Our baby at 12 weeks

Sorry Judy, for taking my time! lol.

Had the scan this morning, and all is perfect. A beautiful baby, heart rate of 160bpm, measuring right on dates, and with a very thin nuchal fold. Everything was perfect, legs and arms were waving about, and it was magical. We can finally begin to relax and enjoy this miracle, I am so excited now. Its real!

Finn was not overly excited, he said it was great, but was more excited about the celebratory lunch we went out for!

Here is our baby:

Hello :)

Still here, and as far as I know, still pregnant. 11 weeks now, scan next week. Terrified and excited.

I think so far, all of this has felt for both J and myself, like it has all still been part of the IVF process. The fear, anxiety and sickness etc. For us, I think it will actually truly begin after the scan, should all go well. THEN we might relax slightly, and begin to enjoy it. I certainly intend to be more vigilant about letting fears surface than I have been this first 12 weeks (nervous wreck). It will be our last, and we worked hard for it, so I want to enjoy it.

I will update again post scan and, if all goes okay, will then switch back to using my Natsukashii blog again, and retire this one, though I have kept copies of all my posts. Its a hell I won't be forgetting anytime soon, thats for sure.

I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and watching the clock... almost there.

Houston:

WE HAVE A HEARTBEAT!!!!!!!!

I burst into tears of relief on the spot. She was pointing out the sac and yolky thing (!) and I was just thinking yeah yeah can we just find a heartbeat first!? And then there it was. Lovely and strong and baby is measuring spot on for dates. My FS was so lovely and saying how difficult we had had it, and how I never complained or whinged (to her anyway :P ) and that she was truly thrilled for us. Its so surreal, but I kept getting teary all the way home - I really am having a baby!!!!

Baseless (?) Fear and Worry

I have nothing that I ought to be worried about. No bleeding or unusual pain. I have mild morning sickness, I am dog tired, and am emotional. My HPT sticks have gotten progressively darker. I am 5 weeks and 5 days today.

And yet, I have this fear that continually threatens to take over my mind. I am utterly terrified. Its still 5 days until we have our scan, and it has been a long, long, 2 and a half weeks since I got that first positive HPT. If I try to tune into my instincts, they feel good, I feel okay... but its so difficult to do.

The way I describe it is, if you have been told "NO" repeatedly and definitely on a regular basis for four years, and then suddenly that voice says YES, it is extremely difficult to believe they mean it. Its really hard not to expect negative, to expect to be told oh no our mistake... To hear NO again. NO is what I am used to. To trust in the yes, is like jumping of a cliff. It requires faith I just don't have. I am petrified of getting to the scan and hearing bad news. I don't think it will happen - but it might.

And even beyond that, I know I will still be this way until 12 weeks. Maybe forever. It is just so scary. I don't post anywhere, because I feel I am tempting fate. With my first child, many other things were going on in my life, and I didn't really feel this way to the same extent - we had only tried 2 years then anyway. I wanted to do it again, to enjoy it without those other scary things going on, and I am finding it is not going to be that way still, because now, I have this fear instead. This terror. Do people really just do one HPT and then not have a scan until 12 weeks?! Seriously? I think I have done over 20 tests, 2 blood tests and am sweating on the scan. God this fear, I am not strong enough to put it aside and say Que Sera... I know I cant change it, if thats whats written in the stars, but I am struggling a lot with this "new" way of thinking. With the belief that this could be truly real. I want it so badly, I am so scared of it being ripped away.

Distraction...

Time passes slooowwwllllyyyy.... so far so good. This is my hubby and our crazy cat, Keven. With help from Belinda (who gave me the caption as my brain is fried); I LOLcatz'd him!


Enter the Make Ur Lolcat Famous Contest

Beta #2

From 70 at 13dpo, we needed at least 280 today at 17dpo and we have a beautiful 393. progesterone is also good and pessaries can be stopped anytime now. 6w scan is the next massive hurdle, and it is at 1:15pm on Monday 14th April. Pinch me, please don't let this be a dream.

Scared shitless

I have been getting positive tests since Monday (10dpo). ME!!!! I know! Wtf?!?!? Have been crapping myself ever since, had a friend come bearing more tests and watch them come up + with me - a true friend happily inspects your wee sticks. My BT is not until Monday, so I went to my GP today and pleaded my case and she ordered bloods for me. They came back at 70, a good number for 13dpo. I truly feel I am dreaming, could this really happen for ME? I am utterly terrified. I cant stop thinking negative things and then beating myself up for it. people are saying go easy, its a big deal to process after 4 years of never getting close. Its true, but man... I didn't expect to be this scared. So, next bloods Monday, looking for a number of about 280. PLEASE.

Stressed much?

