; nor do I want to go under and be injecting forever and still risk cancellation with too few follicles. I am utterly terrified. Trying not to think too much about it at the moment. Need to distract myself today so it passes quickly.



*OHSS is Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome, and can be really scary and serious requiring hospitalisation and close monitoring. You cna try and keep it at bay by drinking lots of water/gatorade which I am doing, but if its bad enough, it will happen anyway. More info can be found by clicking here.

IVF Junkie

Hurrah! I commence shooting up tomorrow! Should have been today, but the scan to check progress fell on Cup day so its tomorrow, and scan Wednesday. I talked to her about the very low start dose and told her my IUI history dosage/result and she decided to instead start me at 250. I felt anything less than 200 would be a waste of our time, so was very pleased with that.

So, I collected my second pack now (have one the same from IUI days); of cooler bag, ice brick, pen needle, sharps disposal unit and precious vials and needles. I feel so relieved, honestly. And can you believe my lining was still bloody 4mm?!?! HOW? Stupid period is STILL spotting today. Dr says was definitely right to wait the week given that the period kept going like that, says it would've stuffed things a bit.

I really like my Dr. She listens to me, she's encouraging, realistic and proactive. You really can't ask for more than that when it comes to Assisted Conception, in my opinion.

So, good news. Am already nervous about Wednesdays scan. Am quite certain I will need a lot more beyond that, so its not that. But now I am thinking god if I talked her into a higher dose and I react differently and OVERstim, it will be my fault. Its unlikely... but it will be in my mind til Wednesday. What I expect to happen, is to find some growth, but early days, which will require more stimulation/needles, maybe an increased dose or more of the same. With IUI I injected for 3 weeks and 2 weeks so that is an indication.

Also, I just received an email from the people at www.essentialbaby.com.au which said I had been chosen as a winner for a competition I entered recently. I have won us a copy of this book:

Making Babies: Personal IVF Stories (can click that for more info)

So that will be handy timing, and should inspire and give us strength. Great bonus! Good day!!


ETA: Credit for the term "IVF junkie" which I just love, goes to Adrian B, I have adopted it as my new favourite term.