9 dpo/EPU and I am clearly feeling the anxiety. The last 2 nights I have had the most horror filled dreams - the first night I was being smothered by evil demons and couldn't breathe or get free or wake up. Last night was a little better, but I was a spy of some sort (that part was sort of cool); except there was much shooting and my sister was used as a decoy and I knew it was fake so said for them to shoot her and then vomited everywhere from having to make such a call and what if it had not been fake etc... Charming eh? I then was showing a home video to a lecture theatre of important people and it began showing me as a fat ugly child - totally humiliating... Clearly I am anxious. Its really only the last day or so I have been consciously aware of that anxiety beginning to make itself at home. I do not feel the slightest iota positive or hopeful. I just want it over now which is a bit horrible to say I suppose.

Next cycles I want assisted hatching. Aside from that, I have no idea what to do to get a better result :( Only a few days to go...

A plethora of beautiful signs

How cool is this... This easter weekend, my embryo is due to burrow into the lining and make itself comfortable for 9 months or so. Or not. Now, on its own, I thought there was some sort of cool symbolism in it being easter and this being the schedule - eggs, new life and all that. This morning, I read this:

"This year, easter coincides with the Spring/Autumn Equinox which is celebrated by pagans. In the Northern hemisphere this year, it is the Spring equinox, known as Ostara, which is about celebrating the Spring - the return of the Sun after winter, new life, new growth, fertility, young love. Easter eggs and bunnies are great for representing these things."

Okay so I am not northern hemisphere but still! LOL
And also this:

"There's also a full moon, which represents a pregnant belly."


Thanks to Katie for the info!! I like all that a lot, if its meant to be, then now would be a cool time. Minor problem this being in the southern hemisphere...

I feel sick (ch ment)

Nauseous as hell, but I think its from the huge progesterone dose I am on, more than it is OHSS. Slight tenderness still, but not too bad now. I am tired, sick and depressed. Its a genuine realisation that this is going to be so much harder than I anticipated. I thought that IVF would address our male factor, and get me ovulating and so work eventually. Now I discover the shiteness of my eggs and its been a real hit. The fact that I am going to have to risk OHSS to get something of quality every ER is a bit scary as well. Its just... depressing. And I know I can hope I never need another, that this will work, and logically, there is a reasonable chance of it working but I feel so negative about it.

Maybe its that because it has been 4 years without a vague notion of working, its hard to believe one little embie will work. I am convinced we will need two to hope ONE sticks... but that looks like it will never happen. Like its either quality and one back because of OHSS risk; or lesser quality and 2 back. Its discouraging. I don't want to do this too many more times. Its painful and horrible.

Again, I feel grateful as hell for the miracle my son is. I never have to face the prospect of childlessness, so can never understand that feeling. I am grateful every moment of every day for that. By the years end, we can move on. We'll be done either way and I look forward to banishing infertility and AC from my life forever.


Thank you for all the supportive comments, it helps a lot.

Transfer

Not great news. Of the 20, only TWO made it. Two!!! I burst into tears. Then they made me decide what I wanted to do. They said they wanted only to do zero or one, but not two unless I was adamant because if 2 took, my ohss could be so bad I would need to abort. It may not, of course, but I needed to know the risks blah blah fucking blah.

I ended up putting one grade 2 (1 best 5 worst quality) back and freezing a grade 3. I am devastated. I cried the whole transfer.

It seems I have to borderline overstim everytime just to have anything to put back, and if they ARE quality, then I will never be allowed put 2 in. Its not fucking fair.

This is all so, so hard. :( I am gutted. Yes I have one back but I have zero faith.


PLEASE NO PITY. I do NOT want to feel like a "poor kel" whatever case. Just not interested.

EPU

20 eggs... thats great, but I am now at risk of hyperstim again and might not transfer at all this cycle. Will be assessed Sun and decide at the time based on how I feel and what we get in terms of viability of any embryos.

I am sore, and flat about that. I also have this pinched nerve type feeling in my right shoulder that is hurting. Not sure what that is but its giving me more grief than the tummy at the moment. See what Sunday brings now...

Trigger

Thank you all so much for the comments and support, as you know, it goes a long way.

Trigger is at 10:50pm tonight, fast from midnight tomorrow night, and OPU is 10:20am Friday. Fingers and toes crossed :)

Goodo!!

So I emailed the Dr about the blip and also about the fact she had planned to prescribe pessaries over crinone gel because of my shite LP. She returned the email promptly saying she would amend my history to reflect ETx2 and will write the prog script at OPU. Wonderful!!!

Also, antag needles HURT. They are thicker than the FSH ones, not fine and painless, oh no! These were needing quite the shove to pierce the skin. Caused tears in the eyes, was glad J was doing it and not me. I'd have hesitated and freaked and muffed it.

Wonder how many of the follicles will grow all the way and not be empty? My goal for this EPU is 6-10 eggs. Fingers crossed. And also, quality - better quality PLEEEEEASE. Trigger tomorrow, not sure what time or where yet, will find out tomorrow when nurses call.

Third Scan

I almost fell to a puddle right there on the RE room floor. WE HAVE GROWTH!!!!!!! 13 on the right and 9 on the left all 11-16mm. Can you believe it?! I sure couldn't! So, I had blood taken to check if I had started to surge yet or not, and was called to say all is fine, so its atag tonight, puregon tomorrow and antag again tomorrow night then trigger Wednesday and EPU Friday.

Only blip was they had circled 1 to transfer when we want to transfer 2 as agreed on cancelled cycle so have emailed the Dr about that.. I also forgot to collect my trigger meds! I thought I had them, but I only had the needles. D'oh! Don't need it til Wednesday though, so will get J to grab it tomorrow. The antag only cost me $162 as well, so that was fine.

So.. awaiting further instructions on Wednesday...

Nerves

Its 630am, I cant sleep. Scan is at 10am. I have tenderness on the left (usually the dudd side) and nothing on the right. Nada. I am 99% sure it won't be a good result today. I am not sure how I will cope with a second cancellation, should that be the case. Certainly, I will be considering changing Doctor's if that happens. If I have to call my husband again with bad news... hear that disappointment in his voice.. its awful. I was sorer 2 days ago than I am today, but bloods said I hadn't ovulated so I guess whatever happened in there didn't continue. I could be wrong, but my gut feeling is that today will bring bad news. I am so scared. :(

Bloods

Blood test was good. Left at 630am and drove in while the sun rose and kept taking my eyes off the road to watch the hot air balloons all over Melbourne's sky! Was home by 830am, and had results by 10am. All is as should be, proceed to scan tomorrow... J and I were both visibly relieved. Tomorrow is the big day, though. I feel sick in the stomach whenever I think about it :(

Second scan

Right side NO growth. Left side NO growth, but 4 more. 10 each side, nothing beyond 10.5mm or so.

Up dose. Back mon. I'm thinking this cycles a bust already. If we are struggling already at this stage, we're fucked. To get to EPU is so hard, then we get shit # of eggs and shit quality. Whats the fucking point? Its costing us a fortune, taking forever, and I dont know if its bad management, bad luck or wtf is going on.

Its not fair. We are good parents, its not fair that crack whores and smug fucks get utd and have everything go as they want. Its fucked up and I am so over it.

Also, I have to go all the way in to the city Sunday as well for a precautionary blood test to make sure i dont need to start the antag sooner. They say they cant pump the dose too much or Ill grow more but none will grow further or they will be shite or something.

First Scan

Nothing earth shattering: right side has 10-12 follies approx 10mm each, left side has 6 approx 10mm.

Problem is, often they stop growing much beyond 10 and die off, so nothing too exciting there yet. Dr said normally she might worry about so many on the right and drop dose but because its me.. keep dose the same.

Because this is an antagonist cycle, when follies start to reach about 14mm, they start the antag medications (the exxy ones!) so she cant leave it the long weekend to rescan, so I am back there Friday for another scan to see how they are going. I will probably still stim past then, though. I will possibly start those injections (in place of synarel, can help quality), on Sunday or Monday, may need a blood test Sunday to check that (and I may need to drive miles to do that on a Sunday, work that out when we see whats going on Friday).

Problem is if I start them too late I could ovulate and be cancelled AGAIN so we do have to err on caution, hence early 2nd scan and bloods and stuffing around. So we wait and see what happens and how many grow between now and Friday. She seemed happy with the progress, but I think thought they might be bigger by now. Going on past scans, I tend to lose about 10 follies between now and next, so hopefully I will still have 7 or so for EPU. Its going to be a long 2 days... Second scan is booked for Friday 945am, nice that its slightly later, will mean less traffic going in, but still need Mum back since Finn has Fridays off. So lucky to have her!

Glad I don't have too long to wait, its a nervous time this part. Hard not to overthink. I feel sick with worry, to be honest.

Hallelujah!!!

Took the last of the clomid today!!! Hurrah!!!! Oh how I despise that rotten drug. The moods, the emotions, the hot flushes. Hideous. Not feeling it at all in terms of soreness in the ovary region, last fsh shot tomorrow before scan Wednesday morning. Here is hoping things go a little more to plan this time. I hate the waiting and wondering.

A letter to my body

After reading Melissa's post here about writing a letter to your body, I thought I would give it a go.

Dear Body,

Righteo. Let's have it out. A lot goes on between us that is usually left unsaid, but I think its time we took our heads from the sand and talked it out. For some reason, you are.. well.. slightly defective, let's be honest. But, to be fair, you do okay for the most part. I have no killer diseases, I get sick not too often and to me, thats the main thing. You have the main things covered - and for that I am so deeply grateful.

Its really just that one part of you that is an issue. My friends, the ovaries. Now possibly you skived off when they did the lecture on how you ought to function. Maybe you had your I-pod on, I don't know, but whatever it was, you were not listening, were you? Please listen now!

This poly-cystic thing is no good. For either of us. It may have had a function once - I think I would have done brilliantly in times of famine. Let me be clear when I say to you: There is no famine. Nor is there likely to be in my lifetime. Thank you, for thinking of it, but, we need to readdress that game-plan and quickly.

The self hatred this PCOS has created within me is scary in its depth. The infertility is a painful, horrible thing that causes me to abuse you verbally and physically. It destroys me, and if I am destroyed so too, will you be.

You know what, though? I know we can overcome it. I am certain of it. I just need you guys to co-operate and if you enable me to conceive just one more time, I swear I will leave you alone for good. I'll get back onto metformin and we'll both be much happier. If you just do the job well enough, and have a word to the uterus and hormone levels as well, just to be safe - if you pull that off just once -thats it! Forever! No more being jabbed and stimulated to grow too big and prodded and sworn at. Never again! Doesn't that sound good??? Please, do this one thing for me, the rest of the body is doing its part so well, please join in and pull your weight just one time. I will be eternally grateful to you. Promise.

Your owner. xx



You can do your own, and submit it on this page.

FYI

41% Geek

I think thats better than I suspected it would be! Mind you, according to anther of their quizzes, I am 74% addicted to blogging. You win some, you lose some..

IVF Junkie part 3

Shooting up has commenced again. It may be normal after a canceled cycle, but I am feeling pretty negative this time, compared to the start of the last 2 cycles. I just think well I wonder what will go wrong this time? We've had an overstim, we've had an understim, what next? So much can go wrong, I just feel depressed. Getting to the stage of getting some embies transferred back is really not at all straight forward or a given. It's a hard fought battle. Can't Gil get a lick??

So, we wait. And we wait and we wait and we wait. Scan next Wednesday is not overly helpful. Both previous times it has shown 10+ more follicles than have been there at subsequent scans. many tend to die off post 10mm (ish). So, the second scan is far more useful to us. Thats a good week or so away yet.

So begins the injections, drinking loads of water and walking every night. Add clomid into the mix and we have a REAL party. Woo fricken hoo!

Bitter old cynic aren't I?

Cycle 3 away!

So just on the fees, I had told my folks about it, had a whinge, but said we'd work it out okay. I got a call the next morning from my beautiful 80 year old grandmother, she had been talking to my Dad and was calling to tell me a cheque was in the mail to help us out. I promptly burst into tears of gratitude. What a generous, kind thing to do.

Meanwhile, also yesterday morning, I began spotting. 9 day LP, go me!!! Pathetic. So, today we're full force, and I am waiting for the nurses to call me back and confirm all systems are go. I get nervous waiting for this call, because whilst it seems in theory, to be a routine thing, in practice they did forget to schedule my down reg! So, until it is confirmed things are underway, I get touchy and nervous. Ring, damn you, RING!



30 minutes later...

100mg clomid for 5 days starting Thursday.
200iu puregon for 5 days starting Friday.
First scan next Wednesday morning, 9am.

I feel sick with nerves after the cancelled cycle. Here we go again...

$$$$$$$ & Resources

So I discovered last night that a stim/ICSI cycle is going up by almost $1000 at the end of March. We had initially factored into our budget a cycle every 2 months until the years end, at which time its time to reassess if we intend to go on. An extra thousand per cycle means we will go from cycling every 2 months, to every 3, and thereby reduce things from 5 this year to 3 or 4 if lucky.. (talking fresh cycles). So I am a bit bummed, but I remind myself that a few years ago, we couldn't have dreamed of doing IVF at all, and that compared to other countries, we have it bloody good here in Australia. And even further to that, our clinic only charges the part we are responsible for, and bills medicare their element directly, so we only need to find a portion if the true upfront fee at the beginning of a cycle. I know we are lucky, but its still a disappointment that plans change, and waiting time increases. It makes me feel a little like I really have to hope this cycle we are due to begin next week works, before the new fees kick in March 31. No pressure or anything.



I was making a list recently, of books and resources that I have found helpful in relation to IVF and Infertility. I thought I would copy it over here. Please feel free to add any you are aware of or have found helpful in your journey via the comments. These are largely Australian and some international resources.

* Infertility Books website (American)

* Why Me? The Real-Life Guide to Infertility by Loraine Brown. (1998, Simon & Schuster, Sydney).

* The Psychological Impact of Infertility: A comparison with Patients with Other Medical Conditions, by A.D. Domar, P.C. Zuttermeister and R. Friedman (1993). A medical study.

* So Close: Infertile and Addicted to Hope by Tertia Albertyn

* Getting Pregnant The Hard Way: A Husbands Tale by Mikael Svanstrom. A mans perspective of IVF

* Sex at 6pm: A Personal Journey Through IVF by Annarosa Berman (2006).New Holland Publishers.

* The Couple's Guide to In Vitro Fertilization: Everything you need to know to maximise your chances of success" by Liza Charlesworth. (There is nothing amazing in there, just a good intro if its all unfamiliar).

* Inconceivable by Ben Elton (humourous, not for all).

* Baby Steps: A Bloke's Eye View of IVF by Jason Davies

* The Baby Trail by Sinead Moriarty (Humour)

* A Perfect Match by Sinead Moriarty (Humour, sequel)

* A Few Good Eggs: Two Chicks Dish on Overcoming the Insanity of Infertility by Julie Vargo and Maureen Regan

* Battles with the Baby Gods: Infertility: Stories of Hope by Amanda Hampson

* The Infertility Handbook - A Guide to Making Babies by Jacqueline Tomlins

* The Lost and Found Connections Abound Blogroll

* Making Babies by Theresa Miller

* Conception Chronicles: The Uncensored Truth about Sex, Love and Marriage when you are trying to get pregnant By Patty Doyle Debano and Courtney Menzal

* The Stork Club: One Womans Journey to the Front Line of Fertility Treatment by Imogen Edwards-Jones

* IVF Shoot 'Em Up

* International Infertility Film Festival

* Expecting Miracles: On the Path of Hope from Infertility to Parenthood by Christo Zouves, MD

* IVF & Ever After: The Emotional Needs of Families by Nichola Bedos - Personally, I am skeptical of this one. Its a privately practicing counsellor drumming up business by mentioning the many difficulties IVF patients suffer not only during treatment but as parents etc.. This article makes me think that, it sounds so negative, and neglects to mention she is a counsellor. Maybe I am just cynical!

Are we there yet?

6dpo today, and since my LP is only ever 11 days even with support, I should be back into it this time next week. Unless of course, a true miracle occurs and our natural attempt worked. If that happens, I want to write to the Pope and get it endorsed as a real miracle. I really don't want another period. I HATE having my period and since I normally have 3 month cycles, this regularity (albeit drug induced) is a bit too much!

So I am due for spotting wed 27/thurs 28th. The marking of time in AC freaks me out. At no other time in life do I feel like a week is in each day as I do with AC whether its waiting for a period or a scan, or a retrieval, or transfer or of course the 2ww. Its always soooo sloooooow.

Must get into my writing project so that I can slack off when things get busy with the next cycle without fall out. Sounds so wise and smart, yet I never quite seem to be that organised in truth.

Swinging

No, not that kind!

I was thinking earlier, that whilst I am still very committed to this trying again business, and to at least 4 fresh embie transfers or the end of the year, I find myself contemplating more and more, the idea of it being unsuccessful. I did a lot of thinking about this when we stopped for 2 years and went over it all in my head every which way. But then, it was painful, and terrifying and awful. Now, it doesn't seem as bad. Some moments I still feel sick at the thought, and a deep sadness. Other times, I think whilst Finn adores babies, he would be okay if one never eventuated for us. I think that he is such a special little boy, he has magic about him, and is forever blowing me away with just how awesome he is - that dedicating everything we can to him would be brilliant. Taking him to see the world, giving him a first class education and every opportunity he ever dreams of, would be a wonderful feeling.

If we are successful and some of those things are potentially scaled back here and there, will I just feel I am failing him in a different area then? Is there any win-win situation for him? Its about living in the right now and not the what ifs and maybes. Its so hard to do, but right now, he is it and so we give him the world. If that continues, brilliant! If we have another and he gets that much longed for sibling, brilliant! Maybe its not so much a win win, but maybe.. we actually can't lose?

I am spinning myself out with that. Weird perspective, and one I will need to remind myself of in the face of more IVF hurdles this year. Hmm. Definitely something to ponder.

AC is like a tightrope walk

I was due to ovulate between 9 and 10pm last night, but was woken by pain at about 3am, so wonder if I was a little late. Who knows? We gave it a shot the old fashioned way, but we have no faith in that at all. Why would it work now? So, my period should arrive in 11-12 days now with my crap luteal phase, thats about the 27th or 28th Feb.

Then we’ll start Clomid on day 3 (100mg for 5 days) and the injections again on day 4 (200iu for 5 days). Scan will be day 9. When we get some growth happening, we'll also start the antagonist injections. Sounds like a jabby kind of cycle. No synarel, the antagonist needles take its place. I really don't understand still, the differences in protocols in terms of why one would be used over another and what each is best suited to or aimed to do. There is none that will suit me ideally, just hope we strike it lucky. From what I understand, clomid is used in conjunction with the FSH in an attempt to grow more and better quality follies/eggs. And the antag is also supposed to be better in terms of quality over quantity. But I have NO idea, really. If anyone else has a better grip on this stuff, please fill me in.

Honestly discouraged is not even the beginning of how I feel. The odds are stacked so greatly against us, its hard not to wonder if this is truly just not meant to be. We said we would give this at least 12 months of honest to goodness hardcore trying though, and we are not yet near that.

It feels to me sometimes, as though I am walking on a tightrope. Battling on and trying to keep balanced and not lose perspective. Not to overthink, just to keep head down, and watch my feet take each step. No looking up into the future, its too hard that way. Looking up and ahead is distracting and full of hurdles that may or may not come to pass. Whenever I gain confidence or momentum, something happens to slow me down and remind me I am not infallible, and possibly, should never have stepped out on the highwire to begin with. Slow and steady will see us reach the other side, in theory. But at any moment, we could fall and end the attempt altogether.


P.S. Have added a sidebar list of our history of trying to conceive. It is actually a bit depressing to read laid out like that.

Geebus!!!!!

I was reading Bec's blog as per usual, and explored some of her blog links and discovered something phenomenal.

2 things, that are sort of nearly the same thing, actually. Firstly the most amazing infertility blogroll known to man. I exaggerate only slightly. It is mammoth! The Stirrup Queen's Completely Anal List of Blogs That Proves That She Really Missed Her Calling as a Personal Organizer - is mind blowing.

Not only does it list infertility blogs, but it lists them in beautiful, orderly categories. It is a list queens paradise. And I do so love lists! You know, as much as people try and understand what you go through, the people who really get it are the other people who live it. So, for me, to find a list of secondary infertility blogs is somewhat akin to finding an oasis in a desert and taking a long drink. Just brilliant.

Part two of the discovery is the Lost and Found website. Its not so much about kittens and puppies as it is a tracking of all those blogs in one place. So you can see at a glance who has had a shitty result and click through to give some encouragement and support. Or who has had a great result and you're right there to offer congratulations. What a bloody brilliant idea. No one need ever be alone with their infertility hell again.

The Tea Party

I regularly post a link to this or mention it, or post the lyrics.. It is just.. well, listen. If it doesn't move you, you're dead!



If fate holds a purpose
You feel fate will lend a hand
It saves face deserts you
It deals grace from underhand
And every time the past's awakened
Every time your soul starts breaking

You can't stand the distance
You can't stand to not be afraid
You won't show resistance
You can't seem to run away
Because every time the past's awakened
Every time your soul starts breaking

In the face of the fire
You see angels conspire
Will they hear you desires
Will they stop your soulbreaking
Could they stop your soulbreaking

You won't say you're hurting
You still dream in the undertow
Just a safe place a haven
Just a kind face just to overthrow
Every time the past's awakened
Every time your soul starts breaking

In the face of the fire
You see angels conspire
Will they hear your desires
Will the stop your soulbreaking
Could they stop your soulbreaking
Will they stop your soulbreaking
Could they stop your soulbreaking
Please love

Every time the past's awakened
Every time my soul starts breaking

Cancelled

No more growth, cycle cancelled. Wait for another period and start again with an antagonist protocol.

I worked so frigging hard. Nothing. Its hard, it hurts and I am fucking angry. Not at anyone or anything, just at how hard it has to be and how much self loathing I have. Fucked off.

Nothing ever is easy

Not a great scan. Left side have gone backwards in growth, and right I had 2 x 14mm, 1 x 13mm and some smallish nothingy ones. Upped dose from 150 to 200iu for 3 more days, rescan Friday. Need more to happen or EPU won't go ahead. Can;t think about it til Friday, too many what ifs. Feeling pretty flat and dejected. FS said I have "hardcore PCOS" in that my ovaries are totally unpredictable in whether they will over under or respond the same each time. Woot for me. I hate my ovaries. I feel so guilty, angry and depressed. Oh well. Worry about it Friday I suppose.

An interesting comparison

I was thinking about IVF as compared to IUI and my response to the drugs.

I went back to my journals and looked it up. For my first IUI I did 8 days of 75iu, then another 7 days of 150iu and got 2 follies.

Second IUI I did 3 days of 200iu and another 9 of 150iu and got 4 follicles.


So both of those cycles I was on the same dose as I am now on for this IVF cycle (150iu ) of the puregon, and had poorer response after being on it far longer. This cycle after just 5 days of the 150, I have 12+ in development. That is a massive difference. And clearly why last cycle I had 40 on 250/200iu! Yet you can see why I wanted to start that high, given the responses I had on IUI to the exact same drug.

Given I weigh the same now as I did then, the only difference I can put it down to is that with the IVF I have walked 20 minutes every single day that I am stimming. I was even on metformin then to help it all along and am not now.

Surely this is a good thing, that I am helping my body along, not relying on the increased drugs? It is such an enormously different response, it truly intrigues me.

Blahhh

I feel sick. My ovaries are starting to hurt, I have headaches from the synarel, and I just feel generally off. Especially because I insist on drinking heaps of water everyday which makes me feel all full and blah.

I also feel a bit emotionally worn - mostly in anticipation of the week ahead. I have to try not to think ahead that way and just focus on each day, but its hard. In and out of the city Friday (at peak traffic on the way in); and then again yesterday for a friends baby shower (that was not really a traditional shower, but high tea - brilliant!) and again Tuesday in peak traffic for scan #2 and possibly again by weeks end for either another scan or EPU and again 2 days after that for transfer... No wonder I feel overwhelmed. Its an hour trip in and an hour back each time. I was grateful to gt a ride with a friend yesterday which meant that I didn't have to think about the driving and I had company. The Park Hyatt is only a couple of blocks from the FS rooms so it was an almost identical trip!

2 of the girls, my dear friends... got me what I call a hope item. I refuse to buy any baby things, when its been this long trying, it just seems a little silly. But I did want to have one thing, to show that I do have faith that it will happen eventually, that I do think we'll get there eventually. An item of hope! So, these 2 beautiful friends got me that item. It is just gorgeous.. I had one with Finn and when he was finally here and wearing it.. it was really special. So hopefully it brings me strength and good fortune!

So today is Sunday, and I intend to have a day of rest. My husband has been really good this weekend helping out around home and ensuring I am resting as much as I can and so on. Its greatly appreciated, I need it right now. Tomorrow I will do my housework for the week and Mum will arrive in the afternoon to stay the night as she did last week, so that I can leave early for the scan and she will watch Finn. She may have to do that 3 times in a week if EPU is this week as well. I am very fortunate to have her able to do that for us - as is Finn!

So I feel a bit yucky at the moment. But I am reminding myself that the next week-10 days or so will be the worst and most intense of it, then I can fall in a heap a bit for another month or so. Maybe longer ;)

Slow and steady is good

Scan went well... 6 follis growing either side. Continue same dose of puregon and rescan Tuesday, with EPU hopefully end next week. Also mentioned my 11 day luteal phase to her, so shes switching me to higher dose progesterone pessaries so thats good too.

So far, so good...

Hormonal Hell

Ok... am guessing that between the primolut, having a period, starting synarel and injecting today - all in the space of a week or so - has sent my hormones mental. I am so snappy, irritable and horrible feeling today. Its shitty. I just feel that tense, PMTish type feeling.

Speaking of a period, mine seems to be just about gone already! What the?? It only started spotting Thursday and flow Friday. Thats 3 and a half days. Last one was almost 3 weeks! Argh!

Switching from general fertility to the IVF specific phase 1 meditation tonight: Shots to retrieval. Drank my 1.5l water, and went for my walk. Planned next fortnights meals all healthy. Taking my folic acid and multi-vit.. christ knows what else I SHOULD be doing. Bah!

Cranky, cranky, cranky.

Random thoughts

It occurs to me that maybe it was the water I drank so much of last cycle that helped me respond so much better to the meds than before. or perhaps that I was walking daily before and during stims. Whatever the case, it makes me think I possibly ought to repeat as much of those things this time as I can recall to make sure I don't UNDER-respond on the lower dose... right? Who knows.

Started first sniff today, that familiar acrid taste of synarel. Oh how I missed thee.. pfft. I am clearly out of practice though, because I was stressing that my nostrils are not really big enough to accommodate the thing, and wondering why it didn't feel like anything... then saw the cap was still on. Rookie mistake!!!!! And I am hardly a rookie these days! d'oh!

Day 1 ahoy!

We're off! Today is day 1 of my cycle and I have called the clinic and ensured all is set to go, and it is. I start sniffing synarel tomorrow, one in the morning, one at night. Then I begin 150iu injections on Sunday and have a scan Friday morning. Booked the scan in, and now we are away.

My only niggling concern is I thought I started injections tomorrow, but definitely Sunday, so thats only 5 days worth by scan and the script was for 6 days. She was pretty clear though, so I do as I am told!

So finally, we're off. Here we go...

Yawn.

Still waiting... I did however, start primolut. So had I been about to get AF naturally, this will delay it.. but if I had NOT been about to, this will speed it up - a risk I was willing to take, basically. So today is day 4 of it, tomorrow I take the last 2, and then it will take anywhere from 3-11 days for a period to show. From memory, last time I was on this stuff, it took 4 or 5 days.

My puregon is in the fridge, ready to go, and my synarel is here waiting also. Just hinging on the period now so I can call the nurses and be away with it. Bit over the waiting, its all about waiting in assisted conception, it sucks.

Waiting... Again!

Paid our pile of cash to MIVF this morning. Always a strange feeling, but can now get hubby to collect the medicines this week in preparation for day 2 when it arrives. Dr Foster has me starting at 150iu this cycle. Last cycle we did 250iu and it happened hard and fast and I had a LOT of follies (most of which were empty.. but anyhoo); after the transfer, she said that she would start me slightly lower this cycle, I think she said 200iu then, but I am okay with 150 as well. It may mean longer than a week stimming, but slower will hopefully mean better quality. Of course, me being me, I will worry that perhaps 150 will be TOO low, at least until the first scan.

So, now we wait for a period. I actually feel PMTish but don't know if this one will arrive on its own, pretty rare for me. Usually get the one at the end of a cycle and one after and then loooong cycles again. I'll take some primolut if I need to (you take that drug for 5 days, then when you withdraw from it, you get a period). See how the next few days pan out. I feel sick with excitement and nerves.

T Minus 3 weeks and counting...

About 3 weeks to go until we commence cycle 2 of IVF. Unfortunately, we had no frosties (frozen embryos) from last cycle, so we are starting from scratch this time again. That means more $$ and EPU all over again. At least this time we are doing a flare cycle and not a down regulated one (which means 4-6 weeks as opposed to 6-10 weeks). We are excited, and still hopeful that we may get our much longed for second child, yet.

I have my script here, and as soon as AF starts (first week Feb hopefully); we are away. Bit nervous, but mostly excited. Will ring up and pay the big bucks soon so that we can have the script filled and the medications is then here ready to go when my period starts.

Need to call nurses day 1 of cycle, and I think start synarel right away. Will find out I suppose! The good part about starting so early is that we will hit the medicare safety net immediately, and subsequent cycles (not to mention any other medical costs for the year) will then be far cheaper. So the earlier the better really.

Just adding some interesting research from as recently as October last year (about when I underwent the acupuncture for last cycle actually!) - new research says its NOT a good idea. Who bloody knows anymore! Read the article here.

Secondary infertility

I just wanted to blog about how difficult I find certain aspects of secondary infertility. Obviously, this means we have a child, but are unable to conceive again. Our son is 4, and was conceived on level one of AC: the drug clomid. It took us 2.5 years on and off treatment etc. When he was just 5 months old we started trying again, anticipating the same thing again. But its worse. We took time off assisted conception, and decided we'd just enjoy our one, but then felt ready to return.

The problem is, I feel like I don't fit anywhere. I don't know where to find true support sometimes. I have many friends with infertility problems - its the best things about infertility (oxymoron!?) the people it has brought into my life. Thing is, I often feel like I need to restrict myself and my grumblings because hey, I have a child, so what the hell am I whinging about, right?

I mean, would I think that in their shoes? Probably. Did I? No, because I was still at the naive ttc stage pre-Finn and convinced I would be pregnant soon... Now though, if not for Finn I would probably feel like that. Its so hard to explain how secondary infertility is. I can do it here, because I don't have to censor myself. People don't HAVE to read it. Its not addressed to anyone in any particular situation. I should make it clear, no one has ever given me need to feel I need to censor or that they don't understand it. I have had nothing but overwhelming support and encouragement. It is simply my own paranoia and worry about how it might be perceived that makes me hesitate about it all.

For me, secondary infertility is harder than the first time around (obviously, since this has been far longer and more involved); but becoming a mother was the best thing I have ever done. It fulfilled me. In the past, I would never have said I was overly maternal, but its the first thing I ever felt naturally good at. I felt like even though other peoples kids generally shit me to tears and bore me for the most part... this was made for me. I was made for this! And I desperately wanted more of it, I wanted to give more, to get more, to just experience more! And the love I have for this boy of mine, is out of this world. So, I want to give him everything. I want him to have everything. To not have this again, and worse - to not be able to give him a sibling that he wants, is a pain that shatters my heart. I can't say any of that to people with primary infertility! How insensitive it would be to drone on like that about how motherhood has been for me and therefore how much it pains me not to have more. Again, I feel my own restriction of shut-up and be grateful.

In fact, I have been told that by people! That I ought to be grateful for the one I have not harp on about having another. Which is actually really funny, because its BECAUSE I am grateful that I am like this! Its because its so great, because I delight in it so fully that makes not having more so painful. Some people don't get that. Its not an easy thing to understand. It really IS hard, and I wish that I didn't feel this self imposed censorship about it a lot of the time.

I don't know if we will ever have another child. J and I said that we would give it 12 months of our all. 12 months of doing everything we can to achieve it and if it doesn't happen, then we will put the idea aside for good. I feel peace with that, and I know that if that is the case, life will still be wonderful and I am so lucky, so incredibly blessed to have Finn. I thank my lucky stars every day for him, and I appreciate so fully, every single day. I think that is a blessing in itself, I don't think all parents do so.

Brief update

With overspending at Xmas and so on, it looks like we won't be able to save the next lot til March. We'll see.

I got a period 23rd November, and again Dec 25 (yep, Merry xmas!) though this one is a light and drawn out one as opposed to heavy and fast. I will ring MIVF tomorrow and fill them in and confirm that from now on we will be doing flare not down reg cycles, and also let them know we will be wanting to book in for a cycle in Feb/March.

I had a meltdown/cry/howl when my period arrived from last cycle, and then a few days later was fine and have been since. I am more annoyed at having to spend the money on it at the moment, and miss out on other things I would like to spend it on. But, this is our decision and god if it works it will be so worth it, I am just finding it hard to have faith. Especially with last cycles crap eggs and no frozens, I am nervous. I want to get started again so I can stop overthinking it all.

I certainly was able to switch off from it all over xmas/new year which has been surprising (for me!) and great. Its only now with this period that I am like ok, lets get this going again ASAP.

Hoping to scrape up the cash to start next period (first week Feb); but otherwise March. We have to pay Finns expensive school fees first, then save like mad.